In need of some advice?

Postby HopefulMe » Sun Feb 03, 2019 6:37 pm

Getting through PAWS while my husband continues to smoke is extremely hard. It's been a really big strain on our relationship. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like this is all my fault for quitting. The thing here is that I hate MJ I always have and now that hate has grown bigger. I did it bc I was stupid enough to believe that its medicine. Bc I have chronic back pain sense I was a kid bc of something that happened to me. (Did it for a little over 3 years he kept on insisting that it would help) I hated that sh** bc of him from when we first got together. Him his brother and his gf did it like if it was heroin. There was no food in the house but there was always weed. Even though his brother and gf had a child they didnt care and would even do it with her in the room. Anyway long story short I feel like we are at a cross road where he wants to continue to do it and doesnt want to hear about how much I hate that stuff and how much crap I'm going through bc of PAWS after quitting. But I cant do that. I cant sit here and act as if nothing even though I'm going through terrible PAWS. And cater to his feelings. I feel like fore once I have to think of my own but I dont want to leave him and hes never going to quit on his own. Hes been doing it sense he was 14. Hes 30. My therapist told me that hes on his own journey with that. But honestly I want him to quit. I feel like it not being around would help me out. This is how alcaholics must feel seeing alcohol plastered everywhere. Bc that how I feel. Is that wrong of me? He said it himself that it's good that I am not doing a drug anymore but he continues to do it and I just cant get near him bc of the smell but then processed to get mad at me? I cant force myself. But he doesnt quit either? I dont know what to do? I dont want my family to fall apart. Every conversation we have about it is just turned into fighting with him saying hes a piece of sh** bc he does it even though I'm going through what I'm going through yet he chooses not to do anything about it? It just doesnt make sense to me? Any advice would help....
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#1

Postby tokeless » Sun Feb 03, 2019 7:10 pm

Hi, it's a tough one. I have known people to not want to stop because they fear the withdrawal or the feelings of wanting to smoke but not being able, so they just carry on. All you can do is make your own choices and decisions. If I were you I'd change tack on the way you're dealing with this. If he wants to smoke then you go out to a friends, take up a hobby that gives you focus and distraction.. If he asks why you go out tell him it's because you don't want to be around people who smoke weed when you've quit. This gives him the choice, to either spend time apart because of what he does or think of changing to. Don't get angry just say I can't change you my love but I don't want you to give up because I call you names but I can't sit in whilst you smoke but I don't mind as it's up to you. If you successfully quit he may decide to because he'll see it's possible. Longer term who knows but this is something to try for now.
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#2

Postby quietvoice » Sun Feb 03, 2019 7:15 pm

It has come to the point where your differing values can no longer be ignored. You don't want to break apart from him, yet he is committed to something that is repugnant to you.

If your best friend or family member came to you with this issue, what advice would you give to them?
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#3

Postby leavepawsbehind » Sun Feb 03, 2019 7:25 pm

I can't imagine dealing with withdrawal and PAWS in that type of environment. It's been tough but my sober spouse has been there for me every step of the way. She never wanted me to smoke in the first place but she has also understood why I did and has never given me the "I told you so" treatment. There's probably a lot of context about the dynamics in your relationship I'm overlooking but it sounds dysfunctional at the moment. I'm sorry you're also burdened with this in the middle of such a difficult health problems to overcome.
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#4

Postby HopefulMe » Sun Feb 03, 2019 9:15 pm

So I asked him if I were to ask him to quit would he? And all hell broke loose....big fight about how he knew this was going to happen and that he didnt think he was going to have to change. And how he likes doing it that he has told me many times before. This went terribly wrong. ...now I'm stuck here with a terrible headache. The thing that sucks the most is that these past couple of months I have been struggling with not feeling like myself and questioning my life and my family. Something I thought was getting better. But then I started to struggle with it for the past couple of months and today I woke up feeling a bit more (just enough to tell a difference)connected to myself and I cant even enjoy it....for those of you that have someone ur with that's understanding and supportive and loving especially through this f***ed up experience. I want you to know how lucky u are. Hug him or her and tell them how lucky you are bc not all of us are. My husband would rather believe that there was something wrong with me way before he would even give it a thought that it was bc of me not smoking anymore and going through PAWS. Thank you guys for being there for me....I really appreciate you.
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#5

Postby HopefulMe » Sun Feb 03, 2019 11:36 pm

I think ima just go on meds....I really dont want to but it's just this is a process and I dont want to lose my family. I feel like I failed bc I am not healing fast enough. I dont want to go back to smoking. So I guess meds it is.....at least I made it to 11 months on my own...
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#6

Postby quietvoice » Mon Feb 04, 2019 12:14 am

leavepawsbehind wrote:[He] would rather believe that there was something wrong with me . . .

Is this the only topic where his respect for you is missing, or is this treatment something you see in other areas as well? How is his treatment of other people in his life, smokers and non-smokers?

Operating or living your life on a different level of consciousness is going to highlight perceptions or perspectives that no longer resonate with your husband's perceptions or perspectives.You may find yourself growing while he is held back by his drug use. Until he is ready to grow himself, which may or may not occur any time soon or at all, there will be a sense of dissonance in the relationship.

He taught you to partake, you did it for a period of time, and now you are out. He may feel that you have rejected him. He may and probably does fear that he is losing you because you aren't who he thought you were after he trained you to partake. He is highly invested in his lifestyle, and now the woman he "loves" doesn't want to be part of it.

Just some of my thoughts, no advice. Life is a "winding road" where we love and learn and come together and grow and change and let go and move on to the next level that is presented to us.

Much love and blessings to you.

~~~
. . . meds . . .

Robert Morse ND,
John Rose.
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#7

Postby HopefulMe » Mon Feb 04, 2019 4:05 am

quietvoice wrote:
leavepawsbehind wrote:[He] would rather believe that there was something wrong with me . . .

Is this the only topic where his respect for you is missing, or is this treatment something you see in other areas as well? How is his treatment of other people in his life, smokers and non-smokers?

Operating or living your life on a different level of consciousness is going to highlight perceptions or perspectives that no longer resonate with your husband's perceptions or perspectives.You may find yourself growing while he is held back by his drug use. Until he is ready to grow himself, which may or may not occur any time soon or at all, there will be a sense of dissonance in the relationship.

He taught you to partake, you did it for a period of time, and now you are out. He may feel that you have rejected him. He may and probably does fear that he is losing you because you aren't who he thought you were after he trained you to partake. He is highly invested in his lifestyle, and now the woman he "loves" doesn't want to be part of it.

Just some of my thoughts, no advice. Life is a "winding road" where we love and learn and come together and grow and change and let go and move on to the next level that is presented to us.

Much love and blessings to you.

~~~
. . . meds . . .

Robert Morse ND,
John Rose.

He doesnt want me to take meds and told me that he would do whatever it takes. He went through PAWS also but it was only for 3 months years ago but hes learned to be more opened minded. He told me he has done more research. I feel like my PAWS also played a bit role on how bad things got. I feel so sensitive to stress.....I know he loves me and cares about me. I just want to put this terrible day behind me. Every thing is ok now. I'm not going to go on meds. I honestly regret making this post. Thank you to everyone that helped me though I'm really greatful
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