[My Long Story] how do i overcome this problem?

Postby kazurengan » Tue Feb 05, 2019 3:52 pm

I'll share a story of my life, that makes me think this is how
my problem started and to make it easier to understand my problem and
current life situation. I don't like to be dramatic but i'll have to so
you guys can understand.


This is an issue that has been bothering me since i was 14-15 years old.
I'm 22 years old today and i still suffer from that.
I never got friends at school and didn't have
an adolescence, i really didn't care about that
much at that time. But today i really feel bad that i couldn't enjoy
my adolescence and i kinda can foresee and feel the negative impact
that will have on me in a near future

When i was a child, to 8-12 years old i would play soccer in my
neighborhood and have a few friends to play with me
same would apply in school, and i didn't think about those things
i just would be the way i am. But then time passed and i stopped
to play soccer and so did my friends, some of them moved away.

I changed school at 5th grade and i had a really hard time there.
I was never good at making friends so i got bullied and that got
a real negative impact in my self-esteem
i still had a friend that i would talk
about my games and what i played the most
I didn't leave my house after school, because i was playing
games everytime, because i could forget what they did to me and
enjoy every moment of playing my games, i got
addicted, and so i stopped going out to play soccer and meet
new people and just started to play on my console
everyday after school.

I think this is when it all started. The days
in school got harder for me socially. I would get
nervous near people or talking to them, Presentations
asking questions to teachers, and on, and on.

I told my parents that i was being bullied.
They spoke to the teachers, but on the breaks
they would just make fun of me.

So i just focused on my studies to leave that hell.

1 year later i left that school and went to a new one
but i would have to wait a few months to begin the new school
I just stood all that time at home playing games
i ended up isolating myself from the "world"
The more i played games, the more i would feel
comfortable I could feel my real self, my real personality

The word i'm looking for here is comfort, i feel comfort and
confident when i'm at home alone or with my parents

(i don't know if this makes any sense, i cant fully explain, it's something
i feel emotionally)

So the new school started. And i felt really
uncomfortable around people. I didn't know how to start
a conversation or make any friends, i lost all my confidence
But still tried to make some friends, did 1. But i
started to observe how people would relate with each other
and how i could improve myself. That made me think
even more how i could improve my friendships or
get new subjects to talk about instead of games
talking about only games still worries me because people
will not have interest in me since i don't do any other stuff.

I don't want to extend this much more but this is pretty much it
My parents divorced and my brother moved away to other city and
i just went downhill from there.
So today i can't accept an incoming call from a stranger or
answer the door from a stranger.
Make presentations
Get downstairs to buy something or drink a coffee.
Anything that involves me to talk with strangers pretty much...
Even my relatives that i don't talk years ago...

And the thing i consider worse and i hate myself for that
is that my mom is needing help financially and i can't apply
for a Mcdonalds job because of my problem, i will get nervous as
hell and i just can't attend people or go to a job interview

Currently i'm taking a course to get employed on an area.
My brother took the same course on the same place i am right now
and he said they will just give me an internship and there is a high
chance i'll work there without needing for an interview. That's a good
idea inititally.

but i'm starting to feel demotivated and i'm in risk to get kicked out
of the course.
This is honestly startling me, i'm getting to a point where i feel
only comfortable alone or with my parents and not with strangers.


I explained my parents already my situation, my mom understands but i really
do feel bad for not helping her. And i don't know how to overcome
this. I talked with my dad about it, and he got an attitude towards me
like "just grow some balls"
Guess what, i'm starting to believe he is right. I wasn't this
worried and unconfident when i was a child and didn't think about
this matters all the time.
I believe the key to overcome this is to just don't give a crap
about what people think and just be myself and what
i need to say or do. Although when i'm at school i feel
"blocked" somehow, i can't fully explain. It's like i have
my real personality at home, and a masked personality
at school that i can't change. I can't maintain my real
personality at school. I can't fully explain, just feel it.

my mom financial situation isn't the best, so we can't afford
a psychologist + i would feel nervous as hell.

I am even trying alternatives way to work from home so i can
help my mom, yes i thought about streaming or youtube
but i can't do it in my current pshychological situation
i would get nervous and don't know what to say and
wouldn't get people's attention. So i'm trying to look for other
alternatives at the moment.

Really sorry for the long text, but i needed to unburden this somewhere.
since i don't have a psychologist. You guys can call me a big drama
queen and i kinda agree. But i wouldn't post this if i did know what
to do right? This post may be a big mess to read
and understand, since i couldn'tdecide how to write certain
things, events and i was trying to remember them.

Any help is appreciated, and thank you for your time
for reading my situation, i wish you the best
kazurengan
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Feb 05, 2019 4:17 pm

kazurengan wrote:I explained my parents already my situation, my mom understands but i really
do feel bad for not helping her. And i don't know how to overcome
this. I talked with my dad about it, and he got an attitude towards me
like "just grow some balls"

Guess what, i'm starting to believe he is right.



This is a common problem in our digital, comfortable world. Children that face a scary outside world in the form of a *bully* retreat into the comfort of the nest, the protection of the parents. The parents do not respond correctly, because they do not recognize that providing shelter isn’t always healthy. A parent might be well intentioned and say “grow some balls” but this is not very helpful if at the same time the parent is enabling the child to remain a child.

You are 22. You should be an adult, but you have been overprotected, over sheltered, and now struggle to function. Historically, in the teen years is the time where you learn to face your fears, where you experience the “rite of passage”. You are expected to hunt, to go to war, to be an adult from the early teen years. But, modern society has lost the value in teaching young teens how to leave the nest, how to face the *bully*, how to navigate the unexplored.

You’re dad is absolutely, 100% correct. You need to take action to remove yourself from your comfortable environment. Your parents are enabling you to be weak, to be scared, to retreat into their protective arms. It is tough for parents to realize this. It is tough for parents to stop enabling you, to push you out of the protective nest and force you to handle things on your own.

Therefore, if you want to improve you need to recognize that your parents are unfortunately not doing your any favors. Don’t blame them, don’t blame yourself. There is no value in placing blame. Instead, just focus on the reality that being so sheltered is not the path forward. You need to take steps to unshelter yourself, to expose yourself to more and more experiences that take you out and away from your parents.
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#2

Postby kazurengan » Tue Feb 05, 2019 4:52 pm

what would be your advice for my first step? since i don't have any ideas.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Feb 05, 2019 8:41 pm

At 22 you have two primary goals:

-1- Get a job.
-2- Live on your own.

Each of these primary goals can be broken down into subgoals with each requiring certain abilities that you currently lack. For example, it sounds like you lack certain social skills. Therefore, a first step is exposing yourself to social situations and growing this ability.

Once you are able to socialize, you can then apply for a job that requires interaction with others.

The idea you will stay in a room and make money online is not a healthy goal. In fact, it is counterproductive.

Search for some local clubs, meetups, sports, volunteer organizations, etc., that will allow you to get out of your comfort zone, to get out of the house and away from your parents, and will help teach you social skills.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:17 pm

Oh, and since *bullying* is on your reasons for lacking confidence, consider the social activity of learning a martial art. Contrary to what some wish to believe, learning to defend yourself is not only about the physical. There is a lot of mental strength that teaches you how to manage a potential threat without the use of any physical force.
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