a friend in need

Postby kamila » Sun Nov 25, 2018 8:51 am

Hallo,

I'm trying to help my friend for while now. She met this guy, they were daiting for a long time with ups and downs. In the end they broke up, she's devesteted and seeing a therapist. She texted me her last letter to him and she asked my opinion. I love my friend very much and I can't look at this letter from a distance. I'm affraid that I will say something wich will gonna make her situation worse. Honestlly, I don't know what to think about this letter, so any comments are welcome. Thank you all in advance.

"Whole my live I was trying to be like others and not different. I know exactly what they need, sometimes without even asking. It’s so easy to give others, what they need and so difficult to give it to myself. You tried to teach me to find and known myself and love it. Which is the most difficult thing to do, the thing, I’m most afraid of. Even death is not so scary. I was halfway when you asked me out. Every time I was seeing you I was facing my fears and I think you we're doing the same. Facing myself was overwhelming and terrifying. When I was close to you I felt love and by the same time undescribed fear. The fear is even strong as love and I aloud him to take the control over love. It pushed me to say and do things I didn’t understand. For a year and a half I was sweeping my fear under the carpet and I had to finally stumble on it. Finding an answer, why did you threw away to see a peace of me in Poland and what came after that. Fear of loosing you, because of who I am. Somehow we have keys to each other, not only fears but also love. Twin Peaks, tattoos, loving the sea, writing, lonely trips and many other stories. How is it possible that I speak three languages, can learn any other new one, communicate with every other human, even my ex husband and I can not communicate with you. You are not Nick and I am not P.J. I’m not Zula and you are not Wiktor and we’re not in the movie with Madonna’s music. They all had beautiful treasure in their hands and they blow it up. Whole world can give you tips, advices how to be happy, do this, do that, say this, say that but I am who I am and You are who You are. We both ended up in therapy looking for help, but all those answers are in us. We’re both big individuals, intelligent, strong , brave, walking our own way. We saw each other fighting with a fear, the strongest drug in the whole world. I don’t feel guilty or ashamed and you shouldn’t either. That didn’t make us bad, it made us even bigger. Find your fear, face it, challenge it, fight it and …. Bit it or accept it. That’s the only way I know to find the peace. I wouldn’t be myself if I wouldn’t go so deep to find an answer and get it even from hell. People are looking for truth and when they have to face it…. That is what makes me different from others. I’m not afraid to face the fear. You know, the story about wolf and all the ships, smile to your fear. People are looking for unconditional love or true love or just love, name it how you want but when you once get this feeling without doubts, it won’t go away but it has to be feed by peace. We can’t proof this feeling unless we are peaceful inside and all the fears are gone. It’s neither goodbye letter nor requiring an answer. "
kamila
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Nov 25, 2018 8:48 am
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Nov 25, 2018 8:57 am

What does your friend want to know? To send it or not?
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10437
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1074

#2

Postby kamila » Sun Nov 25, 2018 9:04 am

Yes and I don't know what should I say to her.
kamila
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Nov 25, 2018 8:48 am
Likes Received: 0

#3

Postby quietvoice » Sun Nov 25, 2018 1:04 pm

kamila wrote:
I'm trying to help my friend for while now. She met this guy, . . .

I don't know what to think about this letter, so any comments are welcome.
~~
I don't know what should I say to her.

It seems to be an innocuous letter.

"Do as you will," or a similar sentiment, is what I would offer to her.

Is it her habit to ask you, and others, what she "should" do with her own actions or about her own thoughts?
User avatar
quietvoice
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2218
Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:14 pm
Likes Received: 228

#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Nov 25, 2018 2:42 pm

kamila wrote:Yes and I don't know what should I say to her.


The fact she asks you shows she is unsure of her thoughts. That is the question I would ask her. I would say something like, “Those are your true thoughts. I cannot tell you yes or no, to send it or not. I can only offer that if you are not certain, then do not send it.”

The basic idea is to reinforce that the choice is hers to make. Given she sent you a copy shows she is either not certain or she just wants to vent. She wrote down her thoughts and os not certain to share with him, therefore she decided to share with you.

In fact, she is probably looking for approval against what she knows is better. She knows sending it will not help the relationship. She knows sending it will do nothing to change things. It will only drag things out. So she sends it to you, which then lets her get support to send something she already knows is not to be sent.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10437
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1074

#5

Postby kamila » Sun Nov 25, 2018 3:10 pm

Thanks for all your comment. No, it's not her habbit, she usually walks her own way and knows what she wants. I have never seen her like that, chaotic, looking for answers. In my opinion, she summarized the relationship honestly but she left an open gate for him. If I tell her that, she may take it as a hope to start thinking to get back with him. Or maybe I'm wrong and there is no hope in this letter and it's only an innocuous ending of a chapter in her life.
Richard@DecisionSkills thank you for your opinion.
kamila
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Nov 25, 2018 8:48 am
Likes Received: 0



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Relationships