My Fifth Letter to my Heartbreaker

Postby thefalyn » Sat Dec 29, 2018 1:38 am

Why do I keep writing these letters to you, which you will never read, in such a public place? I could just as easily open up a WordPad and let loose. I'm not really sure, but if I had to guess, it's because I need a place to share my anonymous sorrow; no one in the real world wants anyone to share their heartbreak with them because they are already have their own, and you definitely don't want to hear about it. You're probably feeling the opposite of heartbreak with me out of your life, as it was your decision to sever any bond that we formed over the course of our month of knowing each other.

I'm supposed to be moving past you, but today I sat on my bike in a parking lot and thought about you for twenty minutes. That's ironic, because I reckon that soon you will have forgotten about me entirely, if you haven't already. Knowing the truth of this only adds to my shame, the shame that while I have known and been intimate with many women throughout my life, few would remember me or even truly think fondly of me. Fondly as a friend, fondly as a sexual partner, but never as a potential long-term boyfriend or husband. And it is one of the greatest shames of my life to know that I am responsible for my own sorry state of affairs, as I never seem to learn. That is the true reason why I can't keep women like you, or the one that came before you, or the one that came before her, and so on, and so on.

Like anyone else, I don't know when I'll die. Could be tomorrow, could be fifty years from now. But as I approach middle age, I look around and the signs continue to mount up into an unsettling reality: I may just never be a married man and I may just die childless. As a college-educated journalist who drives sh** for a living (professional failure), what is living my life as a single man anything but the ultimate personal failure as well? Day-to-day survival may be a success within itself for all peoples, but what is life without that which you want most BUT day-to-day survival? It's not happiness, not like the happiness you gave me, and maybe that's why it's so hard to simply move on from you. I think I already told you...happiness is for me is often found in moments, rather than a state of being. That's just the way it is.

In that sense, you're another moment of happiness for me which I hoped could've been a step towards happiness as a state of being. As that will not be the case, my beautiful, brilliant woman, you're just another failure for me. Not so say you're a failure as though one fails at a business, but a failed attempt achieving true happiness. My attempts at being loved and respected by you have failed, my desire to make you as happy as you made me mean nothing. You can only now exist as two memories: one, where we made each other briefly happy, and two, where we made each other unhappy. Both memories will have equal power for me, with the former memory having the devastating effect of knowing that I ultimately failed you. Through my behavior, apparently, I made you want to leave. In my despair, if I was to ever contact you (which I won't, by your own wishes), I would almost beg you to forgive me. I would give you anything to make that happen...even though in a material sense, I have nothing left to give but my love and respect, which I feel as though I gave to you all along.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Dec 29, 2018 4:44 am

thefalyn wrote:Why do I keep writing these letters to you, which you will never read, in such a public place? I could just as easily open up a WordPad and let loose. I'm not really sure, but if I had to guess...

Another guess is that a public place provides an irrational way to maintain some minuscule hope that she discovers these letters. Well, discovers is not truly the right word. While the psyche fights itself to deny this desire, posting in a public forum provides opportunity to one day drop a hint, to lead, to place clues that guide this woman to find these letters.

Having “discovered” these letters the woman realizes her error. She then recognizes how deeply she was loved and how you struggled yet respected her wishes. Having made this discovery she reconsiders and it becomes a happy ever after story.

I don’t believe the above is calculated or intentional. Instead, I think your letters are a way to mentally avoid fully accepting and respecting that the relationship is truly over. The public nature of the now fifth letter is not about communicating anonymously to members of this forum. The letters are to her, not us. The letters are an unhealthy way to continue reaching out to her.
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Postby quietvoice » Sat Dec 29, 2018 5:22 am

. . . state of being . . .

If you'll take notice of your states of being, whether the state of being happy with another person, or the state of being in despair at not having the person that allegedly brings to you a happy state of being, you may notice that these states of being are strictly states of mind.

Once you take notice of such, you may then ponder what that might mean about what is reality and what is not reality.

Perhaps, these states of being, or states of mind, may simply be psychological experiences, and as such, you may find that if you allow yourself, you can begin to direct these experiences to your liking.

Or, perhaps, you already are liking these experiences. Perhaps, they give you a depth of soul that could not be gotten in any other way.

Carry on.
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Postby Candid » Sat Dec 29, 2018 10:16 am

Thefalyn, from your first post on this forum:

There was one woman who I fell soooo hard for and she didn't return my affections...and yeah, I'm supposed to flush her from my mind, but I haven't been able to. Not even remotely; forgetting her hasn't been within my power.

Five years later, exact same problem. There are two things you should have learned in that time.

1) You will recover
2) That falling sooo hard for a woman -- any woman -- is a bad idea

I note that you have recurring depression, and I respectfully suggest a big part of it is that you expect love to come from outside of you. That makes you vulnerable to this scenario playing out over and over again, because as soon as a woman agrees to spend time with you she's about to notice your despair. Much (and loudly) as you profess a desire to give, with you it's about making an investment. In your own mind you give and give and give. The other parties in these failed relationships saw it differently, I'll wager.

"My attempts at being loved and respected by you" is revealing; so is "as happy as you made me".

Aim to love and respect yourself, to make yourself happy, and you'll be better placed to love a woman instead of trying to make her love you.
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