Hole in my life

Postby Cthompson21 » Wed Dec 19, 2018 6:01 am

Lately I've been thinking about a hole that's been in my life or that's been made bigger because of PAWS. I'm the kind of person that needs to have a purpose, not only that but to excel at something really well to feel good about myself. Because of this I used to abuse stimulants (and smoke pot sometimes to make life more interesting, which is why I tried it again this summer) in order to reach my lofty goals. Now with all the drug abuse and the extended PAWS I feel just empty of purpose. I cannot excel, can't thrive, all I can do is survive. I can't sleep thru the night and have to take naps during the day, or else I become extremely fatigued and can't function like a healthy person. Can't even drink a coke to pick me up or the anxiety gets intense. yet thats what addiction is, it's covering up the void in you, and for me it was the feeling of inadequacy, or boredom with life being just average. I want to be above average, write books, have an awesome career, etc but with PAWS symptoms all that has been ripped away or at least put on hold. for how long I don't know. My doctor suggests I have depression and should go on ADs and theyve helped me in the past but I don't want to try them now. Maybe I will in the future. Zoloft has been helpful. (I tried it again for two weeks after smoking and getting really bad anxiety/paws symptoms but it didn't help so I stopped). I just want to put these thoughts out in the open for anyone to respond or comment on them. Maybe this makes me a shallow person because I've been thinking only of myself and my purpose but honestly, i feel like I could go crazy if I don't have something to live for. And right now I don't have anything substantial to live for, and I feel like I'm just going through the motions, getting older, contributing nothing to the world or society. Maybe it's a lesson of life I need to accept. Or maybe I could benefit from an addiction group. If anyone has any thoughts...please send them. Thanks.
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#1

Postby HarryGasikara » Wed Dec 19, 2018 7:12 am

hello @Cthompson21, i definitely feel what you feel! me too, i was a brilliant guy at school and had a purpose in my life. now, that purpose seems blurred and i don't have a goal in my life because of paws. i think the old me is still inside myself but just bothered by paws! so i think that after paws, i can pursue my goal again! my advice to you is to not force your brain to pursue a goal if it is still not able to do that yet. just focus on the surviving mode for now. after this paws, hopefully we will be brilliant people ever again! you will not be like this forever! we have to heal. patience is just what we need! peace.
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#2

Postby thegreatdane » Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:58 pm

Its like our lives are set on stop. I want to evolve so bad and ive done everything in my power to do it, but PAWS is just holding me back no matter what i do. It makes me stuck in a depressive, anxious, miserable hole.

Cant wait till it gets better!
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#3

Postby Cthompson21 » Wed Dec 19, 2018 2:34 pm

Thanks harry I agree. It's like the person inside is still there. This is my second bout with Paws and now I'm scared of the future. I don't know what things it holds and I question everything. My heart goes out to you guys. I feel you too Great Dane...hope your second year has better days for you. That was the case with me first time I went through it.
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#4

Postby lefttheleaf » Wed Dec 19, 2018 3:03 pm

I am as of today 17 weeks clean and I was writing a bit of a journal on here but for weeks on end no one commented or replied so I couldn't be bothered with it anymore.

Things are getting better for me very very slowly and I can put that down to exercise, trying to eat well, mindfulness, and stopping focusing on what could happen or how much better things could be if I was feeling better. We are all where we are right now so we just have to be!

I have found that instead of constantly vocalising how i 'feel' and how bad it is i have just lived day to day and tried to be that bit better a person today than i was yesterday.

Learn an instrument, read a book, volunteer, or simply try something new - and above all focus on what you do have in your life. If all you have right now is a roof over your head and food on your table - try to be thankful for that as its a hell of a lot more than some people - and build from there.

Continuing to focus on how i was feeling and what i was thinking just left me in limbo - the more grateful i force myself to be the easier is to enjoy life for what it is.

Hope this helps you
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#5

Postby thegreatdane » Wed Dec 19, 2018 5:35 pm

Thanks CThompson, how was your second year and what differences did you discover? I could use some motivation, i just got hit by another PAWS wave 4 days ago and it sucks. No emotions or energy. Good luck to all of you guys
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#6

Postby InkChalk » Wed Dec 19, 2018 11:36 pm

I feel you man. That empty void inside, its there.
There’s a lot of pain and fatique in life in general. Purpose helps, the easiest quits i had was when i worked away and 24/7 work had to be done to ‘survive’.
Now at home getting firewood from outside is a struggle.
A helpful book i read suggested “crave the pain, discomfort, fatigue”. Learn to love it, enjoy it, and burl through it. By the end of whatever you do, you might just get into it. Convince yourself its all for survival, like lighting a fire in the arctic to survive the storm, even Eskimos have joy.
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