Fatherless Struggles

Postby noknow » Tue Jan 22, 2019 12:36 am

Around the age of 6 or 7 my parents separated. My biological Dad suffered from severe depression, couldn't function and therefore couldn't provide for the family. About two years latter, my mother remarried. So I had a stepfather in my life but we lacked any connection and I never really considered him as a positive role model. I feel like I was never ever able to express my emotions and have them acknowledged with my stepdad.

Fast forward today I am 31 and I still find myself struggling with my masculinity, self-love, self-hate, identity, forming and maintaining relationships, trusting others, I still feel a void in my life. I also have doubt if I could ever have kids and be a role model, since I never had one. I have tried reaching out to my dad over the years but have not received any interest to communicate and it hurts. So really the last time I saw him was when I was 8 years old. The last I heard was that he was still suffering from severe depression and was in jail for assault, theft, etc.

I have spoken to therapists over the years about it and get some relief. But I'm really looking to connect with other people that have experienced the same thing. Also if there are any books or blogs on this topic that would be helpful. I haven't found many resources for people that are older that are still struggling with never meeting their biological dad and the struggles that follow.

Thanks
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jan 22, 2019 3:23 pm

noknow wrote:I have spoken to therapists over the years about it and get some relief. But I'm really looking to connect with other people that have experienced the same thing.


This is most often a counterproductive approach. It is a familiar form of self-handicapping or avoidance.

What goals are you trying to accomplish in life?

Other than a goal to deal with the topic fatherless struggles, how does...or how should what happened decades ago remotely impact your ability to achieve success today?

Don’t get me wrong. Currently it has a major impact in the form of self-handicapping. The question then becomes, why are you self-handicapping? From who did you learn to self-handicap? My guess is you learned to self-handicap from your remaining parent, your mother. Growing up you might of heard her blame your father for not being able to accomplish X or Y in life. Or maybe she didn’t mention your father, but some other X or Y was the reason goals were not being accomplished. Maybe you learned it from an uncle or aunt, or even in school. Regardless, you learned somewhere to believe that past events have the power, A LOT of power, to dictate your future actions and therefore your future success.
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#2

Postby tokeless » Tue Jan 22, 2019 5:25 pm

My father left when I was born and I've never even seen a picture of him. I realised my 'dad' wasn't my father when I was about 7 but my mum has never said a bad word about him. I've tried to trace him but back in the 60's we didn't leave traces to follow like now and he's also German so makes it even harder. It wasn't until I became a father that it hit me hardest as I couldn't understand how you could walk away from something so amazing and life changing. I didn't realise until I had some counselling that I had issues about abandonment and rejection, perhaps related to that which impacted on my relationships but I have now resolved those. Today at 56 I realise I have no connection with hm and if I met him now, all it would do is satisfy my curiosity as to what he looks like, other than that it wouldn't mean anything I don't think. I'm not angry with him, it's just what it is.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jan 22, 2019 5:42 pm

tokeless wrote: Today at 56 I realise I have no connection...


Today, what power do these memories have over your life? In other words, in your opinion, what do the memories stop you from being able to achieve in life?
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#4

Postby tokeless » Tue Jan 22, 2019 5:56 pm

Hi Richard, they have no conscious power over me I don't think but my mother idolised him even after he'd left so I guess I fantasised about him and my "likeness" to him (her words in terms of looks). I truly needed to see him once but for many years now I don't because it's pointless to hold on to that. I don't even know if he's alive still. As a father myself I try and provide a positive role model to my sons. If I met him now I'd find it harder to care because that time has gone.
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#5

Postby tokeless » Tue Jan 22, 2019 5:57 pm

In terms of achievements, I have done well in my field and life's experiences have enhanced my abilities I think.
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