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#15

Postby Stevenpearce » Mon Apr 08, 2019 9:24 am

Survived another weekend and if have time to myself/know wife and kids are out a voice in my head says ‘get weed and get as messed up as possible’ without me even thinking it? Suppose it’s a default reaction but pleased I didn’t as had much better fun and rest without it. Also not losing my temper at home etc.


Hope you all have a wonderful week!!
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#16

Postby tokeless » Tue Apr 09, 2019 6:19 am

That's the way to look at it. What would getting high give you that you haven't had before? Then what, start again, give up again? Just keep making good choices like the ones you have.
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#17

Postby Stevenpearce » Thu Apr 11, 2019 7:01 am

Thanks timeless, things going OK, feeling positive and looking forward to the weekend as we are off to the coast to freeze in a yurt! Should be fun and I think it’s important for me to have things to do and occupy my mind. Played squash last night for the first time in ages and was great fun. Will probably join the league - thing is when I smoke it literally becomes my only focus. I hate that.

Enjoy the rest of the week guys.
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#18

Postby Stevenpearce » Wed Apr 17, 2019 7:36 pm

It’s been a weird week for me. Felt ill last Thursday and had to stay in bed all day Friday. Was nice to feel actually ill and not be ill and stoned - which is a horrible sort of feeling. I was coughing, high temperature and sore throat but thought to myself I used to get high when feeling like which shows how addicted I really was / am.
Went away on Saturday and had some really bad rows with my wife (she’s not aware I started smoking again) over really silly things and she said how I’ve been flying off the handle a lot recently especially to the kids but I couldn’t tell her the reason why. That being said the arguments would have still happened and we had more over the weekend to the point where divorce and separation were mentioned.
Obvs very disturbing and things have calmed down now but I’ve been really emotional when talking about it with friends and think is this a real feeling or am I just struggling with the effects of stopping smoking? Dreams been very vivid also. Just want to be happy so fingers crossed it will blow over soon and I can be a bit calmer in conflict scenarios.
I think with my marriage I have had my head in the sand and sort of used weed as a way of ignoring that I may not be happy. Focusing on getting high, making sure I don’t run out and manipulating all around me so that I can have time to myself to smoke in secret. Really pathetic when you think about it. Sorry for the long post I already feel better for getting it out.

Hope you are all doing great, I’ll report back when I am feeling better as hoping this illness is what is making me extra emotional and over analytical !!
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#19

Postby tokeless » Wed Apr 17, 2019 7:48 pm

Hi,
I'm a bit confused.. Have you lapsed back to smoking? It happens but isn't a reason to keep doing it. Hiding behind the smoke is common and I can relate to what you said. I did the same. I think your snappiness is probably when you're craving but can't just smoke because of your secret, assuming you have lapsed. I suggest you feel the fear but do it anyway. Come clean, don't hide. Talk to your wife about how you feel and perhaps consider counselling to see if you both see the marriage as salvable or not. You can't stop smoking if you're hiding your emotions with it.
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#20

Postby Stevenpearce » Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:01 pm

Hi tokeless - first of all thanks for taking an interest in me and your feedback. No I haven’t relapsed haven’t smoked at all since end of March.
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#21

Postby Stevenpearce » Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:16 pm

Sorry just to clarify I quit for over 14 months back in 2013 and my wife thinks I’ve stopped since then.....
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#22

Postby tokeless » Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:18 pm

Stevenpearce wrote:Hi tokeless - first of all thanks for taking an interest in me and your feedback. No I haven’t relapsed haven’t smoked at all since end of March.



Went away on Saturday and had some really bad rows with my wife (she’s not aware I started smoking again)
???
Glad to hear it but that's the bit that confused me.
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#23

Postby Stevenpearce » Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:39 pm

Lol when I re-read the post I sort of worked out that was confusing!!!!!

Cheers Tokeless hope you have a blessed Easter mate.
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#24

Postby Stevenpearce » Fri Apr 19, 2019 8:25 am

Am pleased today as was offered some weed this morning and I turned it down! I’ve told this person not to let me know when they have it and not to offer it to me but they don’t listen!!!
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#25

Postby Stevenpearce » Sat Apr 27, 2019 10:15 am

Hi all so think I am nearly a month clean now but I’m not counting, just dealing with it on a day by day basis. Still romanticising about having a spliff but after reading a lot on hear I am one of these people that can’t keep trying to use in moderation. If there’s one thing I have learnt is that experiment fails consistently!!!

One thing I have started doing is smoking cigarettes more. I hate them! But once I have one I want more until my throat or chest hurts and I stop again.

Also got some heavy personal stuff going on which I need to deal with but don’t want to do anything rash about in case I’m not thinking straight cos of stopping.

On a positive note going to get a massage (Thai) and after that probably a steam and sauna. Tell you something that beats sitting indoors watching crap on the box and blazing spliffs all day!!

Have a great weekend all!!
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#26

Postby tokeless » Sat Apr 27, 2019 4:42 pm

Hi,
The increase in cigs is probably cravings and the action is the same but less satisfying so you smoke them more.. If I was waiting on a drop I'd want to smoke cigs more. What I would suggest is that you work on breaking the link between stress management and smoking because they aren't linked in terms of working. If they did we wouldn't be stressed in the first place. Good on you for not taking the weed... It's always a battle in your mind that breaks you. Stay strong.
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#27

Postby Stevenpearce » Mon May 06, 2019 2:44 pm

Sleeps been up and down some nights I wake up completely rested then others will have vivid dreams and wake up feeling completely knackered. Both situations have me feeling like I need a nap around lunch time. Haven’t been remotely interested in smoking weed but do crave cigarettes - especially at work but literally only having five max per day.

My temper has been short in certain situations and that pisses me off. I know it’s the most productive way to be and being pissed off don’t make something easier to to do it makes it harder. I hope I am not tempting fate but I am not getting any of the other symptoms (paws etc) that people refer too a lot on here... hope that remains the case!!!
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#28

Postby tokeless » Mon May 06, 2019 5:26 pm

Hi again, good to see your still off weed. The dreams are normal and will subside in time. Irritability can be a symptom of cravings or looking to weed/cigs at times of stress. All I can suggest is looking at your stressors and accepting smoking doesn't actually manage them, just breaks the feeling. You're doing really well so just keep at it. I never got PAWS either so it's not unusual for some. I've always believed the battles are in your mind... Seems like you're winning yours so keep on doing well.
Best wishes
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#29

Postby Stevenpearce » Thu May 16, 2019 6:22 am

So I’m still going strong. Have been around week a few times now and whilst I like the smell the though of the high makes me shudder.

Have been lazy around my fitness due to work commitments and days off etc but went yesterday to spin and felt great because of it. I’ve been feeling anxious about things and letting my thoughts escalate and cause me stress but the class has made me feel mentally better. Will keep it up. Keep having consistent dreams where I am skinning up but not smoking. It’s weird how it enters your dreams! Love to all hope you have a great week.
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