A year and a half

Postby helenadoc » Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:31 pm

Hello my friends!! First of all i want to wish you all a wonderfull year, full of happiness, mental stability and most of all strenght.
I want you to know that you will be alright. You will heal. People who smoked for decades healed. And so will you. Don't lose faith, don't lose hope. It all lies within you and each and everyone of you will find your way back.

In 6 days i'll be a year and a half clean. It was a hard hard recovery. Paws has been a real bitch. It still hits me every now and then for a brief period of time and that is when i realise how much i've grown since i've quit.
First year was hell, but things got better and better over time. And so will for you.

I wanna talk to you about a problem i have with my mom. She is very paranoid for some reason. I was honest with her from the begining, i told her my problems, i cried in her arm. Then i got better and better, but from time to time i'd still cry in her arms when paws hit me. She then started to acuse me of being addicted to something else, not weed, because she didn't believe i could be feeling so bad just from weed. I explained her what paws was, i don't know how much she understood, but she then calmed down. I stopped calling her when i felt bad. I went on with my life, but i must be really careful with her.

You see, i can't talk to my mom when i'm tired, or upset. I can't have a lazy voice on the phone, i can't have a few nights of not sleeping very well and talk to her about it, because she then thinks i did something.
These last 2 months i had to be happy happy joy joy on the phone every freaking time. It didn't matter how i really felt, i just had to be good with her, to convince her i didn't do anything. After new years i was sleepy and tired as everybody else, and today she asked with that suspicious voice "are you ok?". I'm tired to hide anything else than happy in front of her. I don't know how to talk to her about this. If i open the subject she then says "who excuses themselves acuses themselves"(it's a saying here jn my country, i transalated it exactly as it sounds). I don't know how to do it. To tell her i am fine, i have my moments like everyone else, but i am fine. Why all this mistrust? I showed her time and time again that i am ok, my bf and i moved to a new house, i decorated it, i worked for it. I was wide awake and i am everytime she comes and visits me. I don't understand why all of a sudden she is so suspicious. I pretended i didn't see or heard her tone of voice, but i just wanna scream at her to just stop. Stop asking me that. I turned the page, i ended that period in my life, i'm building a family and a future.
I know she's a mother and she fears the worst. But it's eniugh i'm scared to death and that is one of the reasons i keep on sobriety, but i don't want her to be the same.

Today i cried after i hang up the phone. For the first time in a long time i haven't cried about my problem. A wave of paws hit me today and it's holding. I know it will pass,i'm not worried. I'm all depressed and anxious again. My relationship with my mom means the world to me and it affects me very much when i know she is not alright because of me. I just don't know how to talk to her to close the subject. Did this happened to you? And if it did, how did you managed it?
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#1

Postby thegreatdane » Sat Jan 05, 2019 10:21 pm

Congratz Helena, i have read your posts and now how hard your journey has been. Im 10 days from being 1 year clean and im still having it bad most of the time, i have started to get some "better" days though. Can you go more in debt about how you have been feeling for the past 6 months? You said the first year was hell, i agree. Sorry to hear that about your mother, i havent told anyone about my addiction and about PAWS. Some things its just best to go with alone, because most people dont even believe or know about PAWS. Congratulations again, you have been doing so amazing! Cant wait till your 2 year report where you will feel amazing ;)
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#2

Postby helenadoc » Sat Jan 05, 2019 11:28 pm

My last 6 months were waaay better. This summer i gained weight :)) i lost 6-7 kg when i started...i put them back. I realised whats important in my life. I had a time last summer when i felt so proud of my achievement, i could see the big picture and i was in heaven :D. Now about paws...i had waves that came and go. Some were bad, some were really bad, but ipulled through. I became more and more occupied with the apartment, the papers i had to take care of. Being activated with these errands helped me a lot. You get connected with what you have to do now, in the present, and you basically forget all this crap.
If you read my posts you know about the stupidity i did 3 months ago. I recovered, but don't ever do that. It's excruciating to go through all the f***ing paws, just like that, for a day of drugs. It's not worth it. After that things went up. Slowly of course. I do have my bad days, but they are manageable. And i know they will pass. They are way shorter and less intense. A bit of anxiety that comes with a touch of depression. I forgot to mention i had a panick attack before sleep a few weeks ago. I don't know were it came from. I thought i drank too much coffee, but then adrenaline washed my body. And check this: mid panick attack i feel asleep :)))) i don't know how i did it, but i see it as a victory.
I found the joy of living again. It gave me such joy to decorate our new home. I was like a child on christmas day :))
I reconnected with my bf, with my life. I don't think anyone here is interested, but i'll share the news :) he asked me to marry him and i said "Yes!Yes!Yes!". I didn't even had to think about it, the words just fell from my mouth and a wave of warmth, love and emotions fell over me. I felt fireworks, litterally fireworks. I never thought i will feel that way again, but i did and it was a big sign from my almost healed brain that i am not broken.
It's my final year in uni and it's decisive for my carrier. I want to close this chapter in my life and go on. I don't want to use proportions on how much i healed because it's very subjective. But i can say i am fine. I really am. It's just the details now that have to be fixed.
So, if i could do it, you will to. Just do your thing, stay sober and it will become better and better. ;)
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#3

Postby thegreatdane » Sun Jan 06, 2019 10:16 am

Thats so amazing to hear, congratulations! Enjoy the feeling you have and its gonna get way better in a year or so. Congratulations on your marriage thats so amazing that you felt all those emotions finally. I feel like there is a barrier between me and my emotions? Did you feel that aswell? Its like i cant feel anything. Sometimes i feel a little bit on my "good" days
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#4

Postby helenadoc » Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:21 pm

Yes, i did. It was like i had a glass wall in front of me and my heart. I saw the people, i knew what i was supposed to feel, but nothing. Like a button was switched or broken. I felt empty.
I was always able to put myself in someone elses shoes (i don't think that's very healthy, but since i was a child i could feel the other persons story. I think empathetic is the word i'm looking for). I lost that too. I thought if i can't feel my own feelings, at least i would feel what others transmitted. But now when i think about it, i guess is impossible to do that when you are not ok with your emotions or lack of them.

That was the hardest part of PAWS for me. Not the anxiety, not the depression, not the anguish, but the lack of emotional response to what sorrounded me. I looked at my bf and i didn't feel sh**, i even pulled back because i felt i was a bitch to him. He was there with all the support he could give me and i was cold as ice. I looked at my own mother and that link you naturally have with your parents was gone. My friends wanted to hug me and i took one step back and said no because i felt i was faking it.

I wanted from all my heart to feel something, but i couldn't. And then slowly things started to come back. They are still coming back now. And it's beautiful when you have a day, like today for me, when i walked my bf to work and when we said goodbye i felt the love between us more intense than ever since PAWS. The warmth of your other half. It's priceless. And i thought i'll never feel that again. I have motivation to do my work at uni, i even got back my lazyness:)))
It's true that when i have a problem i react a bit more anxious than normal. But i think that will disappear in time.
It is a long road to recovery, but there will come a day when you'll be doing your thing and you will realise you got over the hard part. You are out of the woods. There is still a long way 'till the river, but it's through a plain with long grass.
When you'll feel that, it will be way easier. You will feel relieved and you'll know you can build your life again, brick by brick.

If you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask. I'm here for you like others were for me :)
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#5

Postby thegreatdane » Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:30 pm

I totally get what ur saying! I have that a lot. Its like i dont have any love and empathy anymore. I feel a little bit like a sociopath. And my true reality is a very sensitive, loving, intuitive guy so this PAWS thing has litterally turned me into something im not. Last night i had a period of maybe 5 hours where i was out in public and i for the first time in a looong time didnt feel social anxiety. I felt kind of normal and i had confidence in myself. I have moments like that sometimes. I got to be grateful because i didnt have moments like that during my first 10 months of PAWS. Today its like the oppissite. Its a really bad day, and i feel really fatigued, zapped of energy, anxious, emotionless, and depressed. It sucks, but im truly just waiting for a better day again, and hopefully these bad days will come less and less!
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#6

Postby helenadoc » Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:43 pm

See? It's already happening! And these moments will grow and the bad ones stay behind. I had 2 bad days after christmas. I was sitting at the table and the switch turned off. But they went away. It feel like ages but they are not. You will find yourself, trust me. But keep in mind you'll be adding new things. I, for example, i find myself more responsible, i really think through before i do things, i anticipate and take care of situations, i take precautions. Paws makes you be careful and honestly is a very good thing.
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#7

Postby Brudenski » Thu Jan 10, 2019 9:05 am

Congratulations docs for the wedding you fully deserve it. And thks again for passing by and posting positivity on this site to keep us (newbies) pushing to reach that river.
☮️
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#8

Postby Head in loud » Fri Jan 11, 2019 10:00 pm

It is amazing how PAW effects us all so differently. Some don’t feel no emotionals and some like me feels so much emotions. I have alway been emotional but now I’m super emotional. Sometimes I just feel like crying for no reason. What a experience, 193 days in.
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#9

Postby helenadoc » Fri Jan 11, 2019 11:19 pm

I did that too :))) the first 6 months i cried everyday. With or without reason. I used to burst into tears just like that, out of the blue. It was weird and exhausting. Combined with the lack of quality sleep it was awful..
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#10

Postby HopefulMe » Wed Jan 16, 2019 1:18 am

Helena, did everything get gradually better when you were getting closer to a year? Was it a bit faster? Did you have moments where things felt worse? Ugh sorry for all the questions. I'm hitting 10 and a half months in a couple of days and I have moments where I dont even know what to do with myself.....
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#11

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jan 16, 2019 9:30 am

HopefulMe wrote:Helena, did everything get gradually better when you were getting closer to a year? Was it a bit faster? Did you have moments where things felt worse? Ugh sorry for all the questions. I'm hitting 10 and a half months in a couple of days and I have moments where I dont even know what to do with myself.....


Hello. Actually it got worse :))) and then it got better. I had a conflict in that time and it kinda woke me up. I realised i cannot be mad with everyone around me just because i don't feel better.
But it wasn't all of a sudden. Don't expect to wake up some day and everything will be normal, cuz is not going to happen.
And if you think is going to be fast, you haven't been paying attention. Everything happens in it's own rythm.
And yes, sometimes i feltmy world was coming apart for a few days. And then it gradually became better. And then again worse. And so on.
But you'll come at one point when the worse will not feel so worse. And somewhere inside you, you will know it will pass. I don't know how to explain the feeling, but is some kind of certainty you are going to feel in that moment. And that will give you an imense strenght. Even if it gets worse, you'll take it like a champ.

Go for a walk, clean your house. When you don't know what to do with yourself, just do something. It doesn't matter if you feel it's all in vain or if you cry or scream. Just do it. You have to understand that it's a process of healing and overcoming your fears. It takes time and patience.
You'll be alright, just hang in there.
P.s: last month i had 3 days when i felt like in the beggining. High anxiety, depression. I didn't eat, sleep. I cried for 2 days. And it went away and now i'm fine :)
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#12

Postby HopefulMe » Wed Jan 16, 2019 2:33 pm

Trust me I have been paying attention. These past 10 and a half months have taught me that this isnt something that magically disappears. I know everyone's different and I guess I was curious in your story I didnt mean to make myself sound ignorant bc trust me to this I am not lol. It has been the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. And I have been through some pretty messed up things sense I was a kid but this....this takes the cake. The beginning was just out of this world terrible and then it was a bit manageable after 3 months still wasnt easy but I got through it. I was at like 8 and a half months when yeah it felt like the beginning but not as intense but still pretty bad. It was like that about 2 months with some managble days. Then it finally gave me a break. I definitely dont expect to wake up one day and bam everything is better. I know it gets better gradually. And by I dont know what to do with myself I guess I should have worded it different I wrote that when I was feeling worse. I guess it was just one of those in my own head screams when you just need to scream to vent. Congrats on feeling better. I know I'm on my way too. I know it's not a good thing to go through but it's still comforting to know I'm not the only one.
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#13

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jan 16, 2019 2:40 pm

I didn't want it to sound like you're ignorant. My bad, i was trying to be ironic :D.
I know it takes the cake. I felt that too. Do you know why it feels that way? Have you ever wondered why after all the sh** you've been through this tops it all?
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#14

Postby HopefulMe » Wed Jan 16, 2019 3:53 pm

What do you mean? I know how and why this is different from everything I have ever been through. I also never knew about PAWS. Especially from weed that's considered so innocent. You know?
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