13 months PAWS update

Postby thegreatdane » Thu Feb 07, 2019 10:36 pm

Hey guys. So im now 13 months weed free. This month has been insanely tough. Im sorry for filling you with negativity and lack of hope, but i need to give you guys the truth of my journey. I have had no "good" days this month and have been hit by different waves. I had a wave the first week of this month which was horrible. Im still feeling it till this day. Smoking weed disgusts me so i will never go back to it. Honestly i dont know whether or not i will ever heal. The hard thing about PAWS is, it feels like NOTHING is happening. I dont know whether my brain is rewiring or not. Its the most scary thing i have ever gone through. Im a person i dont want to be. I dont love myself anymore. Not even in the slightest. Everyday i just wish for this to change but it hasnt. I have had better days during these 13 months but its nothing like where i have hoped to be at all. And this month just feels like month 4-10. I wanna cry but i feel emotionless due to paws. Im very spiritual and i feel like my connection i once had to the divine/god whatever you wanna call it, is GONE. I feel like god cant hear me when i pray to get better soon. The thing that keeps me going and get uo everyday for work is reading the success stories on here. Without them i would be lost so thank you guys for everything you all have done. At least im not alone in this.
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#1

Postby leavepawsbehind » Fri Feb 08, 2019 5:49 pm

I'm a week away from 13 months sober. This is the first month I've had real windows of normalcy come into view. I'm still getting waves of anxiety with the other symptoms, but I had a week long stretch with no tinnitus, no anxiety, no depression, high energy and normal sleep. I thought I would not break through at all before this month and that I was permanently FUBAR. I'm still frustrated with PAWS and with my normalcy window being broken again, but I have a lot more hope than I did when I closed out 12 months sober. Hang in there bud, it will just spontaneously happen and if you're like me, you'll feel like you haven't felt in a long while.
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#2

Postby thegreatdane » Fri Feb 08, 2019 6:47 pm

Thank you so much brother that means a lot and gives me HOPE! Did you ever feel like you were just damaged for life and something was seriously wrong with you? Like you would never heal and good things would only happen to the other people struggling with PAWS? Anyways im happy to hear you have had a good month! I hope it will hit me soon enough. The low energy thing has been a real struggle, havent even had high energy for all of my quitting journey.
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#3

Postby Cthompson21 » Fri Feb 08, 2019 6:50 pm

Stay strong Dane. I sent you a PM. I'm sorry you're going through all this and my heart goes out to you. It may take another year but you are so strong for coming this far!
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#4

Postby leavepawsbehind » Fri Feb 08, 2019 7:04 pm

Yeah bud, I thought I was fried for life. Nothing seemed to improve and I felt stuck. I thought it was my new normal. In many ways, I was worse off than I was at earlier periods of the process. One day, I was distracted with work and was knocking out problems left and right, got home and realized I felt great and that I didn't have any symptoms. I thought they would return during the weekend, but they didn't. It was pretty awesome. I suspected the problems may come back into view eventually, and they did, but it was my first true taste of a window that so many others talk about with windows and waves. I didn't do anything special. I keep a clean diet, exercise regularly, and try to get my 8 hours every night. No snake oil, no meds.

Anyways, I woke up earlier this week with a sore jaw and racing thoughts, anxiety, and low energy, so I knew the break was over, but it was very welcome and made me feel a little more sane and hopeful.
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#5

Postby thegreatdane » Fri Feb 08, 2019 8:19 pm

leavepawsbehind - That makes me really happy to hear, because in many ways our journey has been similar. I sometimes very rarely have a good day or half a good day. But man this proccess is SLOW, i wonder why its so slow for some. Maybe because i started young with smoking and im still young, i dont know. Thanks for giving me hope, keep updating on here please :D

Cthompson21- I responded to your PM, thanks again! I think you might be right with the fact that it might take another year. I hope it will be sooner and i hope i will see much more progress before that, but if it happens to be another year it is what it is. I cant change or speed up this proccess.
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#6

Postby LondonScouse » Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:38 pm

Hey man just do you know, I totally get the lack of emotion thing. It's like the main thing holding me back.

I too feel like I'm damaged for life and will not heal like the other people who recover on this forum.

I also started smoking at a very young age as well.

Have you noticed that when people talk about paws on this forum, they describe a set of symptoms that relate specifically to anxiety. Although I have the same interest of quitting weed and recovering like everyone else, I can't help but feel that their 'paws' does not resonate with me.

Anyways, just wanted to tell you that I'm in the same boat. Recovery seems non existent for me. My days today feel similar to the days I had a year ago. Nothing has changed really.
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