How to compliment yourself?

Postby AverageAndy » Fri Nov 09, 2018 12:25 am

Throughout the entirety of my highschool life I was in a small friend group that would do everything together. Go to and from school together, play sports together, games together, work together, sit together... You get the idea. I have good memories of being with those people but the relationship took a toll on me. I became the target quite a lot and were at the end of most jokes they made. At first it didn't bother me because why would it? I like jokes and don't mind being apart of them too but after a while of it happening (years) it starts to become extremely frustrating and irritating. At certain points of the relationship they became extremely hurtful, would call me names, push me, embarrass me, call me stupid... My worst mistake was just doing nothing and I mean nothing. They would call me names and I wouldn't say anything, I would just hope they stopped calling me those things. After a while I somehow could manage to blame them for things that weren't true. I would blame them for making me feel angry or embarrassed when in fact they hadn't done anything to me for weeks. I think the worst part was not telling them any of this over the years we were friends. I guess this is what holding a grudge does?

Anyways, fast forward four years later and I stopped talking to them. I met these new friends and I felt incredible. I felt happy, they were interested in me, they liked me, they gave me extremely kind compliments. It was a really amazing feeling, I would wake up in the morning happy to do what I call now boring tasks. They made me feel so good. I don't think I'll ever forget that feeling. Constantly happy. I didn't worry as much, I didn't feel stressed and I didn't have a constant headache like I did before with my other friend group. They were the most sincerest people that I'd come into contact with and I told them that so many times. I remember thinking back to myself where have these people been my entire life?

I stopped talking to that friend group as much because we moved away from each other for university. We still talk to each other but everyone has a different schedule so its difficult to talk as much as we did. Anyways, I met this girl that I liked. I didn't tell her or anyone because I was embarrassed. I thought she was really fun, intelligent and smart. I honestly wanted to be like her. I started getting to know her and she had an extremely tough life. She told me stories and I felt bad and sympathetic. As stupid as this may sound I brought myself down to be like her. What I mean by that is I started to think about the bad decisions I have made, I started to believe I was stupid, I wasn't worth anything to anyone and that I was a terrible person. I think it sounds ridiculous reading this to myself but that is what happened. I'm back in the same stage as I was four years prior but I feel worse. I feel like sh**. I stopped taking care of myself. Now we don't even interact with each other. Crazy right? I'm not blaming her at all for this, I made the decision to do this. No one forced me or told me too.

Is there a way to make yourself feel great like my friends did? I honestly don't like myself. I've read so many articles stating you should surround yourself with good people and to start loving yourself. For some reason this just doesn't make sense. Me calling myself funny or smart doesn't sink in. I can give myself a compliment and provide a good explanation of why that is true and I don't believe myself. Anything I say to myself just feels fake. Does that make sense? I think I need an absolute simple way small way to start. Starting big has never worked for me. I've tried to start by saying one good thing about myself for the past two weeks and I'm seeing small improvements.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Nov 09, 2018 12:58 am

AverageAndy wrote: I've tried to start by saying one good thing about myself for the past two weeks and I'm seeing small improvements.


You’re on the right track.

But consider, that “saying” something good about yourself doesn’t demonstrate anything to yourself. It is much different than doing something good. After two weeks, if you reflect, what ACTIONS do you consider you have done that have been good? What actions have you done that you consider neutral or maybe not so good?

Starting small, don’t say one good thing. DO one good thing.

And it is not that hard to pick one good act, one thing you can do each day that you consider good, that in your own mind demonstrates by your actions that you are doing good things.

For example, I participate in this forum. Giving this advice in my mind is a good act. It doesn’t matter the opinion of the person receiving the advice, in this case you. Rather, it is my intent that matters, what is in my heart. This message took me all of five minutes.

Now it’s time for an apple and some coffee. And as I do each day, I enjoy making my apple lady smile. I’m in China currently and my Mandarin is lacking. Each day I buy the biggest apple I can find. It costs me less than $1 and in my mind it is a good act. It doesn’t matter what the apple lady thinks. It is my intent that matters, what is in my heart. That takes me about 1 minute each day on my walk to the coffee shop.
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#2

Postby AverageAndy » Fri Nov 16, 2018 12:13 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
AverageAndy wrote: I've tried to start by saying one good thing about myself for the past two weeks and I'm seeing small improvements.


You’re on the right track.

But consider, that “saying” something good about yourself doesn’t demonstrate anything to yourself. It is much different than doing something good. After two weeks, if you reflect, what ACTIONS do you consider you have done that have been good? What actions have you done that you consider neutral or maybe not so good?

Starting small, don’t say one good thing. DO one good thing.

And it is not that hard to pick one good act, one thing you can do each day that you consider good, that in your own mind demonstrates by your actions that you are doing good things.

For example, I participate in this forum. Giving this advice in my mind is a good act. It doesn’t matter the opinion of the person receiving the advice, in this case you. Rather, it is my intent that matters, what is in my heart. This message took me all of five minutes.

Now it’s time for an apple and some coffee. And as I do each day, I enjoy making my apple lady smile. I’m in China currently and my Mandarin is lacking. Each day I buy the biggest apple I can find. It costs me less than $1 and in my mind it is a good act. It doesn’t matter what the apple lady thinks. It is my intent that matters, what is in my heart. That takes me about 1 minute each day on my walk to the coffee shop.


Hello,

Thank you for your reply. I've being DOING more good things instead of just saying them and I've seen HUGE improvements. I feel better so thank you for that.

Something that always seems to get my attention is am I doing a good thing? The acts I've done are good but I'm only doing them to make myself feel better. It's not really for them but for me. Is it a good act if I'm seeking something for myself while helping them? Can I ask you what you are thinking when you participate in this forum or make your apple lady smile?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Nov 16, 2018 2:55 am

AverageAndy wrote: Something that always seems to get my attention is am I doing a good thing? The acts I've done are good but I'm only doing them to make myself feel better. It's not really for them but for me. Is it a good act if I'm seeking something for myself while helping them? Can I ask you what you are thinking when you participate in this forum or make your apple lady smile?


This is the argument against any person truly achieving altruism. Even when we do something for others, we get something out of it.

Have you seen the Thai commercial “unsung hero”? Here is a link.

https://youtu.be/uaWA2GbcnJU

What I get out of participating, out doing the right thing is emotions, positive emotions and knowledge that strengthens resolve, strengthens purpose, that demonstrates life is not always about suffering. When the apple lady smiles, it makes me feel good to know she has had something nice in her day.

A different example. A few days ago I saved two spiders, putting them outside my apartment. I don’t always save spiders, sometimes I kill them. This, against their protest and unknown to them saved their lives. Why? Simple, because I felt it was the right thing, the good thing to do. And yes, I received positive emotion. So what?

The bottom line, there is no rule out there in the universe that somehow because a person feels good about an action that that it no longer counts as good action. So go help some people, go open some doors, go make some people smile and do not apologize one bit for you feeling good about it.
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