Feeling completely lost

Postby imsomeone257 » Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:30 pm

Hello.. Lately everything has been like a roller coaster. I have been seeing a therapist, and its doing great, but i cant afford to go there every time i feel down like this, since its pretty random as well.
I've recently been through a breakup, it lasted 3 years and a half. Many other problems have been going through my life lately, so i cant say that this situation is the only thing affecting me. But it is, a lot.
I had to break up with this person even though i had feelings for him. By feelings, i dont just mean love. I've really hated him in some points of our relationship because of the things he did to me. But i also cared a lot about him, and id do anything for him.

He started showing signs of madness, really. I felt scared in the end. I felt like either me or he would soon be in danger. He even threatened to suicide if i left him. I've talked this through with my therapist. Things have been doing well. I feel like i can finally be free and do something for myself. Im completely rational and aware of my feelings in those times.

However, moments like this happen. Im feeling down. His words are getting to me. The "you're rejecting me and this is all solely your fault" really starts to weight in my head. I know i took the decision, but i had to. So why do i feel remorse sometimes? This had to be done, this was messing up with me, my therapist got to the point of insisting i needed to end this before it ended me, and it was true.

But then these random moments come, where i feel lonely, where i grow a selective amnesia over the rational reality. I know i did the right thing, for both of us. I just wish i could let go of this weight on my shoulders. I dont want to go back to him, it was a nightmare, really, i dont even think i love him anymore. But still, it pains me to think i had to be the one taking this decision, for both of us. and he really made me feel like i was the one missing something great from my life.
I did the right thing. I wouldnt go back to him. I dont want to live a nightmare again. I know that all thats left are the memories, theyre just memories, its just a fixation and im aware of that. Then why do i feel like a loser sometimes? Why do i still worry to know how he's doing? Why does it still pain me to imagine he might have moved on? Why havent i moved on?
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Dec 19, 2018 5:21 am

imsomeone257 wrote:He even threatened to suicide if i left him. The "you're rejecting me and this is all solely your fault" really starts to weight in my head.

Why havent i moved on?

You have not yet moved on, because you feel guilty. Guilt is a powerful tool, it is a powerful emotion, and it is something we learn and that is used to manipulate us at a very young age.

Manipulate is a bit of a strong word, but guilt is a universal method humans use to “teach” their young to behave. It is used most often with good intent, but it has unfortunate consequences. Go anywhere in the world and you will see parents using guilt. Go anywhere in the world and you will see society using guilt and shaming to “guide” or manipulate a population. It is a very strong emotion.

Think of it this way. How do you get another person to behave how you want them to behave? You start by telling them what you expect. You expect they clean their room. If they don’t then you use positive or negative reinforcement. You use reward or punishment. In some cases a child is forced to clean their room or there is a threat of physical punishment. But, in many cultures physical punishment is not acceptable so this leaves mental punishment. You guilt or shame the child into cleaning their room. You explain how bad they are making you feel, how much pain you are in because of their behavior.

The above paragraph is a very general pattern, but it is universal and it is taught to us at a very young age.

Move into adulthood and this boyfriend is using guilt as his manipulation, his weapon of choice to get you to do what he wishes. And I’m not saying intentionally. This type of manipulation he has used repeatedly throughout life. He probably at one point threw a huge tantrum in the middle of the store, crying and kicking and screaming until he got the toy. He uses this threat of suicide, because it works. He threatens, because making threats is his way of forcing, of gaining compliance, of navigating his world as successfully as possible.

I’ve dealt with these people for decades, in my career, in my life, and many times in this very forum. I had one person in the forum try to blame me for choosing to cut themselves. It was an attempt to use a tool that for them has worked again and again.

People that threaten suicide move on to a new person when you refuse to play the game, when you refuse to feel guilty for the choices they are making. Cut yourself? Commit suicide? That is on them, not me. Don’t try that guilt game on me, because I just shut you down and move on. There are so many other people in this world that won’t play that game. I prefer to associate with those people.

There are plenty of people that are willing to play the game. There are plenty of people that respond and jump whenever someone makes threats or uses guilt. It is a symbiotic relationship, one cannot exist without the other. If no person ever felt guilt, then using guilt as a tool would never work and would cease to exist. Guilt works, because plenty of people are willing to play the game on both sides.

My advice, don’t play the game.
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Postby imsomeone257 » Wed Dec 19, 2018 3:04 pm

I can totally confirm what you said is true in my situation. This wasn't the first time. Throughout our relationship this happened many times, from simple meaningless things such as choosing a movie to watch, into relevant things such as he texting other women (in romantic and sexual ways), in which he told me it was my fault, because i was distancing myself and he needed something entertaining. Still, i let it go.

I played his game indeed, by letting this happen. And in the end after i left him he still manages to pull off the victim card saying i ruined his whole life and he was perfect, and after weeks of that, he was the one blocking me, saying he would look for other people. And i bought it, i was relieved, but i bought it, and felt like i was losing something by my own will. But this wasn't my will at all. I just let myself live a fairy tale that didn't exist at all, and for as much as he was nice and caring, i was covering my eyes for the game going on the background.
I dedicated myself to this person for a long time, but still, i will try my best to see it not as a loss, but as a lesson that i needed to grow. I won't play the game anymore, and i wont let other people play it on me.

Thank you for taking time to reply and for the advice!
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Postby Candid » Wed Dec 19, 2018 10:45 pm

imsomeone257 wrote: i will try my best to see it not as a loss, but as a lesson that i needed to grow.

That's a win! :D
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