Pregnant wife and possibly an end to our marriage

Postby JamesDF » Mon Mar 25, 2019 2:22 am

To start, my wife and I have been together for nearly 8 years and married for the past 2.5 years. Our relationship has had ups and downs, lately the downs have been more prevalent that the ups. Our son was stillborn in July and we have not recovered from that.

Our relationship has taken a significant toll due to the child loss and in January i told her that we should end our marriage and that the resentment was too much. She had left a job to move to be with me and resents me and my career for not doing the same. She asked me to stay and promised that things would change, they have not.

We again find ourselves expecting another child and it pains me to say; but i don't know if our marriage is strong enough to endure raising a child together. That's not to say i will not be an active participant in the child's life, but I don't think it is conducive to bring a child into a marriage that has so much animosity and resentment.

She hates my job and how much I make, so I had applied and am nearing a start date with another agency that pays better and is in an area where her job has more opportunity. Unfortunately, the hiring process for my line of work is lengthy and hard to come by.

The same fight that always happens happened again, she resents being in the town we are because her career is more important than what I make and continues to tell me to grow up and get a better job. Berating how much I make and that I should bring in more. She has since left her job due to pregnancy complications and is considered a higher risk pregnancy and is now asking me to make more, which i will upon my transfer to the new agency.

I am already working 60+ hours a week to make up for her spending and now unemployment and am still hearing it is not enough and being compared to her rich friends that have husbands in real estate development.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I do love her, but I hate myself for how our relationship has become so negative. I do not want to bring a child into this environment, but I do not want to miss out on being a good father because our marriage isn't working.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Mar 25, 2019 3:10 am

Have you tried a written relationship contract?

One reason to start with the above is that if you go the route of a divorce and joint custody, then the legal system will be enforcing a contract irregardless of what you do or don’t want.

From what you posted there seems to be a few intractable issues, i.e. “no win” situations. These need to be put on paper and some sort of compromise formally agreed upon. Again, if you two can’t do it on your own, the legal system will indirectly resolve the issues when the relationship dissolves.

For instance, where you both are willing to live seems to be a major issue. This seems to be complicated further by financial considerations. Regardless, you need to figure out what you both can agree to and write it down. Don’t leave it vague.

In the contract I would write down my annualized salary at 40 hours per week. That is what she can expect currently. If that is not good enough, tough, that is the current reality. When I say tough, it isn’t meant to dictate, but simply accept that it is the truism of the current state of affairs. It is the adage that you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip, no matter how bad you wish it should be different. It doesn’t matter what other husbands make or what potential exists, all that matters is the reality of what is. Writing it down can help get both of you to acknowledge the actual verses the desired situation.

Location and finances seem to be the big two, but you can put any number of things in a relationship contract. You can include expectations regarding responsibilities, intimacy, etc. The contract is signed and then you move forward. As the relationship encounters new issues you revisit and update the contract as needed.

Good luck.
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