weed relapse: fell off wagon, but fate threw me back :)

Postby InkChalk » Mon Jan 21, 2019 6:40 am

I feel really lucky...

Didn't make it to 4 straight months... almost did it...
Although the last few months my goal productivity have dwindled with a new 'part-time' job that was meant to be fun, turning out to be really hard.

An Old Roach
I was cleaning my drawers and found an old roach, i smoked it. Previous ones i've found i've thrown away. But i think stress and anxiety has built up. Next day i was at the weed store like '**** it, i'm just gonna start smoking again'. I just wanted to coast, and have an excuse for the lack of productivity for the last few weeks maybe...

Buying gone wrong... but right!
an 1/8th later, and 4 days. I headed to an old dealer buddy to get a larger quantity. Hadn't seen him in a while, and he gave me a 'celebratory' dab hit.... Well HOLY FUCKARINO. I got BLAASTED. Like outta this world full on hallucinatory non-functional blasted. He felt bad, not realizing I hand't smoked in 4 months. Well i couldn't drive, walk or talk, but he got me in the back seat and i slept for 5 hours.

In this hallucinatory dream i lived 1000 years. First had the self-conscious self-hating 'What am i doing with my life, i'm a failure, i suck' go through my head. But it was actually a good wake-up call in a certain way. I hadn't been doing well these 4 months clean anyway.
Then for some reasons i came to the conclusion that i wanted to be a writer. And i made these beautiful million piece architecture ceramic pieces of art in this dream.... for a thousand years in this dream. It was just hard work, on this passion of creating these massive works of art. It showed me that i had to keep working hard in my life, at some passion, and just keep doing it no matter how painful, because some part of me felt truly fulfilled and purpose, and every further piece i made got bigger, harder, refined and more beautiful even if i couldn't see the beauty in it right away. and not smoking away a non-accomplishing lifestyle.

Anyways, buddy came back, to open the gate for me so i could drive out. I talked to him about my issues and journey with weed; and how i felt like i was purposely sabotaging myself, and he gave me my money back, and took the weed back. Saying 'this was meant to be, and he was happy for me that this was a sign for a true realization in my life; even though i've been fighting this struggle for nearly 10 years.

I slept another few in the back seat, then drove the few block home.
So i only smoked 5 days away, then i somehow got out of it. I was ready to keep buying more too!

PAWS from short-term use
But i've gotten through the first week, and the first 3 day were TOUGH, i slept a ton the first 2 days to recover. And sleep is hard again... but it's easier, and i don't think i've thrown out all the hard work.
In-fact i feel stronger and more learned about myself.
And what i truly want out of my life.

I've also met someone i really like some few days after. I've been honest about my situation and we seem to get each other.

So just 5 days of smoking, i've proved (once again haha) i have no self control if i start. But I think it was for the good, and getting blasted at buddy was a saving grace. It has also made me want to reach out to my friends more, and seek more out of life and find what i truly want to get out of this life.

I just wanted to share this with ya'll.

Good luck on all your journeys.
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Postby imondayXX » Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:45 pm

Hey InkChalk... I relapsed as well ...for 6 months lol. I'm on day 41 and feeling I'm on the mend. This time it's different, this time I think I'm done for good. Hope you are keeping well.

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Postby InkChalk » Mon Mar 18, 2019 4:31 am

Thanks for the response iMonday.
Im glad to hear youre back on the mend.

2 months since my this post ive been okay.
Staying clean, Dealing with some other stuff.
But for the most part things are slowly progressing.
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