eating disorder recovery - expectations, anger and anxiety

Postby royally_mad » Wed Nov 28, 2018 3:57 am

Hello there, I have suffered my whole life with body image issues and it led to my following hospitalization. I live in a country where we get free health care so I go to get help at hospitals every week, but it has become 2 weeks because I have made 'progress'. I've been in the program for too long, about 7 months; the average, I am told is only 4-6, and I'm only starting phase 2. Why do I feel like I can't let go of my ED identity? Anyway, my social worker told me in our previous appointment that I might have an anxiety disorder, and while I am self aware I had no idea it would have been classified as anxiety. I realized that I had this problem with predicting the future and having a balancing beam of good and bad for my whole life. I'm angry at the fact that I am powerless when it comes to my appointments, (I had another one today and) I'm scared that I will gain too much weight in a 2 week period, I'm close to regaining all the weight I have lost. When I say I'm powerless I mean I can't change them or schedule, my parents do, I know I can't change dates earlier because they're all booked. I know I'm just a teenager but I'm just mad at my dad all the time, our relationship since my ED has deteriorated and everything he does makes my want to bang my head against a wall. He's a good person, I don't know why I'm acting this way. When something good happens something bad happens, too many good things have happened and my anxiety is at its peak. My appointment with an anxiety/depression/self harm specialist is in a couple of month. Months! I'm mostly afraid and I hate myself. As soon as my body image is better something bad is going to happen as a consequence. I know I'm probably going to have a self harm relapse and I tried so hard to stop, I've been about 2 ish months clean and have experienced 5-6 relapses during a 7 month period. I know it is nobody's fault but I'm noticing I'm constantly aggravated. While I wrote this I literally yelled at my parents, sometimes they're so annoying. I know I am too! I know I can't always be right, but I'm never right! I hate eating, I'm full. It has come to the point where if something good happens to me I actually don't tell anybody because it is 'too much pressure' and expectations, it won't be that good if I don't tell anybody. My ED is kind of like a balance that evens out the good. I know I'm average and worthless, my anxiety is ruining the things I love as well. At least here I can be honest, sometimes I can't even tell my therapist the truth, but I still try to fight this eating disorder. It seems no one is on my side, ever, no matter what the situation. Every time I have an anxiety attack I either get really hot or really cold, physically, and I'm always exhausted. But I still have fun, especially with my friends, I'm not depressed all the time as it may seem. If I have to be completely honest, and you can call the anything you want but, I want to see people around me suffer. Everyone is winning and I'm just pissed off. If I do well in something, they do better. I want to see the best people get problems like I do, but wouldn't that make them stronger? Is this making me stronger? Maybe, but recovery is great at the end of the day, I would be dead if I didn't get help. I just came here to rant, and if people ask me "I want to know your weight", you clearly don't understand how eating disorders work, or at least that it might be triggering. So much more to talk about but bye.
royally_mad
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