Am I a sly monster?

Postby SimpleSi1988 » Sun Nov 11, 2018 6:15 pm

Hello,

I'm a 30 year old guy and need people's advice.

I suffer with Pure OCD along with intrusive thoughts and have done for a whilst, they're not nice but I try and deal with them the best I can.

I've read about pure ocd and intrusive thoughts and how people with Pure ocd obsess over things.

I can't get something out of my head and it's driving me crazy.

I was in my early twenties (can't even remember to be honest) and my niece was and round 4 or 5 (might have been younger but I can't remember) and I remember holding her as she drank from a bottle of juice.

I was holding her and she had her legs wrapped around my body as I held her. I feel so guilty that it was a bad way to hold her and that I was enjoying holding her like this, to maybe satisfy some sexual pleasure or something.

I think or rather overthink of how her vagina was against my side and I feel so guilty about it, I'm not sure if it's the pure ocd or the intrusive thoughts making me think I enjoyed it, suggested to her to put her legs round my body, whether I just wanted to hold her like that because it was comfortable for both of us with her holding my shoulder or neck to hold on to or whether it's even true (not sure if pure ocd with intrusive thoughts can actually make you imagine things up).

I'm happily married and have never been interested in kids nor will I ever be but this is tearing me up, I feel so horrible and bad.

Any answers/comments would be great.

Thanks guys,

Simon
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#1

Postby Translucent » Mon Nov 12, 2018 2:11 am

I can relate, I tried to touch my little cuz's vag once. Unfortunately for me everyone found out about it when some cops searched my apt and found my diaries where I expressed sorrow over that. It drove me insane, and I lost 7 years of my life in mental hospitals and on heavy medication (though there were other factors that played into that).

My only advice is this: Next time you see her, look for signs whether she is comfortable around you or not. If she is, all is forgiven; if not, work on yourself and see counsellors.
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#2

Postby Candid » Mon Nov 12, 2018 6:48 am

SimpleSi1988 wrote:I think or rather overthink of how her vagina was against my side and I feel so guilty about it, I'm not sure if it's the pure ocd or the intrusive thoughts making me think I enjoyed it, suggested to her to put her legs round my body, whether I just wanted to hold her like that because it was comfortable for both of us with her holding my shoulder or neck to hold on to or whether it's even true (not sure if pure ocd with intrusive thoughts can actually make you imagine things up).


Well, I don't suppose it's any good me telling you to stop thinking about this, even though it's something that happened years ago, and from which there have been no repercussions.

I can't get something out of my head and it's driving me crazy.


And the harder you try to get it out of your head, the worse it gets -- right?

All that happened was you and your niece spontaneously got into a position that was comforting to you both. An obsessing mind, which you acknowledge you have, has latched onto something more for you to worry about.

Perhaps the old rubber-band trick from CBT would be helpful. You wear it on your wrist and snap it whenever your mind strays to this normal and harmless incident. I suggest you have a go-to positive thought with which you replace it, something that engages you and makes you feel good about yourself. In the course of 30 years there must have been many occasions when you did something to be proud of, any small thing such as helping a little old lady with her shopping.

IOW, replace the negative thought about yourself with evidence of yourself as a good guy.

The thought arises, you snap the elastic band and go to your "I'm a hero" thought. Then get up and do something that requires concentration.

We frequently have people dropping in to say they 'molested' a younger relative when they themselves were children. As far as I know, and as experience has suggested, child molesters don't worry about having done this kind of thing deliberately.

Go forth and be the good guy you are.
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