A year and a half

#15

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jan 16, 2019 5:57 pm

It took me some time to understand. It hurts to be played by other persons, to be lied to or disapointed. You put your trust in them or in the system and they stab you behind your back. We often look for someone to blame, to cast our pain away and not feel responsible for whats happening. Most of peoples traumas are indeed caused by someone else and sometimes is easier to get over it and move on.
But this...this is our doing. No one forced us to smoke, no one inflated our lungs day by day. When you smoke and see that it doesn't change much, but makes you feel better (e.g: relax, happiness, good sleep etc etc, whatever worked for you) you think it's not such a bad thing. It is widely accepted, so it's even harder to acknowledge the harm it does to you. Overtime you start to see that something is not right, so you stop. And the nightmare begins.
My first 3 months i was obsessed with why is it so bad, i thought weed does you no harm. Which is a big f***ing lie. Weed lied to you!! It's a big thing to accept this. And it hurts like hell to figure this out. You brought this upon yourself! It's another thing that hurts. You feel guilty and disappointed and thought you were smarter than this. You never thought of the consequences of such a weak drug, everybody uses it and no one bats an eye. It betrayed you, your best friends. You came home thinking of it, was with you through thick and thin, and it betrayed you. The thing is you betrayed yourself!
When you are played by someone else is one thing..but when you play yourself is way harder to manage. It takes the cake really :)
Imagine all these feelings coming over you like a tsunami, the result is hopelessness, darkness, low self esteem. All this combined with the brain's chemical imbalance and change of habit, it's a huge task you ask of yourself. But it is the only way you can come out of it.
I didn't knew about paws either until i found this god blessed forum. For a while i was afraid to search for more information. But the desire to get well is much bigger than the fear of staying like this forever, which is not gonna happen. The waves of paws is a proof of the fact that your brain and yourself are still there, it's just the battle it has to take place before you emerge again in the light. Your head is preoccupied with restoring the normal balance you used to have. That's why you're not in the mood for sex, food, you cannot feel things properly, you're confused, you refuse the small pleasures of life. It sucks you out of energy because it is a hard job to do.
I think this applies to most of us here in this forum. It's our doing and we have to work to undo it.
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#16

Postby HopefulMe » Wed Jan 16, 2019 9:24 pm

Honestly I never liked that stuff growing up. N bad experiences with ppl bc of it I disliked it even more. But then the whole its medicine bs came into play in I stupidly gave in. For I think 3 and a half to 4 years (tried to figure it out, cant remember bc of what I'm going through so just pushed it off to not stress myself all I knew was that I had to get better) at first all the signs were there but I just couldnt put 2 plus 2 together especially bc my husband still does that n when he quit he was really hard to deal with (angery very angery)for 3 months n then that was it (this was years ago he fell back into it shortly after) and I thought that's what was going to happen to me and I was going to get over it like he did. So he would tell me it wasnt bc i quit (even though i wasnt anywhere near 3 months) n no its innocent sh** like blah blah blah its plastered everywhere...EVERYWHERE! But I knew it had to be that. Bc no matter all my trauma ect I have NEVER felt that way in my life. But I knew it had to do with that n the one that assured it was my dr. She told me that she had see it many times before and that stuff isnt all butterfly and rainbows. She told me I was going to be like that for a while. I talked to my therapist and she gave me info on PAWS( also saw a substance abuse therapist a couple of times)after I did research on my own and stumbled upon this forum and one other and all kinds of info online. Hands down I took full responsibility for my stupid choice. I still how ever hated and couldnt accept the fact that I was going through something so terrible when my intentions weren't like everyone around me.....I was ashamed and hurt.....n yes just like you said betrayed by it. I understand what you mean. My husband finally acknowledged that that's what was going on with me at almost 4 months. You know addicts dont want to hear the truth about their precious drugs. Especially weed. Stoners are the biggest ppl in denial. Now here I am at almost 10 and a half months n today I actually laughed and felt the joy of it. Not as intense but i felt it. I just wish the weird feelings in my head would at least easy up a little more....its like i could literally feel my brain doing something up in my head it's the weird feeling. Also feeling a bit more like myself... but I still have moments where I question myself n my life. Did you experience anything like that. I have read other posts where some people have almost the same symptoms as myself. I cant wait to be able to close this chapter of my life.
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#17

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jan 16, 2019 9:39 pm

Yes, i experienced that too. Today you are feeling strong, tomorrow you question yourself. It feels like a neverending rollecoaster. But it ends eventually.
I don't know what to say about addiction. Sometimes i think i am addicted, sometimes i do not. The fact that i could just stop wjthout relapse, without cravings...i don't know.
My bf stopped along with me for 6 months...didn't bat an eye. Like nothing happened. Eating, sleeping, livin the life. And i was feeling like i hit rock bottom of depression and hopelesness. He even continued to not smoke very often. We used to smoke every day, now he does it once in a while (every 3 4 months). So there's different kinds of people. You'll feel like yourself again. And your brain will settle down at one point. Right now it feels like you never have peace of mind, even if you are somewhat relaxed. It will become quiet soon :) and it will be a relief
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#18

Postby HopefulMe » Wed Jan 16, 2019 9:56 pm

Yeah I get you. I see more as it took over my brain and body without me even knowing. I guess bc of what you hear everyone say about it. So you trust it. And then reality goes "gotcha bitch!" And you completely get blind sighted....I dont know how I'm feeling today...like ok at moments n then not. You did? Yeah it's like you question reality n sh**. It sucks. I think that gets me alot bc I have two little ones and I dont want to think about stuff like that. In november we celebrated our 13 yr anniversary I was going through one of the bad months and then his 30th birthday n I had to try so hard to keep it together n then my sons bday n the holidays the worst was my daughters bday last year bc it was at the very beginning of all this and my birthday I was pretty emotionally numb I'm just looking forward to being able to enjoy things to the fullest with them. N yeah it wasnt rearly easy for my husband but no where near as bad as me. N you cant help but kinda get a bit mad at them for it feeling like its unfair lol. But yeah that's exactly how it feels. Like if your ok it's like ok well I know it's coming, when, how long ect and we dont help ourselves lol. Oh and I was wondering did your period make things worse too? My substance abuse councilor and therapist both agreed that it does but I just wonder if you could relate? If it's too personal you dont have to answer
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#19

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jan 16, 2019 10:09 pm

It's fine :)) i blaberred here about everything, even my sexual appetite bc everything was wrong =))) i was broken, i couldn't function properly :)))
The first 6 to lets say 10 months i was feeling so bad most of the time that it didn't make a difference really. After i gradually started to feel better, yes, it made it a bit worse, but insignificantly. Just increased anxiety.
Now everything is back to normal: 2 days before my period i'm a bitch :)))
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#20

Postby HopefulMe » Wed Jan 16, 2019 10:41 pm

Yes on the feeling broken! So was it bad at the beginning then got worse for you? It's honestly nice talking to another female. I have talked to some guys here n of course its support but I cant ask them those questions lol. Yes I feel that anxiety is more up there before the curse every month.its funny but normal sounds like a wonderful word lol. Happy for you girl
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#21

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jan 16, 2019 10:57 pm

Was it bad what exactly? I'm sorry i don't understand what are you asking :D
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#22

Postby thegreatdane » Wed Jan 16, 2019 11:18 pm

Hey Helena, im just wondering if you also had a hard time losing weight and did your appetite decrease during PAWS? Im just wondering because i feel like no matter what i do i cant drop any body fat now, and my appetite has just decreased. Im rarely hungry anymore. I also had a lot of constipation and digestive issues during my 3-6 month. I believe it was a symptom that came from weed paws. Weed always made me so hungry so maybe now im experiencing the oppisite effect? PAWS for me is litterally the oppisite of what weed made me feel. Weed made me feel confident, happy, blissfull, hungry, energized. Now im litterally feeling the oppisite lol.
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#23

Postby HopefulMe » Wed Jan 16, 2019 11:27 pm

helenadoc wrote:Was it bad what exactly? I'm sorry i don't understand what are you asking :D
PAWS. Sorry lol. Like were ur PAW symptoms bad and then get worse or were they ok and then got worse?
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#24

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jan 16, 2019 11:30 pm

Hey. Uhm i lost a lot of weight when i stopped. 7-8 kg. I forced myself to eat bc i had no appetite. I was so nauseaus the first 2 months i threw up most of my food. I think it depends from person to person. When we go through rough times our body is stressed which means we have elevated cortisol in our blood. This stress hormone builds fat into the organism. Now, people react differently....some overly eat, some don't eat at all. I, for one, if i'm stressed, consumed by smth, i lose weight. I literaly consume myself. Other humans eat a lot when stressed and get fat. Others don't eat, but the cortisol mantains their weight.
It's a matter of metabolism.
Constipation also helps you store fat. It is a sign of bad digestion and food stays more than usual in your body.
I started to gain weight when i felt a bit more relaxed. I like to eat :D everything. Now i'm a bit overboard :))) a bit more. But the stress of exams is around the corner so i know i will lose some kg on the way :)
Whatch you're eating habits and if you can, change them a bit. It may help.
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#25

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jan 16, 2019 11:34 pm

HopefulMe wrote:
helenadoc wrote:Was it bad what exactly? I'm sorry i don't understand what are you asking :D
PAWS. Sorry lol. Like were ur PAW symptoms bad and then get worse or were they ok and then got worse?


They got worse. If you read my first posts you'll see how my first months were.
Long story short: it all started with a full blown panick attack. After 2 weeks things got worse. And worse. And worse. Here and there i had a week or 2 of being perfectly normal. Those weeks turned to days and then none. Then months of torment. Then 1 2 days here and there of "peace" if i can call it that.
One thing i observed: before it got good it got waaay worse.
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#26

Postby HopefulMe » Wed Jan 16, 2019 11:53 pm

Yeah with me that's how everything started(sever panicattack). But I was sleeping and it woke me up.....and from that point on was hell....then reaching 3 months I started to think a bit more rational and then it was just trying to have better control of things it was a rollercoaster. Then kind of the ending of October till probly the beginning of this month it felt like the first few months but not as intense (thankGod! ) but still awful I freaked out thinking I was going backwards or something?N now the rollercoaster seems a bit different n I'm wondering if its bc im getting closer n closer to over coming this completely?
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#27

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jan 16, 2019 11:59 pm

Yes. But keep in mind that this state will come back. For shorter periods of time. I still have that fear of going back when i feel low. But then again, it goes away. You'll soin notice a pattern. The good days increase and the bad decrease. Sometimes the bad are easy to manage and sometimes...is like the beginning all over again.
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#28

Postby HopefulMe » Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:44 am

Yeah no worries I wont forget about the roller coaster. I know it wont go back to exactly how I was at the beginning bc our brains have rewired alot and has made alot of progress also as long as we stay away from that crap. I know during the worse days it's harder to see the positive but still have to pull through. I wish you the best of luck! Thank you for talking to me and sharing experiences.
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