Misanthropy has ruined my life.

Postby Dzartovian94 » Mon Apr 08, 2019 10:29 am

I'm currently in my mid-20s and I believe that my hatred for humanity has ruined my life so far, despite the fact that I love that I hate people. All my life, I've been told that I don't fit, that I think I am superior to others and that I'm not good enough. Frankly, I have have had enough.

I was born sick and I've been through two cancers before I was 10 years old, survived high school and university while dealing with absolute morons who got to be "happy" and enjoy their youth. Do you know what I was trying to do during that time? Staying alive and dealing with the fact that I was not only a social outcast but that I hate a deep-seated hatred with school, work, even public transport due to my abnormal dislike of human beings.

University was hell, my naive self actually believed that I would meet like-minded people and I would actually begin to "live' my life. Instead, I got four years of dealing with bs, with people I hate, a panic disorder, diabetes, sleep apnea and to top it all off, a sh** GPA which has ruined my job prospects. The only way to solve this problem is to go back to uni and accrue more debt, I would much prefer to have cancer for the third time then do "that" again.

Finding work was an ordeal, 14 months of interviews at organisations I didn't want to work at, being judged by people who have no right to tell me what I can and can't do. I've been insulted based on my appearance and intelligence despite my effort to be pleasant and reserved, which just leaves me even more misanthropic, what have I done to deserve this treatment?

Despite my best efforts to show I have improved, it isn't enough. One particular job I applied for, that I actually wanted, I made sure I was the best person for that job. I destroyed the testing, got a 99% percentile score on the IQ testing, studied weeks for my interview and after a 7-month interview process, got rejected after the final interview because I didn't fit the organisation. At this point, why should I even bother anymore, why learn new skills or try to network when I can just be dismissed due to a subjective reason?
Rejection is normal, I get that, but can't I catch a break?

I finally got a job in October last year and I hate it. I can't stand the industry, the people behave like children and my employer/boss is incompetent. The work is so menial that it leaves me so frustrated that during every weekend, I have a breakdown. My work leaves me psychologically drained, to the point where I have abandoned all my hobbies, they don't satisfy me anymore. Why earn money when I can't do anything with it. The worse thing is, I didn't get the job because I was capable, but because my manager needed a scapegoat to push the role onto so he could quit. All my life, I just get the scraps. I would rather work with clones of myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a judgmental a**hole and I've made mistakes. In my youth, I was unfocused and lazy, anti-social and dogmatic but I can't go back and change that now. I've been told all my life that I need to change and I wear a proverbial mask almost every day because I refuse to change for others who have never and would never change for me.

So what do I do? I'm stuck and I don't see a way out. I don't believe in suicide, as what was the point of surviving cancer twice if I am going to kill myself anyway? But I don't see a way out of my current situation, and every week that goes by a get a little less hopeful and a little more misanthropic.

A little more about me:

I am an INTJ if that means anything.

I am someone with a melancholic temperament, hyper objective and extremely realistic. I'm a very traditional, conservative person (not religious but I do study theology).

My interests: Geopolitics, Philosophy (Political and Moral), Psychology, Economics, Business, History. Technology, Law, Philosophy.
Dzartovian94
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Postby Livetowin » Mon Apr 08, 2019 1:34 pm

You don't hate people, you hate yourself, and covet that by projecting it unto others. Having cancer at a young age is a terrible thing to have happen to you. But clearly the gains of science and the good will of those in the medical field, brought you through this. The fact you wanted to label everyone without cancer a "moron" simply tells me you hated the fact you were NOT them who were spared this process. Wanting to be in another set of circumstances is natural. Wanting to translate it as a personal attack by society is a prison you built for yourself.

That also goes for your performance in school. If you under-performed, then own the fact you did not do the necessary work to get the grades you wanted. Your thinking is also skewed on this job interview. You do not set the standard for who gets a job, the company does. So its impossible for you to know who is the best candidate since you are not on the management team or possess their experience to see what has (and has not) worked in past candidates.

You're coping mechanism is pretty clear here - "I'm not responsible because I was dealt a bad hand in this life." There are people who have afflictions their entire life who have to work harder to get ahead. They accept the position life has given them and move forward. Your affliction unfortunately is your perspective. You feel cheated because you're angry and it's easier to blame other people than to own it for yourself.

Let me tell you something - there are people every day that face a crisis. And I don't know a person out there who has not felt robbed from not getting a job or working hard for something and having a door closed in their face. Most successful people will tell you that is the most common experience in their life. The difference between them and allot of people is they don't let those moments DEFINE them. They dust themselves off and try again.

And remember this as well - Mother Nature is smarter than you. I had someone close to me that complained their entire life. I mean their WHOLE LIFE. It was always someone else's fault. It was the "burden" of a bad experience that caused them to screw up other matters in their life. The world was one big conspiracy against them. They always had a villain to point to for why they never got ahead. They eventually parked it with the attitude, " I'm just waiting to die."

He didn't take care of himself and what he didn't know was Life was actually listening and collecting a debt on him. And one day it came to collect. His bluff was called. He died at 59. His message in life was same at 59 as it was at 39, 29, and 19. And what did his complaint get him? Nothing. He had all kinds of potential but always cut himself off when things started to turn the corner because his attitude would get in the way and sabotage every good thing that came his way.

Is this what you want? If you don't believe in suicide then why are you killing yourself? What this guy did was a slow suicide and it finally came. He just fabricated the blame onto everyone else to walk through life a victim. He got exactly what he earned. Were people sitting around at his memorial sharing his attitude? No. They felt bad that he could never see in himself the potential to be something. So his vision came true. He's composed of ashes fertilizing a hillside where he use to lay back and reflect on how the world was screwing him. How do you think that's working for him?

Every syllable of your complaint resonates with me, because I heard the same rant for DECADES. I know it better than you do yourself. Who was this person so close to me? It was my older brother. And he would tell me the SAME stories every time. As he got older he would just embellish the personal damage even more.

Listen...I'm very sorry you had cancer at a young age. I have no doubt that was a sh*t show for you when you would have rather been playing and just being a kid with dreams. It's not like that doesn't count because it does. But our pain can shape us into stronger people or they can be the hole we dig for ourselves our entire life. You need to quit hating people because no one did this to you. You need to quit investing in your past and make peace with it so you can move forward. Dust yourself off and get back on the horse. Just remember there is a score board to this life and its keeping count. Most things in life you do not control. What you DO control is yourself. Think better of yourself and those around you. If you make mistakes OWN them. When you do a good job at something OWN those too even if the end result is not what you wanted. Life will always throw curve balls. You just have to decide if you're going to keep swinging.
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