by Charles Swann » Thu Feb 14, 2019 6:29 pm
Dude. I am going through everything you wrote about, and I am at 13 months, too. No effing energy. Couldn't get out of bed today. Life has no meaning. Good for a short time, then right back in the hole. I'm at my wit's end.
I've quit before, in 1991, after more than a dozen years of everyday usage, best stuff in New York City. It was $200-400 an oz even back then...from places like Afghanistan, and Burma and California. Within a month, I had done things I put off for years, met new women, was kicking donkey at work. All that was part of the motivation for quitting this time, after another 16 years. I need to move forward, and when I quit, my super powers return.
Not this time. I always thought that stuff about how much stronger weed is now was bull. But it's not. About 8 years ago I switched to some of the best, and around four years ago it took another leap. I wasn't searching it out, my dealer's California supplier just got better and better. I don't think there was any stronger in the world, based on my 45 years of ganja experience. I didn't need it that strong, and didn't need the sativa THC, but that's how it came, and why not get the strongest you can for the money?
My first weeks quitting this time were a walk in the park -- sweating, nightmares, chills -- big effing deal. But I got slammed at 2 months, and it's been mostly hell since. I can see brain function improvement, particularly in memory. Things are coming back to me, flooding into my mind -- the name of a one-night stand 25 years ago, or the name of an obscure co-worker from long ago. My super powers are not coming back though. My social life sucks, I forgotten what punani even looks like, I'm still broke, I'm not smelling the roses.
I'm telling you this because you need to know it's not about you. That thinking is part of what got us here. The universe is not conspiring against you. It's not "why is this happening to me?" because it's happening to me, too. I never met you, but I am 13 months clean, and every word you wrote rang true.
So here's my advice to help you get through today, because that's what you need to do -- deal with today. And while I think people generally don't need advice, they just need a sympathetic ear and love, I'll break my own rule, and give you advice because today we are brothers electronically, I feel you and am living your pain, and I'm telling myself these things, too:
It's not just you. This isn't about you. It never was. We're all in this mess. Why? An effing weed! An insidious, sneaky, cunning, nasty, evil little plant that took over our lives. Get mad. Turn it outward. It's not you. It's that little skanky stinking weed that did this. They say willpower alone isn't enough. That may be true. But it's all I got, and I'm going with it. I am effing mad as hell. I want to strangle my dealer. I want to beat the growers, I want to smack the sheit out of all the pro-marijuana legalize it idiots. I especially want to slap the CBD idiots. Stick your CBD up your hiney. CBD shampoo. CBD eyelid moisturizer. F CBD, F weed legalization, F all these idiots who don't know it's more addictive to me than cigarettes, alcohol, oxy, gambling, or anything else. Yes, release the prisoners, the poor kids who can't get a job or apartment, the laws are screwed. But weed is a killer. It will kill me, and it will kill you if you go back. You got this far, don't kill yourself. Live and help other people.
That's my message to you today, on Valentine's Day, when I got nobody who will hold me or whisper my name. I have my hatred of weed and what it did to us to keep me warm. It will get better if you keep hanging in there. Be stubborn, be dogged. Don't look back. Keep fighting the plant, stay alive, and know you will be happy one day if you persevere. It will pass. I promise you. Life will be better. Just get through today. We're in it together.