Still not a relationship,dissapointment.

#15

Postby Candid » Mon Mar 25, 2019 7:43 am

Fade_Black wrote:It's like a fat guy come to a forum and ask for some suggestions how to overcome his overwheight issues and they say to him,oh,just start a diet and go to gym for exercise,something that he already know and not expecting others to say him same thing.


The obvious answer is obvious for a reason.

If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll get the results you've always had.

No one can tell you how to lose weight by sitting in your armchair eating junk food.

No one can tell you how to have a relationship if you're too shy to talk to people.

However, a counsellor or therapist (as recommended) can act as a paid and 'practice' friend.
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#16

Postby JasonNobody » Mon Mar 25, 2019 8:50 am

Candid wrote:
Fade_Black wrote:

However, a counsellor or therapist (as recommended) can act as a paid and 'practice' friend.


They don't work in my experience. Because it comes back to the person themselves to do something about their lives.
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#17

Postby Fade_Black » Mon Mar 25, 2019 11:36 am

Candid wrote:The obvious answer is obvious for a reason.

If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll get the results you've always had.

No one can tell you how to lose weight by sitting in your armchair eating junk food.

No one can tell you how to have a relationship if you're too shy to talk to people.

However, a counsellor or therapist (as recommended) can act as a paid and 'practice' friend.


Some people,know their issues,know what have to do to resolve them,but they stuck in first attempt or due to their insecurity if they can overcome the obstacles,so in the simple example i said above with the fat guy,he needs some encouragement,some motivation,a kick in the a$$ to take first action and when he will see the first positive result he will not give up as many do.I have tried many times to do that but for some reason always retired in the middle of the road and falling into a looping of self dissapointment.

I agree that a counselling can be helpfull for the person with issues like mine,it's something could help but may not solve the problems at all.
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#18

Postby quietvoice » Mon Mar 25, 2019 12:12 pm

Fade_Black wrote:with the fat guy,he needs some encouragement,some motivation,a kick in the a$$ to take first action and when he will see the first positive result he will not give up as many do.

I have tried many times to do that but for some reason always retired in the middle of the road and falling into a looping of self disappointment.

reply#13

I have provided two sources of inspiration. Each one views the situation differently than the general population of people views the situation. To get an understanding of where they are coming from is to form a picture in your mind that is way ahead of the knowledge of those around you; it's to understand how to properly operate your daily life, and come out feeling and looking better than you ever have.

Have you even clicked on those links?
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#19

Postby Candid » Mon Mar 25, 2019 5:49 pm

JasonNobody wrote:
Candid wrote:However, a counsellor or therapist (as recommended) can act as a paid and 'practice' friend.


They don't work in my experience. Because it comes back to the person themselves to do something about their lives.


That's true, Jason, no matter what the problem. For most people, though, a caring and impartial face-to-face guide can point out irrational thinking, inspire hope, and encourage the client to keep taking action.

The opposite of taking action is giving up. There are rare cases where this works, if only because Life then gets so much worse that the person is strongly motivated to start fighting back.

What never works is complaining, expecting someone else to fix the mess, then attacking other people for having the temerity to try.
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#20

Postby Candid » Mon Mar 25, 2019 5:52 pm

Fade_Black wrote:I agree that a counselling can be helpfull for the person with issues like mine,it's something could help but may not solve the problems at all.


So even though it could help, the risk of it not solving the problem means it isn't worth a shot?

Maybe you haven't actually got a problem.
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#21

Postby Fade_Black » Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:09 am

Candid wrote:So even though it could help, the risk of it not solving the problem means it isn't worth a shot?

Maybe you haven't actually got a problem.


It means that maybe it's not working for everyone and a chance for other type of solution,i will not force my self to do counselling if i'm not comfortable with that. :roll: But i don't understand this unfriendly,indifferent behavior over here,it's simply dissapointing. :?
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#22

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:54 am

Fade_Black wrote:...i will not force my self to do counselling if i'm not comfortable with that. :roll: But i don't understand this unfriendly,indifferent behavior over here,it's simply dissapointing. :?


You are in for a lot of missed opportunities and regret my friend. Focusing on how you are treated, or how comfortable you are, rather than on the goal you want to achieve means you will struggle to achieve much of anything in life.

Coach #1: Diet and exercise, maggot!
Coach #2: Listen to coach #1.
Coach #3: Diet and exercise,
Coach #4: Diet and exercise, please.
Coach #5: Whatever makes you comfortable, sir.

How many people have I seen fail again and again and again, because they dismiss everyone that can help them, eventually sticking with coach #5 until even they say or do something ‘disappointing’. How many people go from job to job to job, from therapist, to therapist, to therapist, because they are disappointed with how others convey the message. Sad really.

Stop making excuses and trying to blame others for “disappointing’ or being ‘unfriendly’.

The advice you have been provided in here has been solid. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you can once again move on to the next and then the next and then the next group willing to give you their time, until you find one that will placate you temporarily as they provide the exact same advice already offered to you multiple times.
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#23

Postby Fade_Black » Sun Mar 31, 2019 8:44 pm

Lock it or delete thread,i'm bored here,should try other psychology forum,sorry. :| :arrow:
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#24

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Mar 31, 2019 11:27 pm

Fade_Black wrote:...i'm bored here,should try other psychology forum,sorry.


Oh, I didn’t realize that in addition to advice about how to start striving for what you want in life, you expect to be entertained along the way.

Trying another psychology forum won’t solve your problems. You need physical intervention. A person behind a keyboard can’t do anything to help you. Stop hiding, go get help.

A good analogy to your situation is that of a hoarder. Using an online forum will do nothing for them. No matter how many people explain to the hoarder various ways to approach the issue, a person behind a keyboard can’t physically be there to work with the hoarder to start throwing stuff away.

Instead, the hoarder sits there, typing away, lashing out, and blaming those that give advice as the trash in their house continues to pile up.

It is an unfortunate limitation of online forums.

Disconnect, stay out of forums all together. Go for a walk today, hang out at a coffee shop, talk to people face to face, and find yourself a therapist.
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#25

Postby Livetowin » Mon Apr 01, 2019 12:48 pm

As a general rule, people who are combative when asking for advice, tend to be speaking from their insecurities and can't validate traditional direction because , in their minds, they have already discredited those efforts and are locked into this vicious circle of rejecting those who offer help. Its a perpetual cycle that feeds their insecurities because they use rejection (offensively) as a weapon to strengthen their lack of self. They can't see their actions as problematic because that discredits the allusion of being the victim. Remedies to most of life's problems are not complex. Doing them can be when we have to face ourselves.
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#26

Postby WardenEternal » Wed Apr 03, 2019 10:55 am

Hello, I'm almost 32 yo and still haven't a relationship with a girl,this makes me feel so awkward,always beenlonely,shy, not much talkative, not attractive and struggling with social anxiety,fear of rejection,i hate social media,issues with self confidence and low esteem. I can't control emotions.


Take baby steps. Social anxiety can be managed if not "healed". Go out, and just try to enjoy yourself. All you have to do is maybe walk down the street, listen to music on a pair of earbuds, and say hello to most if not all people that pass by. Woman, man, child. It can be scary. But a hello means almost nothing to anybody other than "Oh, maybe this person is open." Depending on the country you're from, some might be open to different things. Americans are seemingly more open to small talk rather than a quick "hello". Europeans are more into a passerby "hello" rather than small chit-chat. The average persons are just like you, shy and possibly anxious. There will be some that probably won't say hello back, but maybe they're shy? The average person isn't hostile. They aren't out to get you or to intentionally make you feel even more anxious (they don't even know you are!). So, baby steps. Emotions fluctuate, so some days will be easier than others. Maybe one day you'll feel good enough to talk up someone about something you enjoy because maybe they're browsing your favorite games at a store or something similar?

Why do you hate media? Do you feel that you aren't permitted to use it because you "aren't good enough"? People who are exponentially worse than you use it. Why can't you? If you don't hate social media for this reason, then is it because you just hate the narcissists on there? Personally, I don't like social media, either. It's a big waste of time, especially the browsing part. But there is an appeal to it. You can talk to people on it, anonymously or not. You can spread the word, create motivation outlets for some, or just talk about your feelings to others you know or don't know. Instead of staring at the people who are attractive or have a huge following and hating them for their achievement, think rather how they got there. And don't lie to yourself or make up information. They're a YouTuber like Jacksepticeye? They probably spend hours editing, days contemplating, enjoying the filming, and looking for something to do. Even the fun things require a little work. If you're lucky, the work IS the fun thing. Instagram model? Yes, being born attractive is not in your control, but everyone has intelligence of sorts. Intelligence isn't one fixed thing, there are various kinds. These Instagram models might say lots of stupid and make you wonder how they got there, but they know how to dress, they know how to apply makeup and/or stylize hair. They can pick colors, learned what people like and what visuals brains appeal to most. Not all of this is magically obtained by genetics or luck, some are developed after starting Instagram modeling, some are learned during other hobbies as a child/other times of life.

I still can't believe how I'm still a virgin when other dudes i know had girlfriends from school years and university years, this is madness and sadness, also I'm overweight and that doesn't help my image and my mood. I'm completely lost,i struggle much in work environment as people around me see me somehow weird.


You can't believe it? You're saying that other guys were in the exact boat as you are/were? Overweight, no social experience and whatnot? Or did they have different lives, different experiences? If there were like you, they did something to overcome themselves. Not in a day, not in a week. It's easy to blame yourself for something because you can't do it. It's self-sabotage. If you get angry because people tell you to stop having reasons not to do things, then there is definitely something that needs to be self-evaluated on your part. Everyone has reasons not to do certain things, usual ones would be drinking alcohol or smoke, but not everyone has reasons to not do everything. Time is irrelevant, especially the past. If you use the past as a reason why you can't do something in the present, then you will never do it in the future. Forget those guys, forget that they have what they want (or maybe they mistakes, who knows? Who cares? What matters is YOU AND YOUR DESIRES THAT NEED TO BE APPROPRIATELY ACHIEVED). Comparing an orange to an apple, and then calling the orange a failure because it's not an apple, is plain stupidity. The orange, you, have certain characters of it's own, with purposes different from the apple's. Almost everybody wants a relationship, like most fruits eventually get eaten, but you need to be ripe first. Grow yourself.

Lack of friendships,chronic loneliness,no much support from parents/family enviroment,lack of life experiences such as having fun with friends out,flirting/dating with women,going vacations to relax,boring at job with small salary,no motivation,no escape from nothingness,emptyness.


The easiest place to start for support is the internet. And you're here. Maybe not in the right place per your replies to others, but browse around and you'll find someone willing to support you. Discord for example has many communities you can join. Flirting with women is a lofty goal, one you will definitely not get to from level 0. Communication is a human thing, so flirting could come natural once your confidence is high enough. Others have explained already, and many more via research, explained how to get to your goals. So just set aside your desire for a relationship. You want it now, but realize your brain wants EVERYTHING NOW. You're never too old or too young to start something. The only time it's too late is when you're dead.

There is always an escape. Sometimes even the nothingness is an escape, just sitting there, thinking about how terrible you are. Play games, find shows to watch, get into anime perhaps or a niche sport like bow shooting. Take on writing, drawing, digital art, making reviews, uploading progress videos to YouTube for others to relate to you. There will be people who will hate you, but remember, they're probably in the same spot that you are. And those people at work who see you as weird? It's just because you aren't like them. If something is different, of course it's unusual. That in itself is not a bad thing. You can still be a shy/quiet guy with confidence. People are naturally scared of things they don't know or understand. Once you can communicate with people about the way you are, it might just alleviate some of the pressure.

From the replies I'm getting, you're seeking comfort, maybe even have people tell you that it's okay the way you are. Honestly, it comes down to your OWN opinion. If you are okay with the way you are, then everything is fine. However you aren't. What your conscious mind wants is to be appealing, lose weight and be confident. What you don't realize is that your brain is fighting you on this, and it's seeping into your conscious mind, making you want to hang on to the way you are, and say that the world should bend around you. The brain itself doesn't care about you. The brain just wants to indulge itself, and self-loathing is another one of these self-indulging things, believe it or not. Saying that you are bad in being in a bad state is an easy way out for your brain to say that you're right, and then it boosts it's egotistical indulgence. You need to fight this. You won't have motivation most of the time, that's why you need to create it. All you need are the tools - your body, knowledge, and an idea. Make a simple goal, and stick to it. During the first days, you WILL feel lazy and disinterested. You brain will want to go back to the lackluster, effortless boost that was going on. The ball needs to start rolling if it's going to get anywhere. Your life won't drastically improve by one simple task, but it will feel damn good at least trying to get something accomplished like a chapter of a story written, having general conversation online or saying "hello". Your brain will try to blanket these with anxiety or "What-ifs". Just forget them, and ignore them, and give yourself a pat on the back.

I've thrown out many ideas towards you to think about and manipulate in your mind for your own benefits, relevant or not, positive or negative. It's up to you on how you want to use it. You already know what you need to do. You might also know what you could already do.

My message has many errors and topic run-offs (or segments in inappropriate paragraphs), but I hope some of it will be helpful to someone. It's not professionally done, but sometimes amateur solutions work. I would assume, having dealt with complex issues solved by simplicity.
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#27

Postby &+?=! » Sun Apr 07, 2019 2:02 am

WardenEternal wrote:All you have to do is maybe walk down the street, listen to music on a pair of earbuds, and say hello to most if not all people that pass by. Woman, man, child. It can be scary. But a hello means almost nothing to anybody other than "Oh, maybe this person is open."
That's a lovely place that you live, and I know places in my country like that to. But mostly I think here in UK it would be interpreted as "oh, maybe this person is weird", especially when all the other vibes being given off aren't 'open'. And especially a 30yo male stranger saying hello to children. That would be more like "oh, maybe this person is a ****".
I doubt whether the OP will return to respond to your post, so I just wanted to drop you a line as you wrote a lot to him and I read it and appreciated its spirit and advice.
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#28

Postby WardenEternal » Tue Apr 09, 2019 6:12 am

But mostly I think here in UK it would be interpreted as "oh, maybe this person is weird", especially when all the other vibes being given off aren't 'open'. And especially a 30yo male stranger saying hello to children. That would be more like "oh, maybe this person is a ****".

That's a bummer. I can understand that though, especially since it's the same with Americans. A random "hello" doesn't come across too well, however, starting small conversation about the item in their hand is usually a good starter.

I doubt whether the OP will return to respond to your post, so I just wanted to drop you a line as you wrote a lot to him and I read it and appreciated its spirit and advice.

That's nice of you, thank you ^-^
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#29

Postby HelpCoachig » Mon Apr 29, 2019 5:03 pm

I think it is so important that you know deep down where to start, you know that by talking to someone or seeking therapy or counseling, it will be uncomfortable, but that point exactly is where wonderful things will happen to you, you need to change your perspective, changing your perspective it will change your life for the better, only you can be the starter for this, for your better life, for that better job, for that healthy lifestyle, to meet wonderful people, you know already what you don't like, how about making a list of what you ACTUALLY like and want from life? DO IT, so that you know what to do next in order to get there.
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