Am I lying to myself..?

Postby helenadoc » Wed Nov 14, 2018 3:19 pm

Hello everyone! Uhmmm i don't know how to express myself in this situation. It may be a little off topic, but still related to paws.

I am having some really long talks with my bf about change, anger, acceptance and i don't know how to identify my feelings, or better yet if what i'm really doing is projecting.
We are having some problems on certain topics, or i guess i should be saying i am having some problems and from there some other questions emerge.
He is the kinda guy who consumes drugs once in a while. He stopped along with me, i saw he didn't have any issue like i did. It's one of his pleasures from time to time. I kinda understand that and i kinda don't...he presented himself to me this way when we met and he didn't change. Was there by my side all the way, supported me, talked to me on this journey. He didn't even flinched when i was hitting rock bottom.

I am having problems with his drug use. I get angry, like really angry, anxious, i cry, i ache when he uses. And i don't know the exact reason why i am acting like this. After that we start a fight and eventually we make up, but this happens almost everytime he does it. (He doesn't change when he uses, not like he becomes another person. He is the same person i know, that loves me, supports me and accepts me the way i am. He didn't go through what i did, can stop whenever he wants and pick it up again like nothing happens, does it like once a month)

I became really grounded after my experience, i suffered a lot. I am so mature, i am taking every little thing too serious, i feel old. I don't have fun anymore. I get irritated if smth doesn't go the way i want even if i know that that's life, sh** happens, go with the flow and get over it. Now, if i think about these last months, i did had really good periods of time when i felt great, connected in the now, to the people around me. But i am still having periods when i feel alone. I feel departed from my life, not the dp/dr feeling, but from the self i know i was appart from the drugs. Is it possible to change so much, to lose connection with everything around you, with the people you know you love, but you can't feel? Have i become so bitter that i can't accept the fact that some people are ok and i'm not? The great periods are so sweet, are the light at the end of a tunnel, but still you are not there. Am i so inflexible that i cannot soften ever again? Cuz i feel like a 40yo lady that doesn't like kids stepping on my loan.

And after what i've been through i act like it will happend to everyone i know that uses. Which is a completely stupid thing because i have friends that are ok with consuming once in a while after years of consuming everyday.
I get this rage, i feel like i am going out of my mind for something that he likes to do and doesn't affect him in any way, like it did to me. I don't get the impulse to use because of the fear that paws put in my mind and heart.
Why am i reacting like this? Is it anger towards him because he consumes (althought this is how i met him and i accepted it) or because he can have fun and i don't? Is it frustration? Is it actually all this furry towards me and i am projecting it on him, or towards life because i can't use recreationally anything anymore? Is it because i want to use, but the recovery is hell for me now? Is it because i changed so much, i am not the person i was before, open, fun, loving and i am hating myself for this?

Am i lying to myself that i am ok? Or i am stuffing my frustrations in the back od my head hoping they will go away?
I lost so much with this, and i am still losing life because of my innability to really relax. I am so lost right now. I feel uncapable of snaping out of this existential crisis. I am just tired to go with the rithm and hope things will get better. They do, but it's like a never ending road with nails stuck in it every ten miles and parts of you are stripped away leaving you cold, empty, bitter and alone.

Am i really fine like i wrote in the other posts or have i become high functional and i get this mistaken with being fine? And the most important question: will i ever get my love and myself back ever again?
helenadoc
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#1

Postby tokeless » Wed Nov 14, 2018 5:18 pm

Hi,
I guess the bottom line is can you accept he uses and you can't? Yes, when you met he used but I assume you did too so it wasn't an issue. I was married to a non smoker and she had no problem with me being one... She said it was part of her attraction to me at the time. After several years she started having an issue with it and started accusing me of having a drug problem, which I didn't agree with. When I mentioned I was a smoker when we met she agreed but said she didn't think I would still be one... Never did I say I'd stop one day. The resentment set in and this brought up other issues. Eventually we split because we lost the connection. All my smoking friends disappeared when I stopped (years later) and this made me realise that weed was the glue that kept us connected and outside of it we didn't really know each other enough to keep going without it. Not sure if any of that helped but the killer is can you stay with someone who does what you can't? I hope things work out for you.
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#2

Postby Brudenski » Wed Nov 14, 2018 5:23 pm

Hey Doc,

Still i am new with the quit and in the middle of paws i can tell you that what you're experiencing is totally normal and not related to paws because i experienced with my ex girlfriend and she was sober her entire life.
So my advice is you have to accept your boyfriend as he is or just move on.
After i quitted weed i accepted that i have a problem with anxiety and i have to deal with it with the most important healer Father TIME because my friends quitted with 0 withdrawal symptoms and they used to smoke more than me.
It was hard to accept the truth but once i accepted it i started to improve and i am improving.
And there is no benefit to look now for your past 14 months the benefit is that you have to change something to become happy again and you deserve it.
Stay strong and what you are living is just normal stuff between couples.
You made a change you can do it another time.
Regards
Brudy
Nb: sorry for my English and typo it's not my native language :D
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#3

Postby Cthompson21 » Wed Nov 14, 2018 5:42 pm

Maybe talk to your therapist about these issues to get clarification. PAWS is a traumatizing experience. Maybe we are slowly becoming that nasty lady that hates kids but we have to be grateful for what we have...We can't go back. The past is gone. The writer and alcoholic F Scott Fitzgerald said that of course life is a process of breaking down. And I believe that to an extent, life is harsh and bleak sometimes and you have to compromise. You will know best what to do and as time goes on you will probably get more of your old self back but things will never completely be the same. Believe me I can relate, I try to date guys and I'm so depressed all the time I ask myself is it even worth it? Getting close to someone to just have them find that I'm depressed most of the time? Or is it better now just to be on my own and try my best to excel in other areas of my life? But I'm in the midst of weed PAWS now and things will get better I know but I wonder if I should ever go on antidepressants one day when I'm more healed to combat depression, I had paws before from stimulant abuse and after two years I was normal but still had depression...that's just my past experience. I don't know if this answers your questions but I hope things work out for your relationship, since you have been through hard times maybe your bond has been made stronger because of that. but like I said your therapist would probably help you clarify, I know mine helps me immensely.
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#4

Postby helenadoc » Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:24 pm

Tokeless: it is weird to be ok with smth and then not to be. In my mind appears some kind of crack between these thoughts or actions whatever it is. If i'd have a clear reason why i don't like it, it would be easier. I used to be very open to experiences, stories, possibilities and it seems i lost this quality. My smoking friends have not dissapear, they are still by my side. They still smoke and if we are together theg protect me, like go out of the room for me to not inhale. If i think about when i am with them i do get disturbed if they smoke. They go in their bubbly cloud and i feel like we are not on the same page, but we still have a nice night.
My bf is amazing, is a great person, a beautiful soul. We clicked when we met and from there our love and bonding grew bigger and bigger. I never thought i could love like that, i didn't even know such intense feeling exists. He's good and kind, thoughtful, and he loves me and i love him. I know i do, even if sometimes i don't feel it. Paws put me down a lot and i was a wreck when it hit me and all my emotions were gone.
I just don't want to create this stupid tension between us, just because he like to use every now and then. We just bought and apartment and we are moving in, we plan for the future and i want to get over this and get on with our life. To have fun and chill and not worry about so many things because we are young af, but life is so damn short and i don't wanna waste it...
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#5

Postby Bagobones » Wed Nov 14, 2018 10:00 pm

helenadoc wrote:Hello everyone! Uhmmm i don't know how to express myself in this situation. It may be a little off topic, but still related to paws.

I am having some really long talks with my bf about change, anger, acceptance and i don't know how to identify my feelings, or better yet if what i'm really doing is projecting.
We are having some problems on certain topics, or i guess i should be saying i am having some problems and from there some other questions emerge.
He is the kinda guy who consumes drugs once in a while. He stopped along with me, i saw he didn't have any issue like i did. It's one of his pleasures from time to time. I kinda understand that and i kinda don't...he presented himself to me this way when we met and he didn't change. Was there by my side all the way, supported me, talked to me on this journey. He didn't even flinched when i was hitting rock bottom.

I am having problems with his drug use. I get angry, like really angry, anxious, i cry, i ache when he uses. And i don't know the exact reason why i am acting like this. After that we start a fight and eventually we make up, but this happens almost everytime he does it. (He doesn't change when he uses, not like he becomes another person. He is the same person i know, that loves me, supports me and accepts me the way i am. He didn't go through what i did, can stop whenever he wants and pick it up again like nothing happens, does it like once a month)

I became really grounded after my experience, i suffered a lot. I am so mature, i am taking every little thing too serious, i feel old. I don't have fun anymore. I get irritated if smth doesn't go the way i want even if i know that that's life, sh** happens, go with the flow and get over it. Now, if i think about these last months, i did had really good periods of time when i felt great, connected in the now, to the people around me. But i am still having periods when i feel alone. I feel departed from my life, not the dp/dr feeling, but from the self i know i was appart from the drugs. Is it possible to change so much, to lose connection with everything around you, with the people you know you love, but you can't feel? Have i become so bitter that i can't accept the fact that some people are ok and i'm not? The great periods are so sweet, are the light at the end of a tunnel, but still you are not there. Am i so inflexible that i cannot soften ever again? Cuz i feel like a 40yo lady that doesn't like kids stepping on my loan.

And after what i've been through i act like it will happend to everyone i know that uses. Which is a completely stupid thing because i have friends that are ok with consuming once in a while after years of consuming everyday.
I get this rage, i feel like i am going out of my mind for something that he likes to do and doesn't affect him in any way, like it did to me. I don't get the impulse to use because of the fear that paws put in my mind and heart.
Why am i reacting like this? Is it anger towards him because he consumes (althought this is how i met him and i accepted it) or because he can have fun and i don't? Is it frustration? Is it actually all this furry towards me and i am projecting it on him, or towards life because i can't use recreationally anything anymore? Is it because i want to use, but the recovery is hell for me now? Is it because i changed so much, i am not the person i was before, open, fun, loving and i am hating myself for this?

Am i lying to myself that i am ok? Or i am stuffing my frustrations in the back od my head hoping they will go away?
I lost so much with this, and i am still losing life because of my innability to really relax. I am so lost right now. I feel uncapable of snaping out of this existential crisis. I am just tired to go with the rithm and hope things will get better. They do, but it's like a never ending road with nails stuck in it every ten miles and parts of you are stripped away leaving you cold, empty, bitter and alone.

Am i really fine like i wrote in the other posts or have i become high functional and i get this mistaken with being fine? And the most important question: will i ever get my love and myself back ever again?


I have on purpose not talked much about my family here I think. I try to keep them out of this. I started EARLY! hehe. I was a dad almost the day I was 18.. I had 3 kids when I turned 20, and 4 when I was in the beginning of my 20s. Something like that. I married my ex wife some days after I turned 18. When I got the twins right before my 20 birthday, my fate was sealed. It was no turning back. 1 baby is a handful but managable for even one person. 3 is hard work. 4 and up is pure willpower, positive thinking, determination, good teamwork with mom, and tons of personal sacrification for love. Fighting for love and your own sanity..

My ex was the love of my life. Even though I love my kids equally, my eldest daughter is special to me. She IS the love of my life forever. She is love for me. If someone says to me what is the first you think about when i say love, ill say her name without hesitation.

I think what I am trying to say is, when I was your age, and looked at my friends, and their love life back then, I kind of did not get it. It was like they where stuck in their early teen puppy love drama all through their 20s, and some even through their 30s too. Now these days many of my friends are 40 somethings with 3-5 year old kids. I can be a grandad any day, at 40 something.. I saw these couples fighting over petty things like he wanted to go out on a bar and she wanted to be home.. Jealousy over nothing.. He was angry over her weed smoking and she was angry that he was constantly nagging about it. She was jealous that he looked at some girls boobs at the beach and so on...

Those things where small petty things when you where in me and my ex wifes shoes. We had eachother, and was 100% dependent on eachother. We did not have the luxury of getting angry over things like that. And that "job" lasted for 10-15 years. We had to make it work.. We had to fight for our love. We had to fight to show our kids what a loving relationship is all about, so our kids got to see and learn.. I owed my daughters to let them see me and how I treated their mom, so they could see how they should be treated by men in the future. I owed my son the same so he could see and learn how to treat women with respect and love..

Magic is something you make. My ex was not in any way perfect, but she was perfect for me. I was deeply afraid of loosing her. I have no idea what would have happened if she died or got hurt. I had nightmares about losing her. Being alone with our kids. That would have been overwhelming. Thats a relationship for me..
The other is bootycalls and ladyfriends..

I am really sorry your going through this right now. It cant be easy, and its big questions your asking. But I have a feeling if sh*t really hit the fan, your problems will seem much smaller.. You have mentioned your mom. Ask her. She has been there for you through this. She has held your hand and cried with you. I am sure she also has things to deal with. Pains and battlescars, ups and downs.. But she will put that a side in a heartbeat, to be there for you, like I will for my daughters. For my ex wife. For my son.. My petty problems is nothing when it comes to them.

In a couple of years when your a busy doctor, these things will seem much smaller. I promise you. Keep your eyes on the price. Don't complare yourself to others that do this and that. You do you, and let them be them. Do what feels right for you. In many ways your just a kid still. In the big picture you have set yourself back a tiny bit, but not really much. And you have been a champ about it. You have shown strength as a Navy Seal, and determination like a fighter pilot.. You have been inspiring like few...

And doctor, quit those cigarettes already.. Your a doctor to be. You know... All research is against you in this....
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#6

Postby helenadoc » Thu Nov 15, 2018 6:35 am

Hey Bagobones! He is perfect for me too, even with these issues. And teen puppy live drama ended with him. He is the real thing, not a drama, not a whim. I can't imagine myself without him, without feeling such intense pain and anguish. When i was at my worst and thinking about breaking up cuz i was emotionaly useless and seeing him being so suportive, it was a pain greater than the withdrawal itself.
I agree with you, these are petty things, are small things that don"t even matter when you put in balance our entire relationship. He tells me this too, that i sometimes cling to irelevant things and i don't see the big picture, and yes this is true.
And yes, when sh** really hits the fan these issues are so small that i laugh when i think about it. That's another thing i forgot to mention: sometimes it feels like it's nothing, i don't even care, it's something in the rear end of the picture, but sometimes it feel like the world is moving fast forward and it hits you right in the face.
I know it's a stupid thing, i am aware of that, i'd just like to not worry so much and get angry. Just let it be damnit and go on with your thing..

P.s: my friend, if i'm a navy seal, you are an f***in' astronaut :)
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