Still not a relationship,dissapointment.

Postby Fade_Black » Tue Mar 19, 2019 11:15 am

Hello,i'm almost 32 yo and still haven't a relationship with a girl,this makes me feel so awkward,always been shy,lonely,not much talkative,not attractive and struggling with social anxiety,fear of rejection,i hate social media,issues with self confidence and low esteem.I can't control emotions. :roll:

I still can't believe how i'm still a virgin when other dudes i know had girlfriends from school years and univercity years,this is madness and sadness,also i'm overweight and that doesn't help my image and my mood.I'm completely lost,i struggle much in work enviroment as people around me see me somehow weird. :|

Lack of friendships,chronic loneliness,no much support from parents/family enviroment,lack of life experiences such as having fun with friends out,flirting/dating with women,going vacations to relax,boring at job with small salary,no motivation,no escape from nothingness,emptyness. :|
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#1

Postby Candid » Tue Mar 19, 2019 12:19 pm

I suggest you sign up for counselling to discuss your experiences with parents and family, because that's undoubtedly where this started. If you were able to talk about it, a therapist's job would be to show your your strengths and put things into perspective.
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#2

Postby Fade_Black » Wed Mar 20, 2019 12:57 am

What kind of counselling,is it for free or need payment? Dunno what counselling is.
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#3

Postby Candid » Wed Mar 20, 2019 7:33 am

It's just having regular meetings with someone who's trained to listen and understand. In the UK it's free on the NHS; elsewhere you might have to pay.
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#4

Postby Fade_Black » Wed Mar 20, 2019 8:42 pm

Any other suggestion or discussion?
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#5

Postby tokeless » Thu Mar 21, 2019 6:14 am

Fade_Black wrote:Any other suggestion or discussion?


Like what? What's wrong with the one offered?
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#6

Postby Fade_Black » Fri Mar 22, 2019 9:29 pm

tokeless wrote:Like what? What's wrong with the one offered?


Well,may i didn't realize fast the point of this forum and the unfriendly enviroment,it seems that there is nothing else to say here. :? :arrow:
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Mar 23, 2019 1:54 am

Fade_Black wrote:Any other suggestion or discussion?


Say you have the goal to run a marathon. It is a straight forward goal that most people can understand how to achieve.

You don’t start by trying to run all 26 miles. Instead, you start small, sometimes very small. You start by establishing how far you can run without stopping. Maybe it is only 400 meters.

Once you know the starting point, you slowly build. Over time you progress to 600, then 800, then 1600 meters. Eventually you are up to a 5k.

The idea of low confidence is relative. At 5k if you think about the 26 mile marathon you may experience a blow to the ego, but if asked if you could run 1k, your confidence is through the roof! Heck yea, 1k is nothing. Really? Nothing. Do you remember when you could barely run 400 meters?

The above is all about mindset and where we choose to focus. If you are constantly comparing your performance to others, if you are constantly focused on the fact you can’t yet run 26 miles, without appreciating the fact that you can run 5k, then the biggest obstacle in your life is your mindset. It is the constant negative way in which you look at what you want to accomplish verses what you have accomplished.

With relationships it is more complex. It is not as clear as running a marathon. But, the underlying principles still apply.

You start with the basics and build up to more complex abilities. You start by putting yourself in situations with the opposite sex. You join a hiking club, or take a cooking class. You make acquaintances. From there you make friends. From friends you develop potential dates, etc.

Instead of 400, 600, 800, 5k....26 miles, it becomes...

Acquaintance -> friend -> date -> girlfriend -> commitment -> marriage -> denial -> bargaining -> acceptance -> submission -> happiness
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#8

Postby tokeless » Sat Mar 23, 2019 12:45 pm

Fade_Black wrote:
tokeless wrote:Like what? What's wrong with the one offered?


Well,may i didn't realize fast the point of this forum and the unfriendly enviroment,it seems that there is nothing else to say here. :? :arrow:


Not at all but have you looked in to the suggestion of counselling or just decided it's not sounding right without doing so? Going on a public forum puts you in a position of being challenged sometimes and maybe that's what touches a nerve?
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#9

Postby JasonNobody » Sun Mar 24, 2019 10:24 am

Life doesn't owe you a relationship.
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#10

Postby Fade_Black » Sun Mar 24, 2019 5:09 pm

tokeless wrote:Not at all but have you looked in to the suggestion of counselling or just decided it's not sounding right without doing so? Going on a public forum puts you in a position of being challenged sometimes and maybe that's what touches a nerve?


Hi,when you visit a forum site,to search some answers from experienced people,who might have lived a similar situation,common depression for example and you get an answer you already know before,it's a bit dissapointing.

It's like a fat guy come to a forum and ask for some suggestions how to overcome his overwheight issues and they say to him,oh,just start a diet and go to gym for exercise,something that he already know and not expecting others to say him same thing.
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#11

Postby Fade_Black » Sun Mar 24, 2019 5:10 pm

JasonNobody wrote:Life doesn't owe you a relationship.


No point on this post i see. :roll:
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#12

Postby quietvoice » Mon Mar 25, 2019 12:16 am

Fade_Black wrote:
JasonNobody wrote:Life doesn't owe you a relationship.

No point on this post i see. :roll:

Fade_Black wrote:
Hello,i'm almost 32 yo and still haven't a relationship with a girl,this makes me feel so awkward,


always been . . .
-shy,
-lonely,
-not much talkative,
-not attractive
-struggling with social anxiety,
-fear of rejection,
-issues with self confidence
-low esteem
-can't control emotions

-I'm overweight
-my [poor self-] image
-my [low] mood
-I'm completely lost
-struggle much in work enviroment

-Lack of friendships,
-chronic loneliness,
-etc. (no much support from parents/family environment,lack of life experiences such as having fun with friends out,flirting/dating with women,going vacations to relax,boring at job with small salary,no motivation,no escape from nothingness,emptiness. )



Quite the C A T C H ! !

So, my love, if you saw this same resume from a prospective girlfriend, what would you think?

What kind of girl do you think you would attract for yourself, when you have a description of yourself as stated in your opening post?

Before asking about whether-or-why-anything regarding a girlfriend, please consider spending considerable attention and energy tending to the 'betterment of yourself.'

Now, when I speak of betterment, I don't mean that there's anything wrong with where you are at. Everyone develops according to what thoughts they have entertained in the past, and then continue, generally speaking, to follow certain thinking habits, and consequently get the same results in their life. One could at any time take a different perspective in life and change it completely!
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#13

Postby quietvoice » Mon Mar 25, 2019 1:56 am

Fade_Black wrote:It's like a fat guy come to a forum and ask for some suggestions how to overcome his overweight issues and they say to him,

"oh,just start a diet and go to gym for exercise,"

something that he already know and not expecting others to say to him same thing.

I'll tell you what.

Here's a guy who, I'm pretty sure he said about thirty years ago, was overweight—tell me how he looks to you today.

Tell me if you think that you can use him as a model to improve the conditions of your life in a positive and healthful way.

If you want, tell me any other thoughts you have about him.

Also, check out this guy; you may or may not like his style, but a whole lot about getting to "Well-ville" can be learned here.
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#14

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Mar 25, 2019 2:07 am

Fade_Black wrote:It's like a fat guy come to a forum and ask for some suggestions how to overcome his overwheight issues and they say to him,oh,just start a diet and go to gym for exercise,something that he already know and not expecting others to say him same thing.


If that is the case, then the fat guy is not only wasting his time, but is actually being counterproductive. If the fat guy already knows diet/exercise is the answer, then anytime spent in a forum is:

-1- wasted time as the fat guy has the answers already.
-2- counterproductive, because it gives the fat guy a false sense that seeking new or different information is doing something to improve his situation.

There is no magical new method or secret pill, exercise routine, or nugget of knowledge that will result in the fat guy losing weight. But, searching for it gives the fat guy a false sense that they are making progress towards their goal. It is a very common issue with people trying to lose weight or any other goal.

Applied to relationships, if the person already knows they must do X, Y, and Z to obtain a relationship, then like the fat guy they are just wasting time and delaying actually taking action as they give themselves a false sense of making progress in searching for new answers to age old problems.
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