I think my father is about to die

Postby desperate788 » Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:49 am

Everybody in the forum knows that I hate my father. He has done every bad thing imaginable to me. I think now he is about to die. I'm a light hearted kind person. Even him dying makes me sorry. Should I call him and talk to him? I'm not sure if that means anything to him. He may try to deteriorate my situation even in his death bed. He hates me so much ..What say you?
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#1

Postby desperate788 » Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:59 am

He ruined my life..slept sick at my all youth because of him.
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Nov 20, 2018 2:08 pm

When is the last time you spoke with him?
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#3

Postby desperate788 » Tue Nov 20, 2018 2:31 pm

It has been nearly ten years..
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#4

Postby desperate788 » Tue Nov 20, 2018 9:51 pm

Visiting him is too much..I may call.
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#5

Postby desperate788 » Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:01 pm

The things he has done to me unbelievable. .
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#6

Postby desperate788 » Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:16 pm

Thinking all the things he has done I'm reluctant to talk for now
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#7

Postby Candid » Wed Nov 21, 2018 12:40 pm

If this is possible...

write a list of any good memories (any at all!) you have of your father. Perhaps you're aware he must have worked hard to support the family. Perhaps he bought you a thoughtful present. Perhaps he said or did some small thing that let you know he cared about you.

If you can make such a list, even if it's only two or three things, you can call your father with those good thoughts in mind and thank him for them. This is the time to heal your relationship with him, and give him an opportunity to say something good to you.

If all you can think of is how badly he hurt you, and you can only expect more of the same, it's probably best not to call.
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#8

Postby desperate788 » Wed Nov 21, 2018 1:59 pm

Second is true for me. My memories with him are only unpleasant ones.
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#9

Postby Candid » Wed Nov 21, 2018 2:13 pm

What if you were to write an angry letter to your father in which you tell him just what you think of him? Not to be sent, just to get it out of your system. You could post it here.

From everything you've told us, I doubt you'll feel bad for not contacting him now. Your role is to support your mother in whatever she's feeling.
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#10

Postby desperate788 » Wed Nov 21, 2018 2:48 pm

Yes I like my mother she doesn't have an evil heart..she tries to support me consciously everytime.
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#11

Postby Translucent » Wed Nov 21, 2018 3:50 pm

Have you ever considered that your dad has made you a tougher person?
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#12

Postby desperate788 » Wed Nov 21, 2018 3:52 pm

Whatever he does is to harm and damage me. I don't need to be thought person in this short life just enjoying it.
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#13

Postby Translucent » Thu Nov 22, 2018 3:26 am

And who has been looking over you, so that you don't need to be tough, but just enjoy life?
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#14

Postby Candid » Thu Nov 22, 2018 6:07 am

Translucent, these ideas are not helpful. Desperate has had a lifelong problem with his father about which you and I know almost nothing.

Being a parent doesn't automatically mean someone's a good person. Some do it well, some struggle with it, and whether you're aware of it or not, some are abusive.

To be helpful to forum members you need first and foremost to believe what they say about themselves, their lives and their important relationships. Desperate has nothing good to say about his father. He's stayed away from him for years out of fear. He also worries about his mother living with his father.

Trying to create a good relationship at this stage is ridiculous. It would make desperate's whole life a lie. If you were familiar with his threads you would know that he's not able to "just enjoy life" and has survived (unhappily) despite his father, not because of him.

We're not talking about you and your father, or you and any children you might have. With the best will in the world, unless you can see another person's point of view you can't begin to understand or advise.

As he said in his first post on this thread, desperate is a good-hearted man who feels bad that his father may be dying. There's so much unsaid between the two of them, but from desperate's side they're not good things. Naturally he yearns for the good father he never had, but the onus was on his father to create a trusting relationship, not on the defenceless little boy desperate once was.
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