dynomite alarm clock

Postby rewriting » Sat Mar 23, 2019 9:25 pm

Hi all,
I'm new here. Have been studying anger management for about a year off and on. Not getting the results I need. I feel really out of control.
I have a history of anger since about age 12. Adopted at birth and was mad at myself and the world for a long time about it. I'm 27 now. My girlfriend and I have been yelling at each other for most of the past year and I've started breaking things... A lot. We've pushed each other around in our fights though I've been tempering that urge lately as I'm really doing anything I can to get better. I was also hitting walls and the dash of our car when mad, and I have chronic illness due to long term mold exposure so even though I put holes in things, my hand breaks more every time. I'm starting to notice the shape of my hand has changed and my knuckles bend differently.
Self preservation is always important but I'm mainly concerned about the effect I'm having on my partner. She and I have similar histories of abuse trauma growing up. I have been trying to help her with her own struggles with depression and anxiety and I think my rage is making her mental health even worse.
It's been a hard year for us both, on top of our dynamic we have had health issues throughout, major injuries, have lost friends to overdose and had to move all over the state looking for work and a decent place to live. The solutions were working towards right now are therapy, couples counseling, and hypnosis.
We love each other a lot, but we're both afraid of the violence escalating any further. I need some more direct support people in my life who get it and I'm reaching out here hoping to find some like minds with skills to help me save myself and my partnership. For now were setting ourselves up to be on retreat at home, lots of space and meeting all our own needs until we both feel a bit more grounded. I have all the time in the world to chat with anyone who is open, and I'd love to reciprocate and hear what others have going on.
Please feel free to share any feedback or ideas, I'm wide open.
Thank you
Kai
rewriting
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#1

Postby Leo Volont » Tue Mar 26, 2019 8:20 am

rewriting wrote:Hi all,
I'm new here. Have been studying anger management for about a year off and on. Not getting the results I need. I feel really out of control.
I have a history of anger since about age 12. Adopted at birth and was mad at myself and the world for a long time about it. I'm 27 now. My girlfriend and I have been yelling at each other for most of the past year and I've started breaking things... A lot. We've pushed each other around in our fights though I've been tempering that urge lately as I'm really doing anything I can to get better. I was also hitting walls and the dash of our car when mad, and I have chronic illness due to long term mold exposure so even though I put holes in things, my hand breaks more every time. I'm starting to notice the shape of my hand has changed and my knuckles bend differently.
Self preservation is always important but I'm mainly concerned about the effect I'm having on my partner. She and I have similar histories of abuse trauma growing up. I have been trying to help her with her own struggles with depression and anxiety and I think my rage is making her mental health even worse.
It's been a hard year for us both, on top of our dynamic we have had health issues throughout, major injuries, have lost friends to overdose and had to move all over the state looking for work and a decent place to live. The solutions were working towards right now are therapy, couples counseling, and hypnosis.
We love each other a lot, but we're both afraid of the violence escalating any further. I need some more direct support people in my life who get it and I'm reaching out here hoping to find some like minds with skills to help me save myself and my partnership. For now were setting ourselves up to be on retreat at home, lots of space and meeting all our own needs until we both feel a bit more grounded. I have all the time in the world to chat with anyone who is open, and I'd love to reciprocate and hear what others have going on.
Please feel free to share any feedback or ideas, I'm wide open.
Thank you
Kai

Hi Rewriting (Kai),

Sorry I took so long to see your post (I wish I could find the menu to alert me about New Posts). So, you have been studying Anger Management for a year now. Are you familiar with the works of Ronald Efron-Potter, a PhD who has written a number of popular books on Anger Management topics as well as a Textbook. But, here is a trick that you won’t see in print, but may have been implied in the Efron-Potter’s book “the Angry Brain”. You know how there is a hormone, Cortisol, that is produced inside of the Brain, by the amygdala I believe, which fires up the entire endocrine system to get the body in full Fight of Flight mode. Well, Potter cited the problem here for Anger Management, in that the Amygdala is found to start pumping Cortisol up to a few seconds before the Brains Higher Function in the Cerebral Cortex are even aware of a Trigger (if you find yourself asking yourself “Did she just insult me?”… well, you’re Amygdala already ‘answered’ before you had time to ask the question). We can see the problem here in that we are already Physiologically ‘Angry’ before our Thinking Brain has a chance to deal with it. Also, the Fight and Flight Reaction diverts mental resources away from the Higher Functions and focusses on the Cerebellum and all the essential Run Like Heck or Kill or Be Killed kinetic circuits. You have experience this as experiencing yourself being in a Rage but not seeming to have any control over yourself. You don’t. Anyway, what I have found is THAT THE FIRST SIGN OF A CORTISOL RUSH IS A TIGHTENING OF THE JAW, OR A CLENCHING OF THE TEETH. If you can catch that initial reflexive clenching, and RELAX it as that exact moment, THEN you will Shut Down the Cortisol Rush. Really. You can practice by picking up a pin or a needle in the right hand and going to stab our left hand… for most people if you contemplate going “ 1 2 3 Stab “ then on about 3.8 you will feel the Cortisol locking your jaw – RELAX go “Whoooo That was Close” and breath through your mouth. One of our members wrote in and said she found this Insight very effective and told me that as long as she can Keep Her Mouth Open and breath through her mouth, she won’t Blow Up. This Practice should put a stop to the Wall Punching. Oh! And never Cuss! I believe that Cussing and Swearing may mask the Jaw Tightening. You know, when you let out a loud expletive, aren’t you admitting, or I suspect INITIATING a Cortisol Trigger. Try it for a while. Not cussing helps you stay calm. It is not that you are Calm because you do not cuss. It is that by not cussing you remain Calm. Cussing is like breaking the damn. Cussing is like throwing the torch atop a grass hut. Plus it is great practice. It will give you something tangible to work on.

Oh, but if you are chronically under stress (do you grind your teeth? Do you have that Jaw Pain affliction TMJ?), then you’re Amygdala may be ‘leaky’ as though it is always a little bit turned on. If this is the case, you REALLY need to NOT let it go full bore Triggered. To get back to normal, well, you have to BE normal. Oh, another member pointed out that her Jaw tightens up when she is showing physical affection. I have six cats, and after she pointed that out, I realized that my jaw will tighten up when a cat jumps up and turns into a real little snuggle bug. Well, then too. Cortisol Good or Cortisol Bad is still Cortisol, and you need to let the Amygdala know that It is on Vacation.

I’m really glad that you have been studying. Oh, then why are you still being triggered. What books have you been reading? The basis for all the really good anger management books is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The idea there is that most of our Angry Behavior arises because of Conditioned Triggers. So we need to observe our Behaviors, and any time we notice a Behavior that has negative consequences for us, well, we should aske ourselves “ Well, why the phuque did I just do that?” If you can identify the Trigger, then work with it by Rehearsing a more positive Response. For instance, if when somebody says “Phuque You!” and you are triggered into responding “Oh Yeah! Well Phuque you too”, then you need to rehearse something like “Excuse me!?” I was able to totally recondition myself for driving. A lot of angry people are angry drivers and get triggered over everything, but now, instead of cursing or hitting the horn, I do a full Situational Awareness 360 Degree Safety Scan, and in the second or two it takes to do that, the moment has passed.

Oh! I noticed something else. The Less You Say The Better. Whenever you get into a dramatic discussion, which may only be borderline angry, well, the mind returns to it with all those “I should have said this and that’s”. Yeah, that does show that there had been some Cortisol Release (the aftermath of a cortisol rush is that your mind is preoccupied with the situation – the angry episode, or, if the Cortisol was Triggered for a Valid Survival Reason, then you keep re-living being chased by the bear.) Anyway, I have found that Silence is Golden. If you engage with dialogue, then for the next 6 hours you will be replaying the tape over and over again. But, even if you ARE insulted, offended and humiliated, if you simply do not react dramatically, and just let it go, THEN, well, the situation will just seem to evaporate. You don’t have to take the bait.

Oh, but more on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In regards to getting triggered, some of us pre-dispose ourselves to be triggered by engaging in a negative train of Internal Dialogue – people are silently grumbling and complaining about everything. SO, not only do we have to Observe and Review our Behaviors, but we need to monitor our Internal Dialogue. Yes, that has been Conditioned too. Our thinking is mostly Habitual. SO, the books tell us to Engage in Dispute. The Internal Dialogue can have Two Voices. You need to learn that you can Answer Yourself. People say that we need to be “True to ourselves”…. “Just be yourself”. Well, after Cognitive Behavioral Training, one says to that “Who’s that?” By re-directing our Conditioning and re-establishing new Mental Habits and a more positive Internal Dialogue, we can change who we are.

Oh, Kai, forgive me for not proofreading this mess. I have a test tomorrow (I’m an Old Man studying for a second degree). I’ve written a lot of Posts in response to angry people on this Forum. Go down the line and read some of these Threads, and you will get a good idea. But, this is a good one (if I had time to edit it) because I was able to assume you already knew enough to follow what I’m saying. Good Luck. Let us know how it’s going.
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#2

Postby James_Lee » Fri May 17, 2019 2:50 am

What kind of anger management are you studying?
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#3

Postby Leo Volont » Fri May 17, 2019 11:08 am

James_Lee wrote:What kind of anger management are you studying?


Hi James, to whom are you speaking?
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