Obsessive ex-boyfriend or ungrateful me?

Postby anonymous252 » Fri Nov 16, 2018 10:48 pm

Hello, this is my first time posting here, so I'm not really sure how forums work. Since its a long story, I'll try to keep it as short as possible.
So I met this guy 3 years ago, over the internet. I was 16 and he was 18. Ever since then we've been in this long distance relationship, we only met once, this year. Before him, I didn't really have love relationships except the usual kid dating, so I don't really have much personal experience besides this.
Since I've always been reserved and insecure, this guy seemed perfect to me, because he had the same interests and he was also a little reserved. We got close really fast. Its been a rollercoaster of me being obsessive with him, he being obsessive with me, me getting distant, he getting distant, finding out he was talking to other girls seeking for their help when he was dealing with issues and refusing mine, he telling other girls (in very sexual picutes) that they were beatiful and never to me, we getting back together, we disrespeting each other, we supporting eah other, etc. Believe me, i'd be here all day explaining with more detail but im sure you have more topics to read.
When we met, this year, things were really different from the online way I knew, it was really amazing. When he went back into his country I felt really sad, like life wouldn't be the same now that I knew how it felt and it would go back to texting and calling. But eventually, I learned how to deal with it.
I'm no longer sure of how we got to this point, but I can recall what has happened during these months. We started getting distant. And talking felt a little more unnatural. We planned on meeting again, but then it was delayed and life got in the way. It is actually scary because as for now, everything seems extremely blurry. He has helped me a lot through these years, dealing with issues, but not anymore.
During these last months, my life suffered drastic changes. I had to cope with motivation issues related to university, OCD, and finding out that my mother has cancer. My mind is pretty tired but I try. He has been unemployed and giving up on studies ever since i met him, and doesnt go out very often. Right when all these problems came up, he decided that he wanted to live here in my country, and even though I was happy (I dreamed of that since I met him), it was a terrible time for changes, and also, I didn't want to carry the responsibility of him changing his whole life for me and then possibly regret it, since we're so young. He even mentioned living together, but it seemed too soon, because I think I'm still not responsible enough and my main goal are my studies.
I didnt put any blame on him related to my life issues, but the truth was that he wasnt very understanding all the time, and it was though time for me to make certain decisions. He compared my mother's cancer situation with his aunt's, who had the same issue, saying my mom was being ridiculous for being down, and i felt like he was devaluing my situation. Well i let it pass, after being mad at him of course.
In fact, I let pass many things, and eventually forgetting some of them as well. When my university started, he wouldn't respect my space, and kept asking me why am I ignoring him, when I was paying attention to class. Before sleep he'd come up with important things to discuss too, leading to long conversations or me cutting it off and leaving it in a fight, so he would interfere on that too. I started to go out more often(by that I mean once in 2 weeks if so), with a couple friends, and interacting with more people from my class (I thought it'd be healthy for me), and that's when he said I was changed, I was no longer interesting or different, and that I was superficial and selfish.
Most of all, he kept insisting on this whole living here thing, asking me for approval and telling him what to do, and I couldn't do that, at least not now. With time i got more and more distant and i got more mature and realized many of these things were childish, but it wasnt the right time to deal with "us", and he didnt understand. We had ugly fights and i even blocked him, i got into a depressive phase and he even texted my older sister, being disrespectful by saying she cant help me like he could, that i needed him to live and getting inbetween me and my sister. Meanwhile, he kept creating fake accounts on all media spamming me to talk to him and please come back (may i mention this wasnt the first time, because i've tried in the past to get some distance between us and he did the same). Eventually i unblocked him again, we would play games and all as friends, all alright, expect he kept insisting on getting back with me and living here. I really love(d?) him but i couldnt give him an answer, he was putting a lot on my shoulders.
He grew more and more obsessive, checking every media, posts i liked, when i was online on each app, things i posted, people i'd friend. I kept on saying please give me space. At this point was already tired of this, i was direspectful to him too, cursing. I thought that was it, i no longer loved him, he was completely obsessed and it was no longer love.
Lately he told me he would talk about me to his family and friends and they all said i was a Wh*re, that i didnt deserve him. This hurt because these people dont know me, and since i have this insecurity, a suicidal past, and a handfull of problems that are testing my strenght. He also kept saying that I have a god complex and i think I can analyze people, basically bashing on my course, trying to kill my interest in it and using it to hurt me (I am a psychology student, ironic right). Him turning at me hit me pretty hard, because i didnt want to end things that way. He still didn't want to let me go though.
Skipping on a lot of fights and problems: today i blocked him again, and this is supposed to be the end. He hasnt created the fake accounts yet, not sure if it will, but his sister texted me telling me to stop hurting him, I blocked her too. I didn't want to hurt me, but he was suffocating me, and I cant have that, not right now, it will drive me insane (it already has).
Well, i think i did the right thing, because this was causing suffering to both of us, but my heart aches, i know i will feel lonely, i know i will regret, and since i am being blamed, start feeling remorse. I feel so lost. I have a big test next Monday and i cant study or sleep. I am probably going to weak down, and i cant afford to let that happen. I keep asking myself, is this my bad, am i missing out on something really good? I have a tendency of blaming myself and putting others over me, so i know this is having consequences on my idea of myself.
I intend to see a psychologist, not just because of this issue of course, but because of my overall mental health, but that wont happen for the next 1 month, if not more. So please, if you could help me guide myself on this issue, I would be thankful from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for your attention, and sorry for such a long message.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Nov 17, 2018 12:23 am

anonymous252 wrote: I keep asking myself, is this my bad, am i missing out on something really good?

Probably not how you are thinking about it, but YES, you are missing out on something really good. For three years you have spent a lot of time missing out on face to face relationships. You have been missing out on all the boys you sat next to in school, at university, a local coffee shop, study groups, or school activities that would have been interested in getting to know you. You have been missing out on all the boys that have been only an arms length away.

Is it your bad? Partly, but don’t beat yourself up about it, learn from it, get stronger from it, grow from it. Society has made the shift to relationships behind keyboards and plastic screens, and society is suffering the consequences, your case being a great example. For all of the benefits of the Internet, there are also the downsides. People now hide behind their phone, they get anxious, they struggle to have face to face conversations, especially with the opposite sex.

Don’t just block, disconnect. Take a year or two to stay disconnected and see how much your social life will improve. Social media will not disappear. You won’t be missing out. Disconnect. Disconnect so that you don’t miss out on something really good.
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Postby Anon0912 » Thu Nov 22, 2018 12:02 pm

Hey Anon,

I can't say I know how your feeling but I'm going though something similar with my xgf. We became friends and met many years later. She was 19 I was 24. Since meeting we've been though many fights and both have dated other people. Its not easy. I can tell you from the guys point of view having an online relationship does make you obsessive because there is no way to really know what the other person is doing, thinking, or feeling. Both of you I'm sure truly love each other just as I do my ex. I don't know what you should do because honestly I haven't completely figured it out yet. I know I love her and want to be with her so badly but the distance just makes me into someone I don't want to be. From my experience I would say,

You need to figure out how to stop obsessing over it. Which is almost nearly impossible, Ive tried weed, alcohol, partying and in the end all make you feel lonely so be careful. The best thing is to start looking towards the future and set goals for yourself. Do things that make you happy. Go to the park, take a way, change of scenery because sitting at home on your PC will just make you more inclined to think about your relationship. Its more deciding to be happy and working as hard as you can every day to make that happen. Don't worry you can do it! You are not alone! Find joy with yourself, your family, or friends. All will do you some good. Those things really helped me and I'm grateful for the people in my life who help me. I wish you the best <3
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