rules of any relationship

Postby johnmason » Mon Mar 18, 2019 4:26 pm

what are the rules of any relationship? to what extent should i help somebody? actually i seek deep meaningful connections with people..for me this connection means giving help to other person whole heartedly..? but on helping people they ask for even more help..how do i handle this..how do i trust people ..
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#1

Postby tokeless » Mon Mar 18, 2019 5:10 pm

Relationships is a broad term and depending on their proximity or closeness to you will effect how that relationship works and it's boundaries. If you mean everyday relationships then they usually rely on being polite and respectful towards each other but usually have more rigid boundaries because these people may not be considered close to you emotionally.
With those who are close, the same applies but we usually have more tolerance to their behaviours and we accept them more even if they push the boundaries. Can you be more specific so I can avoid an essay?
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#2

Postby johnmason » Mon Mar 18, 2019 6:48 pm

example asking me for money and not giving it back..asking for favours to do..
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#3

Postby tokeless » Mon Mar 18, 2019 7:33 pm

johnmason wrote:example asking me for money and not giving it back..asking for favours to do..


There's a known rule regarding friends and money.. They don't mix most of the time. Having said that I have lent a friend money but only because our friendship was worth more so I knew he'd give me it back, and he did. Sounds like you're asking how not to be taken advantage of.. Set your boundary and stick to it. If the other person doesn't like it, hey, tough. Why don't they like it? You can only be taken advantage of if you allow it.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Mar 19, 2019 2:11 am

johnmason wrote:example asking me for money and not giving it back..asking for favours to do..


I have two rules.

The first rule, I never officially loan money to a friend. I give it to them and let them know they can pay it back whenever they can. If they pay it back, great. If not, no big deal. I consider it a gift. Given this rule, I never loan more money than I’m willing to lose.

The second rule, I never lend additional money to a friend that has not paid me back.

The above two rules have helped maintain friendships over the years. I have a range of friends and I know what to expect from each. One friend never has money, so I pick up small tabs such as buying him a drink or two. Another friend borrowed some money and never paid it back. Since then he asked for a substantial loan, which I politely refused.

As for favours, I have only a single rule. DO NOT expect anything in return. That is the only rule. With no expectation of anything in return, I accept full responsibility over my right to say yes or no, my right to accept or decline. In my world, there is no quid pro quo for doing someone a favor. That makes it easier to say no.
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#5

Postby johnmason » Tue Mar 19, 2019 2:55 am

one more question..should we consider status..age..sex etc while making friends?
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Mar 19, 2019 3:17 am

johnmason wrote:one more question..should we consider status..age..sex etc while making friends?


Why? You must have some thought process or example that made you think of this question.

Making a friend isn’t the same as choosing a life partner. Making friends is not like using a dating app where you filter by preferences.

Instead, typically speaking, friendships develop naturally out of shared interests or activities rather than irrelevant factors. Friendships are not typically screened and accepted or rejected based on sex, age, or status.

If you like to play chess and another person challenges you to a game, do you say yes if they are male and no if they are female? Or would it be a better idea to just play chess together and see what friendship might develop irregardless of these other factors?

Again, I’m curious where the question comes from?
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#7

Postby johnmason » Tue Mar 19, 2019 3:35 am

actually it is kinda difficult for me to make friends..so i want to be more selective..friendship doesnt just happen to me..since i dont socialize much..so if i am investing in any relationship.. i have to be specific ie. what type of friends do i want? example- would it nake sense if a rich person be friends with working labour? if it is so wouldnt the labour take advantage of the rich guy?
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#8

Postby johnmason » Tue Mar 19, 2019 3:52 am

i am not the type with lots of friends..for me 2 or 3 close friends matter..if i am having these 2 or 3 close friends..how do i set the boundary of relationship with them ? how much should i help them in regard to financial assistance , doing favours etc.? how should i select people to make friends?
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#9

Postby johnmason » Tue Mar 19, 2019 3:54 am

is there any difference between how you are with your family members and with friendship.
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Mar 19, 2019 5:05 am

johnmason wrote: ie. what type of friends do i want? example- would it nake sense if a rich person be friends with working labour? if it is so wouldnt the labour take advantage of the rich guy?


If they both enjoy a game of chess, what difference does rich or poor make?

And tell me, you don’t think a rich person will take advantage of another rich person? That is absolutely not true. Rich people are like any other human. They will take advantage of others just as likely as anyone else. Your logic fails on this point. Technically, if you fear being taken advantage of, then the rich person must avoid friendship with everyone, including other rich people.
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#11

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Mar 19, 2019 5:16 am

johnmason wrote:is there any difference between how you are with your family members and with friendship.


Absolutely there is a difference.

My friend I play chess with didn’t cloth me, feed me, and provide for me when I was sick or hurt for decades. We play chess. We have good conversation and enjoy a drink. That is the degree of our friendship. You don’t see the difference?

My guess is you struggle to make friends, because you are expecting they will ask you for something or that they might take advantage, or that you will feel obligated to please them for some reason. That is your problem, not their problem.

When you stop worrying about defining friendships and this entire concept of “tit for tat” or owing each other favors, it will be easier to make friends.

Follow this one rule: You owe people nothing! Nothing. Anything you decide to give is a gift to them, not something you owe them.


I don’t give a @-#$ if someone donates their kidney to you. You don’t owe them a damn thing. They decided to give it to you. Thanks, but you technically owe nothing.

Now, if you choose to reciprocate and want to give something to a person that donates a kidney to you that would be a nice gesture. I certainly would feel a heartfelt sense of gratitude and I would be inclined to help if they were in need one day. But, obligated? Hell no. Get that thinking out of your mind.

Note: I technically owe my parents nothing, even though they provided for me. Thanks mom, thanks dad. I only reciprocate because I want to, I choose to. I’m damn well not obligated, even if they are my parents.
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#12

Postby johnmason » Tue Mar 19, 2019 6:03 am

yeah i have to let go of these fear of being used..and clearly set boundaries..but at the same time i kinda disagree with u on social status thing..i think it is too idealistic ...in real life u need to see the persons family background..when making friends ..particularly applies to me..
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#13

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Mar 19, 2019 6:39 am

johnmason wrote:...i kinda disagree with u on social status thing..i think it is too idealistic ...in real life u need to see the persons family background..when making friends ..particularly applies to me..


Fair enough. You are not alone in thinking the above. It is extremely common for individuals to fear the consequences of having relationships with people outside their caste or status. The consequences can include forms of shaming, that sense of obligation, guilt, etc. It can even go so far as to incur social penalties for fraternizing with those “outside” your status or caste. At the extremes there is banishment or exclusion from one group for daring to socialize with members of another group. It can result in being disowned by your own family in some cases.

If you fear the consequences, then you are not yet ready to be a true leader. You are not yet prepared to be the hero, the shepherd, the master, the captain, the CEO of your life. You are still an apprentice, a novice, a follower of rules others create for you. This can be seen in your post. You are asking others to give you rules. You are unprepared and unwilling to make your own rules, to be your own boss. Instead, you want others to make the rules and then you decide to what extent you wish to obey.

There is nothing wrong with being an apprentice. We all are the apprentice in many facets of life. Maybe you are master of your profession, but still an apprentice regarding social aspects of life. You still are looking to conform and to please others. You still fear the consequences of violating the rules of your group. That is why you are asking for rules.

If caste is so important to you, then the rules for friendship you seek will be found inside members of your caste, your community. As you grow, as you gain wisdom then one day maybe you will get to the point where you make the rules. Maybe one day you will become master, captain of your path in life.

Heck, maybe one day you and I might be friends, even though I’m an outsider not of your status. I guess for now, you should return to your caste and get advice from them. After all, it is the rules of your caste you must obey, right? And given I’m not of your caste I might take advantage or make you feel obligated, right?
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#14

Postby johnmason » Tue Mar 19, 2019 10:03 am

could u please stop using such words such as hero , sheperd , ceo etc..it s kinda cringy..bro i dont want to be some hero or great person...i just want to be a average guy with few friends..as far as u r talking creating your own rules..do u really create your own social rules..i am asking here in this forum..because i am quite poor in the social aspect..social rules are universal..i could get an idea what is really appropriate in a social situation
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