immense guilt

Postby yungsmonch » Fri Mar 29, 2019 4:58 am

hello, i’m an 18 year old girl from the united states. i have suffered from depression and anxiety since i was very young.

right now i am really struggling with guilt and shame due to terrible things i have done in the past that i regret. i feel like i’m a bad person. i feel it is necessary to share the things i’ve done.

i’ve stolen hundreds of dollars from my mother to fund my drug addiction. i’ve said horrible things to people during arguments, including “go kill yourself” and the like. i’ve been on a child p*rn webiste on the deep web. i did this in order to test whether or not i am a pedophile, which i am most likely not considering i don’t fantasize about children, and females usually aren’t pedophiles. i was disgusted with what i saw on the site. i have masturbated while on a skype call with my ex girlfriend (i’m a lesbian) without her knowledge and later told her about what i had done. i also sent her sexual pictures without her consent. i’ve started arguments with people i love just for the fun of it. i’ve used homophobic slurs against my gay friends despite the fact that i am gay myself. i almost said something very vile to my friend that had been raped when she was young. i almost said to her, “i think it’s hot that you got raped” even though i don’t think that at all. i think rape is disgusting and inexcusable, so why that thought came to my head is a mystery. i never said this to her though, i stopped myself.

these are just some of the worst things that i’ve done. although i care about the people who love me, i still lack a certain amount of empathy and i am somewhat desensitized to the pain of others. it is hard for me to process. i don’t know why this is. i’ve had horrible thoughts in my head with themes of abuse, rape, gore, and murder. i can’t really tell if these thoughts are intrusive or not.

i guess i’m just sharing this to see what all of you think of me. my family, friends, and counselor all say that i am a good hearted, talented, smart, and emotional person but i feel as though i am evil. am i a bad person for what i’ve done, despite my efforts to ammend and apologize?
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Mar 29, 2019 7:18 am

Consider:

-1- “Bad” people do not feel guilt, shame, or remorse. They are incapable of writing a post entitled ‘immense guilt’. Bad people, specifically psychopaths and/or sociopaths, are “bad,” because there is a mental issue that keeps the part of the brain that regulates guilt, remorse, shame, or regret from triggering. These are people that we lock away not as punishment, but because they are mentally incompetent, incapable of understanding why what they did was wrong.

That is not you.

-2- Bad behavior is something we all deal with. A child isn’t “bad” and you are not “bad,” but sometimes all of us do bad things. This triggers negative feelings, and this helps us improve or make better decisions in the future. You have done a few things that are mildly bad behavior and you feel guilty. That doesn’t make you bad, quite the opposite. It means you recognize and can work towards improving in the future.

-3- Your bad behavior is NOTHING thus far. You are young, so you believe stealing a few hundred bucks and doing drugs is bad. Okay, fair enough. It’s probably not the best decisions you have made. You think looking at some porn, masturbating, and having bad thoughts is a problem. Fair enough. You could work towards being a bit nicer.

But evil? You have no idea what evil is. I have watched people be murdered. I have dealt with grieving families that have lost a loved one because of evil. You have not even scratched the surface of evil.

My advice is to consider the above 3 points, forgive yourself, and move forward in life. Each day, endeavor to make better decisions than you did yesterday. Use the guilt, use the regret to help you learn, to help you navigate life. You are not a bad person, you are not even scratching the surface of evil, so stop with those thoughts and get on with life.
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