Have I abused?

Postby Shaun83 » Thu Mar 07, 2019 3:24 pm

Hi first time post. I've been having a rough time recently by obsessively ruminating about a childhood incident from over 20 years ago to the point where I’ve had debilitating anxiety & panic attacks.

When I was approx 11-14 I was at an age where I was discovering myself sexually and I would spend a lot of time my room what I would now call 'dry humping' my bed. I didn't really know about masturbation but all I knew was that rubbing against my mattress felt good/comforting to me at that age.

Anyway my anxiety comes from a time when my younger brother who was about 3-5 years old came in my bedroom one time when I was doing this and I from what I remember he climbed on top of me and lay on my back as if he was hugging me or I was giving him a piggy back. I can't explain why but maybe because my hormones were raging at the time I carried on humping my bed whilst he was lay on my back. I might have thought it was funny or was just playing around at the time, I can't really remember, but I remember feeling slightly aroused and then feeling a little bit strange about the situation and then I must've stopped. I must add that we were both fully clothed and it must have only lasted 30 seconds or so. He was lay on my back so I couldn't see him and didn't touch him and there was no threat/coercion.

I recall feeling embarrassed about it a few years after the time realising it was an odd situation and even mentioned it to my family who told me it was nothing to worry about. I never gave it any other thought until recently.

I have never had any kind of similar incident happen since, I'm now married with my own family and I don't have any unusual sexual desires. Also I have a great relationship with my brother who is now a healthy adult with no issues whatsoever.

I don't know why I've chosen to dwell and ruminate on this now. I'm just spending days consumed with guilt & worry as when you google child on child sexual abuse it says any sexual activity with a child who can't consent is basically abuse and also the difference in age goes against normal exploration ages.

Have I abused? or is this just my current OCD/anxiety magnifying the situation? do I have a reason to be concerned?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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#1

Postby Candid » Thu Mar 07, 2019 4:19 pm

Shaun83 wrote: any sexual activity with a child who can't consent is basically abuse


So you gave him a piggyback. How does that constitute sexual activity?
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#2

Postby Shaun83 » Thu Mar 07, 2019 4:27 pm

Because I was humping the bed whilst he was lay on my back, and I got aroused.
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#3

Postby Candid » Thu Mar 07, 2019 4:29 pm

That still isn't sexual abuse. You didn't touch him, you didn't ask him to touch you.
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#4

Postby Shaun83 » Thu Mar 07, 2019 4:42 pm

I know there was no touching involved, i think what triggered my anxiety was when I googled the definition of child on child sexual abuse and it says any sexual activity with a child and because I got slightly aroused I’ve classed it as a sexual activity.
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#5

Postby Candid » Thu Mar 07, 2019 4:51 pm

Shaun83 wrote:I googled the definition of child on child sexual abuse and it says any sexual activity with a child


Yeah, but from his perspective there was no sexual activity. He got on your back while you were dry-humping. It was his choice. He had no frame of reference for what you were doing. He wouldn't remember it now.

we were both fully clothed and it must have only lasted 30 seconds or so. He was lay on my back so I couldn't see him and didn't touch him and there was no threat/coercion


So yeah, you know there was no harm in it. He had a free ride.

Your OCD/anxiety is the only problem here.
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#6

Postby Shaun83 » Thu Mar 07, 2019 5:02 pm

So it’s definitely not abuse then? I know my ocd/anxiety issue is more than likely the issue here, and I’ve been seeking reassurance which has probably made things worse. I appreciate your responses anyway, thank you.
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#7

Postby Shaun83 » Thu Mar 07, 2019 5:27 pm

Also is it wrong that I got aroused in that situation? I just feel immense guilt from it, looking back.
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#8

Postby Candid » Thu Mar 07, 2019 5:38 pm

How does this anguish help you?

You were masturbating. Most people do.
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#9

Postby Shaun83 » Thu Mar 07, 2019 5:49 pm

Candid wrote:How does this anguish help you?

You were masturbating. Most people do.


I know, but it’s the fact that a much younger child was lay on my back at the time. I feel guilty for that, and that’s why I perceived it as abuse.
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#10

Postby Shaun83 » Fri Mar 08, 2019 11:10 am

Ok, my last concerns on this.

I worry that when he was on my back that this may have added to my arousal, therefore have I unintentionally used a child for sexual gratification?

I feel panicked that If this situation could be in anyway classed as child on child abuse then I don’t deserve to be happy.

I know my ocd is running riot with this but I would appreciate any more feedback.
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#11

Postby Candid » Fri Mar 08, 2019 4:03 pm

You won't get any more from me.
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#12

Postby Shaun83 » Fri Mar 08, 2019 4:36 pm

Candid wrote:You won't get any more from me.


Ok Candid, that’s fair enough, my ocd/anxiety is running high at the moment, and you’re right that’s the only issue here. I appreciate your help in this case.
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#13

Postby Shaun83 » Sun Mar 10, 2019 3:57 pm

Shaun83 wrote:Ok, my last concerns on this.

I worry that when he was on my back that this may have added to my arousal, therefore have I unintentionally used a child for sexual gratification?

I feel panicked that If this situation could be in anyway classed as child on child abuse then I don’t deserve to be happy.

I know my ocd is running riot with this but I would appreciate any more feedback.



Hi I would really appreciate someone else’s perspective on this as I can’t seem to shake this situation from my mind and it’s effecting my home and work life.
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#14

Postby tokeless » Mon Mar 11, 2019 7:15 am

Nobody can change your perspective other than you. You'll had opinions and advice but you want more? Feeding your OCD won't change anything.
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