Everything has fallen apart

Postby thesilentOwl » Fri Mar 01, 2019 12:12 am

Hi this is my first post on this forum. What I am about to explain is quite lengthy so I'll keep it as short as possible. I'm 24 years old and have no confidence and zero self esteem. Don't get me wrong I've tried f***ing hard to help myself so many times. It feels as if everyone is against me like humans aren't humans. They are like robots that are 10 steps ahead of me. I have come to the conclusion that it started in secondary school. I was teased a lot, never really said anything when I was upset or angry. Six form was a lot worse. Peers would make fun of me, call me names and say I was stupid. Again, never said anything back to defend myself what so ever. At first I thought I was scared to say anything back but I'm certain that I'm not scared I just couldn't be bothered to deal with it. University was awful and finished when I was 21 and got an average score. I really did try to socialise and make changes towards myself. I forced myself to ask friends out or over to eat, went to the movies, helped them out, drove them places when their car was being viewed for MOT. I live in the United Kingdom. I joined running clubs and so many other things but I suck as all of that. I try my best not to be so sensitive but I really just don't understand why everything bothers me.

Anything I try has failed. The past two weeks I've changed a lot. My hands will shake when I'm talking to colleagues at work, my heart beats extremely fast and feels hollow. That's the best way I can describe it. The back of my throat becomes really dry and I can't concentrate on anything. Someone could say something rather simple and wouldn't hear a word. I feel so slow and can't do anything right. The things I enjoy I'm not longer good at. At the moment I'm unsure of what to do. What I would like from this thread is some guidance with what I can try next. I've summarised some of the things I've done to tried. I didn't half donkey trying to help myself, even for my standards. I gave it my best shot. If you would like me to explain anything I wrote I will be more than happy too. Thank you, Sophie.
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#1

Postby Candid » Fri Mar 01, 2019 7:04 am

thesilentOwl wrote:I was teased a lot, never really said anything when I was upset or angry. Six form was a lot worse. Peers would make fun of me, call me names and say I was stupid. Again, never said anything back to defend myself what so ever. At first I thought I was scared to say anything back but I'm certain that I'm not scared I just couldn't be bothered to deal with it.


This is the guts of it, Sophie. When our boundaries are breached we need to defend them. If we don't, but just keep swallowing our anger, we switch off, numb out, and shut down. That's what's happened to you.

I suggest you google assertiveness training, begin to name your feelings as they arise, and start to practise the concepts. You might need a therapist's help to get started. Don't let this issue get the better of you!
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#2

Postby thesilentOwl » Sun Mar 10, 2019 11:53 pm

Hiya Candid,

sorry for the very late reply. I did swallow my anger a lot and it became an automatic response for me. I still don't understand how it bothers me. I'm unsure of how to move on from this or anything really. It has been so many years since this stuff has happened but I'm still holding onto it. There are so many small little things that bother me and feel as if they are at the tip of my every thought. It is really hard to put into words for me to explain so I hope this makes sense. I googled assertiveness training and started learning a few of their techniques. The guides I read go quite in-depth and I've found to be really useful. I created a routine which I practice through the day. I'll post some feedback in a week.

I'm really angry and feel hopeless. The things I enjoyed and were good at aren't enjoyable anymore. I can't seem to do anything right. I've been practising my craft for almost my entire life and can be outperformed by someone who has just started. I'm embarrassed of myself. How can I let go of something that happened to me so long ago? I wouldn't know how to explain to my family that I'm going to see a therapist. Honestly, they aren't understanding like that and would call me crazy...
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#3

Postby thesilentOwl » Mon Mar 11, 2019 12:22 am

Something I forgot to add in my previous message is that I feel like I'm not looking at the bigger picture. I feel like I'm missing something or have forgotten about it and can't put my finger on what it is. Everything feels blurry. I try my best to calm myself and move on but that has never worked. Honestly, I wish there was just a magic wand that can fix everything. I'm a huge mess. Is there a method or way to confront my anger? Thanks again, Sophie
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#4

Postby Candid » Mon Mar 11, 2019 7:29 am

Feelings are your best guide through life. No doubt you've got very good at rationalising when someone says or does something to upset you. Practise naming these feelings as they arise. If you can't do it fast enough, leave the room and think about what just happened. Then go back in and tackle it.

Assertiveness begins with saying "When you said/did this, I felt XXX". It names the behaviour and your reaction without apportioning blame. If someone implies you have no right to feel that way, shrug and say "that's how I feel". People will then usually apologise, and the way is open to communication. Sometimes people will bite back with ridicule, but that's their problem, not yours.

Denying, ignoring, rationalising or minimising our feelings is what leads to the crippling shame you've written about, so that we can no longer get on with the things we were good at. We can't trust ourselves to protect ourselves. We become the world's dumping ground.

The opposite is what I've described above. Start honouring your own feelings and you'll start chipping away at the anger and paralysis that are keeping you stuck. It'll be a whole new world!
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#5

Postby BrokeSuicide » Mon Mar 11, 2019 7:33 am

Candid appears to me a rather boring and pathetic person.

I know I'm not a great person either. What you write is stupid. Sorry just being honest.

Have a good day.
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