I think my father is about to die

#15

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 22, 2018 6:32 am

But for your mother, you would have no idea the status of your father. You have not communicated in 10 years.

The question...what does your mother desire?

It was her that must have informed you, therefore it is your mother that must have some expectation of what you should do in this situation.

Once you have heard and understand the expectations, the wishes of your mother, then you can decide whether or not you can or want to meet her expectations. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
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#16

Postby desperate788 » Thu Nov 22, 2018 8:47 am

My mother sometimes tell little lies. Is she lying about my father's situation,?
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#17

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 22, 2018 3:15 pm

desperate788 wrote:My mother sometimes tell little lies. Is she lying about my father's situation,?


Ask your mother.

Point is, she told you for a reason. She told you because of her emotions, her needs, her wishes, her desires, her expectations.

Ask your mother. Say, “You told me about father. What do you expect or wish that I do?”

This then puts it on your mother to tell you what she wants, what she expects from you. It isn’t about your father. It is about your mother. It is about the relationship you have with her. Let her tell you what she desires. Then you can decide whether or not you can meet the desire of your mother or not.
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#18

Postby desperate788 » Thu Nov 22, 2018 3:22 pm

She says if I come to help her to deal with him would be nice but then there is work issues I can't leave my work.
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#19

Postby desperate788 » Thu Nov 22, 2018 3:24 pm

She wants me to work also..
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#20

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 22, 2018 3:28 pm

desperate788 wrote:She says if I come to help her to deal with him would be nice but then there is work issues I can't leave my work.


So there you have it. Your mother’s expectation is help. That is why she tells you. You don’t want to help and you have work. So, you tell your mother no. You tell your mother that you care about her, but that it is not your responsibility to help her with him.
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#21

Postby desperate788 » Thu Nov 22, 2018 3:30 pm

Helping someone that has done so much harm to me is not acceptable.
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#22

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 22, 2018 6:46 pm

desperate788 wrote:Helping someone that has done so much harm to me is not acceptable.


And that is what you tell your mother. It is your mother asking. It is your mother that shared the information and has that expectation. Don’t focus on your father, focus on your mother. Tell her no.
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#23

Postby desperate788 » Thu Nov 22, 2018 6:58 pm

O said her no numerous times if she asks once more I will say no again.
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#24

Postby Candid » Fri Nov 23, 2018 6:35 am

As far as I know, she has never backed you up in your beliefs about your father -- but she hasn't abandoned you, either. She's visited you a number of times without including him.

This is the time to make it clear to her that your father has hurt you badly, over and over again.

You have a choice. You can (maybe?) take leave from your job to go and stay with them until the end. It might be a good thing to see your father for what he is now: an old man who can no longer save himself. You could serve him in whatever way you can. Not for him -- for yourself. You can finally be the stronger man who takes care of the weaker man, and that might heal whatever went wrong for you.

If you believe that he can and will still harm you, the sorry saga of fear, worry and uncertainty we see on the forum has no end. I ask you to consider spending time with him in order to demonstrate to yourself that whatever he did to you in the past, he can't hurt you any more.

Your mother wants you there. Perhaps she needs your physical help, eg. if he can't get out of bed by himself and is too heavy for her to lift. No doubt she needs your emotional help, perhaps for mixed feelings about her husband, or simple grief that he's on the way out. Again, you can show yourself that you're a strong adult who can cope with these things.

The alternative is to tell her you're still afraid of your father, that you'd like to help her but your job is more important to you and you don't owe him anything.

Consider these two scenarios, and imagine how you would feel about yourself in each one. Which feels better -- helping your mother care for the old man, or going on as you are?
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#25

Postby desperate788 » Fri Nov 23, 2018 8:23 am

I hate my job would do anything to get rid of it except living with my family. Those days I lived with them are horrible. My father and sister they just hate me without any moral values they enjoy ruining my life can't stand me having a happy moment . They are still dangerous.
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#26

Postby Candid » Fri Nov 23, 2018 10:17 pm

In that case I guess it's back to what Richard suggested: ask your mother what she wants you to do. Maybe she just needs to talk, and you can do that on the phone.
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#27

Postby desperate788 » Sat Nov 24, 2018 9:55 am

Yes I like talking to my mother it's soothing my only friend other than this forum.
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