PAWS Day 54

Postby Sherwood1999 » Sat Jan 26, 2019 6:35 am

Hello guys. I’m Sherwood1999. I’m 19 years old. I started smoking at 15 and got into serious dabbing from about 16-19. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed I dabbed. Either on a pen or with a rig. Even through the work day I dabbed.

Month 1 for me was insane depression. I have never ever experienced mental disorders until I quit smoking. Towards the end of my first month I finally started to have some good days. I started to feel like my old self again. But then about 1 week ago I started having derealisation/depersonalisation. Anxiety goes hand in hand with this and so does depression. I just want to know it’s gonna get better. I really need support in my life. This dpdr sucks and it’s my least favourite symptom. I want to believe so badly that I’m gonna go back to my old self.
I also suffer from insomnia/nightmares/ and a weird burning in the back of my hands.

Any support in these dark days will be greatly appreciated. I’m gonna try to keep an online journal of my journey through PAWS with a month by month update. Next update will be at month 3. Thank you.
Sherwood1999
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#1

Postby Cthompson21 » Sat Jan 26, 2019 1:35 pm

Welcome Sherwood. If you look through this forum you'll see a common thread that most people have gone through what youre going through. I am currently in month 7 and it has improved a decent amount but I still have a ways to go. it was in the second or third month I started getting bad DP and now it is still here but less intense, hoping it fades in the next 6 months. Most people have recovered in a window between 6 months to 3 years. I think a year or a year and a half is typical, most are better by two. everyone recovers differently because body chemistry is different. As long as you don't smoke again (and stay away from mood altering substances like alcohol caffeine nicotine etc) you will recover faster and faster. Keep updating and stay strong.
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#2

Postby Sherwood1999 » Sat Jan 26, 2019 5:51 pm

Thank you so much for the reply. It just feels like it’s never gonna go away but I’m sure it will. It’s east to read the horror stories and feel so helpless/hopeless. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Did you symptoms of dpdr feel like you are in a dream/reality isn’t real? Also it feels like I can’t quite fully feel my emotions n sh** and the love for my family and friends is just no there really. Curious about your input. Thanks again!
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#3

Postby Astro413 » Sat Jan 26, 2019 6:34 pm

Hey Sherwood, to add on to what Cthompson said, yes everything you’re feeling is normal. Actually reading your post gave me flashbacks of what the first 3 months for me was like. I am in month 7 as well and while I’m still in it I think I’m recovering a lot faster than I previously thought I was. I still get sucked into paws but it’s like my symptoms are not nearly as debilitating. Instead of a full blown depression I get low moods, my intrusive thoughts are not nearly as scary and are easier to ignore, and the DP comes and goes but I honestly don’t notice it unless I’m looking for it. Basically what’s going to happen between now and the time you heal you will have periods of times where paws hits you and it will be hell, in the beginning months it will last a little while before you get relief, and the relief won’t last very long. But over time you will notice that reverse and with every bout of PAWS you go through the symptoms will be less and less intense until the inevitably just don’t come back. My advice is stay away from the gloom and doom articles on this board as for me at least they trigger my paws spells, instead focus on the success stories and read those throughout the days when you feel like you can’t remember the last time you had a good day. Try not to count how many days you’ve been clean, it only makes the process feel longer. Just stay clean and forget about it and you will come along. The first 3-6 months are the worst as I can tell you first hand but once your over that initial jump things slowly get easier and easier.
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#4

Postby Cthompson21 » Sat Jan 26, 2019 6:41 pm

Yes the DP feels like that. I still get it daily it's just less intrusive but still bothers me. Like I'm high without the fun of being high, or like I'm not settled in reality. I wish it would go away we just have to have faith. If you look at my thread you can see my story from the beginning, how things have improved. I still feel emotions so I don't know about losing touch with them, but other people on this site have that symptom, sounds horrible, I'm lucky I don't have it. Helenadoc wrote about it. She got better it took a little over a year for her...but her feelings came back. It just takes time that is the cold truth, time and patience are the greatest warriors. I am as frustrated as you are and in the beginning I really despaired (still do some days, on here a lot) but I think once you hit certain milestones it gets better. I made a backwards calendar for two years with milestones at 6 months, nine months, one year. 1.5 years...it helps me feel like I'm making progress when I flip a page and see how far I've come. But like Astro says it's best just to try to distract yourself, keep living, try to stay focused. It is a very hard thing to deal with ontop of everything else life throws at you but I think once we get through one year the worst will be over. I really feel for you and relate to what you're going through, just gotta keep going.
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#5

Postby Sherwood1999 » Sat Jan 26, 2019 8:08 pm

Thanks for the replies guys. I’m gonna hang in there and keep pushing no matter what. It just sucks. I guess I have trouble trying to forget about the dpdr and not ruminate about it or try to feel for it. In time I know things will get better. Also I’m fatigued a lot and it sucks but it could be worse. Thanks again guys.
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#6

Postby Cthompson21 » Sat Jan 26, 2019 8:27 pm

Anytime. Keep posting and staying strong I'll be looking forward to reading about your improvements!
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#7

Postby lefttheleaf » Tue Jan 29, 2019 5:37 pm

Hey man
I’m just over 5 months into quitting weed here myself.
Check out my road to where I currently am if you need some reassurance. I genuinely did not think I’d get better but I now do feel that little bit brighter and I know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
I have had DR/DP for about 3 months every minute of every day more or less but it’s worse if you think about it. Just go with it.
Try and exercise and meditate. They help. They really do. Meditation and mindfulness has helped me a lot. The whole concept of life is utterly bonkers when you consider it as a basic thing. Strip it all back and just let yourself be thankful that you’re breathing and you’re alive. Even if the world around you doesn’t feel real. If you need to shut your eyes and just breath. And listen. Then do.
Some people live their whole lives deaf and or blind. You have as far as I can tell from your post both of those gifts. Take a moment to reconnect with your senses each time you feel yourself losing your way. I’m not out of the woods myself but these little practices have helped me stay connected and push through what is a horrible experience.
Hope it helps. You’ll get there.
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#8

Postby Sherwood1999 » Thu Jan 31, 2019 9:22 pm

Thanks for the assurance. Anything positive helps. Hope we all get better.
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