Feeling guilty over childhood experimentation

Postby January20 » Wed Dec 05, 2018 11:26 pm

I have posted this on other forum websites and people told me that it was normal, but I’m still constantly thinking about what happened and I feel like I need more answers.


So when my friend and I were around 9/10 years old, we decided to play house. I’m not sure if it was the year 2007 or 2008, but I’m 100 percent sure I was younger than 11. Her sister also decided to play house with us. Me and my friend decided to be the mother and father and her sister decided to be our daughter. We first set up our little house. It was on the bed. One side of the bed was our room and the other side was her sisters room. There was a blanket between us, so her sister didn’t see what we were doing.

So, when started playing, me and my friend agreed to “kiss”. We started to move our heads to make it seem like we were kissing. I’m not sure if we ended up rubbing each other’s faces. Next, I remember rubbing her stomach and later pulling her pants down and squeezing her butt cheeks. I clearly remember us whispering in each other’s ears to communicate because we didn’t want her sister to hear us. We didn’t want anyone to caught us doing those things. After I did those things to her, she wanted to do the same things to me but I said no. I have no idea why I said no. I don’t remember what happened after that, but I believe we stopped playing house and started playing something else.

A week ago I started thinking about this and I’m still constantly thinking about this. I can’t sleep, I feel like an abuser, and I’m even depressed. I talked to my parents about this and they told me that it was normal experimenting. My mom gets annoyed when I bring this up and tells me that I need to get therapy.

I was sexually abused when I was around 5/6 years old by my 14/15 year old female cousin. Me and her were alone and she told me if I wanted to play mommy and baby. I said yes, so she lifted her shirt up and told me to lay on her lap so she could “breastfeed” me. I remember telling my mom about it. I know my cousin knew what was right and wrong at that age, so she knew she did something bad. I have tried my best to avoid her all these year because of what happened.

My experience with my cousin makes me feel sometimes disgusting. I have developed depression throughout the years. I was recently diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder. I guess I have anxiety and depression because of the abuse. Because of my sexual abuse, I feel like I abused my friend. I don’t want to talk to my friend about this because I don’t know if remembers. If I ask her if she remembers what happened between me and her in 2007/2008 and tells me she doesn’t remember anything, then it’s going to awkward for the both of us. I’ve never done any sexual experimentation with another female friend. That was the first and last time I did something sexual with a friend. I also never tried to kiss someone or tried to make someone touch me. I don’t know why I feel so bad about what happened.

Ever since I met her she’s always been into sports and video games. She’s never had a boyfriend and I’ve never had a boyfriend too. I’m straight and I believe she’s also straight. I don’t think what we did damaged us. I’m still really worried about what happened.

Years after that happened, I remember me and her were laughing in the store because they was a half naked woman on the cover of cd album. I also remember when we were watching videos or gay men making out with because we thought it was funny. One time, we were talking about what we learned in sex ed class in school.

Me and her are still friends. The last time I talked to her was 8 months ago. She called me through video chat and she seemed happy to see me. I haven’t called her or sent her a message because I feel like she’s always busy because she has a job.

I didn’t see it as something bad. I was 9/10 years old. Me and her were very innocent. At that age, I didn’t know what women needed to do to get pregnant. I didn’t know at that age that you needed to have sex to get pregnant. Also if a sexual scene came up in a tv show or movie, my parents would immediately change the channel or turn off the tv. I also didn’t have access to porn during that time because I didn’t have a computer. The first time I saw porn was when I was using my cousin’s old computer. He forgot to delete a video of a woman masterbating. When I saw the video, I had no idea what the woman was doing. I was 10 and I didn’t know anything about sex, so I was completely shocked and confused. This happened like a year after I experimented with my friend. I have no idea why I rubbed my friend’s stomach and pulled her pants down and squeezed her butt cheeks.

Do you think I’m overthinking? Like I said, I feel like did something really bad. I can’t even sleep because I’m always thinking about what happened and I’m also trying to remember if I did something else that day.

We are now 19 and 20.
January20
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