How to deal with this?

Postby ispeP » Thu Dec 06, 2018 8:01 pm

The people around me like to make fun of me. After I've told them to stop they will continue. They punch me almost every time I see them. When in school they turn my computer off, call me names, laugh at me, call me stupid and weird. I like to joke and I went along with them at first but now I feel its gone too far. I ask them to stop but they say that "they like to annoy me because I don't give a reaction" and "It's only a joke". I try to think what I could have done wrong, perhaps not contact them enough? I was rude to them accidentally? I'm really unsure but something I am sure about is that I didn't do anything to them on purpose. I always try to be kind and polite. When they start to bother me I just ignore them and don't say anything but they don't stop. It's really distracting and its constantly on my mind. I don't want to go into school tomorrow, I don't want to deal with that. The worst part is that they are younger than me, they make fun me for that. I know it seems bad that I don't know to handle this but the truth is that I'm scared a bit. I don't want to fight anyone and I don't want to argue. I just want to do my work and go home. I tell them that they are bothering me and don't sit next to them or do anything with them then they call me out for it. I feel bad afterwards, then I feel awful. The teacher sees this happen but doesn't want to do anything. What can I do from here? I don't want to go to my teacher, that will just make things worse. How can I deal with this?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Dec 07, 2018 5:56 am

Two choices:

-1- Fight
-2- Get someone else to fight for you, i.e. the teacher

The above two choices are reality. It is life. It is some crap fantasy people wish and hope and pray and close their eyes to pretend we don’t live in a world where these are the options.

Fight doesn’t have to get physical, but you have to be willing. If you can’t, then go to the teacher. The entire reason there exists a class of people called soldiers and police officers is because there is reality. Someone has to be willing to fight so others do not need to fight.

And it is okay to use other people to fight for you. Children and the elderly cannot fight, so others must fight on their behalf.

I would say to start with intimidation and threats, but you have already allowed it to escalate to punching you and physically screwing with you. Therefore, PUNCH. Attack, fight, yell, and get extremely aggressive, dominant.

Or...go to your teacher.

Those are your two choices in life. If you would like a 3rd choice, tough. There is no 3rd choice, so get out of a forum and either get physical or seek protection.
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#2

Postby Candid » Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:03 am

ispeP wrote:After I've told them to stop they will continue.

I like to joke and I went along with them at first...

they say that "they like to annoy me because I don't give a reaction"

When they start to bother me I just ignore them and don't say anything...


They've told you loud and clear their reason for tormenting you: they want to get a 'rise' out of you. The calm exterior hasn't helped, and they're escalating because you've done nothing to stop them. I admire you for keeping your cool externally (while all hell is breaking loose inside) and I think your dignity will save you.

I went through a similar thing when I was 20, in a group my boyfriend had introduced me to. I knew I was an outsider and I could feel the hostility. Then one of the group said loudly: "How would it be if I butted out this cigarette in Candid's eye?"

I was hurt and mystified. My boyfriend said: "It's because you don't react."

Thinking about it later (long after he and I had broken up) I realised I'd always been the butt of nastiness and spiteful words in my family of origin. I was accustomed to it, expected nothing better.

I'm not surprised you feel scared. You have reason to be.

I've heard that when one of a group of chickens accidentally gets pecked while they're feeding, the others will peck at the spot of blood and keep pecking until that chicken is dead. This goes beyond bullying, which is when one person picks on someone who's unlikely to fight back. The technical term for what you're suffering is mobbing, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mobbing. You can't fight it on your own.

I suggest you keep your calm and dignified manner. The very next time you're attacked in any way, say: "Do you realise I'm going to have to report this now?" -- and then do so. Your teacher must step up, or you tell him/her that you're taking it further. It's affecting your schoolwork. Someone has to act, and if the teacher won't, it has to be the principal. If the principal won't, you tell them you now have no choice but to take it outside the school. They won't want that.

What happens after an intervention I don't know. There must be bystanders who don't like what's going on but are afraid to intervene. These are the people who will be your friends when someone in authority has stepped in on your behalf.

I urge you to report, and keep on reporting until you feel safe and can focus on your school work.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Dec 07, 2018 12:28 pm

Candid wrote:I urge you to report, and keep on reporting until you feel safe and can focus on your school work.


Candid is right.

The idea behind being willing to fight, willing to protect yourself, does not absolve a person of using other options first. Except, being punched is absolutely not acceptable. If someone is assaulting you, there is no requirement you call for help while taking a punch. There is no requirement to wait for someone else to act, for someone else to come to your defense, for you to wait for someone else to come protect you while you get assaulted.

Go to the teacher. Report it. Document that you reported it. At the same time, if someone physically assaults you, DO NOT just take the punch. Defend yourself. Get aggressive. Prepare for this possibility before hand. Take a self defense class. You are not a human piñata. You are not a victim that needs to sit there and just take getting physically assaulted.

When you get out into the adult world, be prepared and do not be afraid to defend yourself. Don’t buy into the philosophy that it is exclusively the job of other people to physically protect you from harm. If you are incapable, I understand. If you are in a vulnerable state, such as infirm, elderly, etc., then the best you can do is surround yourself with others that will help protect you.

And tell your parents. Let them know.
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#4

Postby ispeP » Sat Dec 08, 2018 11:38 pm

I was walking to my chemistry class and they followed me. I got hit again so I pushed him back. He walked back up to me and hit me and snatched my ID card from my neck and tossed it. I read the replies and I'm so confused with what I want. I'm confused if I'm exaggerating whats happening. I think I'm confused because they always say they "consider this normal". Is it normal? I know him hitting me isn't but is the other insults just normal for my age? I'm 16. In class they through tobacco over my jeans and split water on my shoes when walking away from class. You said that I should tell my parents but that is a weird situation at the moment. You said that once I told the teacher that all the other people around me witnessing it would become my friend but at least with my school it won't happen that way. No one would want to be friends with someone that snitched on someone. It is true that I have no proof that this will happen but just being around the people that are in my classes, you just know that something along those lines will happen. After he pushed me I told him not to touch me again and to just go away. When we were in class he told the people who sit next to me and they laughed. The best way I can describe this is you know when you play a game and you try your absolute best, you learn new things or try new things but that one player will always win no matter how hard you try or what you do. The feeling of knowing you've lost no matter what. That's sort of how I feel when it comes to this. I thought about preparing mentally for getting ready to push or punch someone all night and I just change overnight. It's hard to explain. I'd go in to school kind of happy so it changes the way I see others. I'm not sure really, its confusing to put into words the more I right this. I guess the real answer is to grow a pair of balls
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#5

Postby ispeP » Sat Dec 08, 2018 11:51 pm

something I forgot to add was some days I don't have a care in the world what happens. Then other days I get upset and just want to do my work. I think that is one of the main causes of this happening. Being extremely patient one day then the next getting frustrated and making myself look foolish. I'm sure it's a fun game of roulette for them, with them gambling on me saying something for them to laugh at or for me to say nothing.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Dec 09, 2018 6:39 am

You have 2 options.

-1- Get another person to fight for you or protect you.
-2- Fight.

The above is reality. What confuses you about this reality? You disagree with those two options? You think that is not how the world should work? I don’t understand what you don’t understand with the above. Please explain. Don’t tell me another story of what happened in class. Focus on the two options and tell me what you don’t understand?

You don’t want to tell parents or a teacher. Therefore option -1- is impossible. You understand that right? You are in here asking for help, it has been given, yet you eliminate 50% of your options.

You chose option -2-, you pushed back. And that didn’t work, but that is not the advice I gave you. If you get aggressive, GET AGGRESSIVE. Do it in class, in front of the teacher. Stand up, yell, “I told you to @#$$%# stopping that $@#@@ crap,” and then go full on after him. It will last all of 10 seconds.

The result will be that you get in trouble. Why? Because you didn’t at first use option -1-. If you use option -1- first, if you inform your teachers and then something happens, then you will have documented that option -1- failed.

Again, what don’t you understand? What is confusing to you? You think a “push” is the appropriate response? No. The best response is option -1- and if that doesn’t work, and as they are being physical with you already, then you go FULL ON option -2-. What is your fear? That you will lose the fight, that you will get hurt, that you will get in trouble?

As a side note, what I find interesting in society today is we have digressed to the point children now have to be actually taught to RUN and HIDE. These are perfectly acceptable and practiced in the face of a hypothetical active shooter in the U.S. They teach children how to barricade a door, etc. The last option is FIGHT, but here is the very dark humor in that part, that we don’t teach children this ability. We consider the idea of fighting to be so against our utopian vision, that we threaten to punish children for any sort of physical altercation, but then expect that in the time when they absolutely need to fight that they will somehow respond appropriately.

Anyway...

I encourage you again to use option -1-. But, in the face of immediate physical actions against you, get VERY AGGRESSIVE and defend yourself. It might look as if you are the aggressor, but so what. I would rather be wrongly accused of aggression than sit there acting like a victim.
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#7

Postby Candid » Sun Dec 09, 2018 7:22 am

ispeP, you said your teacher had seen what was going on. Go to that teacher and demand that he or she do something about it.

I gave you the line:
"Do you realise I'm going to have to report this now?" -- and then do so.

There's no mystery in it. Either you "snitch", or you wait until they actually cause an injury.

Or make the decision not to spoil their fun, and take the consequences.
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#8

Postby ispeP » Tue Dec 11, 2018 5:36 pm

I went to my teacher in the morning before class and told her what was happening. I told her I didn't want my classmates to know. After telling her she said she'll keep an eye out for me. The following class they were moved to the other side of the room after turning my computer off and pushing me around so it's almost impossible to interact with me. Afterwards walking out they punched me so I punched him back and tripped him up on my way to class and he totally stopped. He was actually nice to me from then on. I doubt anything will happen anytime soon. I'm sorry if I annoyed you with anything I said before, I didn't mean to. Thank you for helping me
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#9

Postby Candid » Tue Dec 11, 2018 10:33 pm

No one here is annoyed with you, ispeP. We're concerned for your safety.

Moving them to the other side of the room is not enough. As you say, afterwards you got punched.

Go to your teacher again and say this needs to go to the principal. These oafs need to be made to realise their behaviour is unacceptable in civilised society.

If the school won't act to punish them, it becomes a police matter. They and their parents ought to be grateful if they get expelled over it, because the consequences will be far worse if they continue on this course until they're old enough to go to jail.
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Dec 12, 2018 6:14 am

ispeP wrote: I'm sorry if I annoyed you with anything I said before...


As Candid said, no one is annoyed. My advice is to nudge you to think beyond this single event, this single class, this single “bully”.

You are at an age where you need to make a choice. Will you be capable of protecting yourself and helping others? Or will you be a person in need of protection the rest of your life? Now is the time to decide. Now is the time to get active in taking the path you wish to take.

This type of activity doesn’t stop at the end of class. It doesn’t stop after high school, in college, or in your adult life. I am intimately familiar with how aggression in various forms, including physical violence persists throughout a life time. It’s not fun is it? Wouldn’t you like to be capable of protecting yourself, to protect others?

If you choose the path of being the protector, then learn first to protect yourself, to defend yourself. Most forms of martial arts have a philosophical component, teaching not to use violence, but not to be a victim. Many people choose not to take this path, because it is a lot of effort to learn how to fight so that you don’t ever need to fight. In a life time, if you know how to protect yourself, then there are very few if any times when you must protect yourself or come to the aid of another person.

The other path takes much less effort. Many people have no choice and at some point we all fall into the category of needing protection. If this is the path you choose, then learn to run, learn to hide, learn to surround yourself with various forms of protection. This is also an acceptable path, it is just a different path.

To me, you sound like a capable person. I hate to see people capable of helping others, capable of learning how to defend themselves choose the second path, but there is nothing wrong with it.
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