Can't stop beating myself up during job search

Postby Magnolia_April » Wed Apr 10, 2019 9:28 pm

Hi

I have been sending out around 10 applications in the last 3 weeks of my job hunt. I was invited only to one interview until now, for which I did prepare like 1 week but probably it was for nothing. I have been studied real hard and graduated with distinction, and I was hoping that it would not be so hard for me getting a job (I studied business), however, the reality is quite the opposite. So, after the first interview went wrong, I came home and felt so disappointed about myself and had a panic attack 3 days afterwards. Then I picked myself up, continued to apply and as I was on LinkedIn improving my profile, I stumbled across some of my friends' profiles, which were like 10 times better than mine because they had experience in big companies, and there I started to feel bad again and begun with hours of negative self talk.

10 years ago I came to Europe to study. I hoped that I could have a better future, ear better money to help my poor family back home. I borrowed money from friends to be able to get a visa and was financially independent from my family only a few months after arrival. I was not allowed to work as a foreign student and had to study in German, which I started just one year before beginning with my Bachelor degree. I took me real long to finish it (7 years), as I always had to work real hard as a waitress beside my studies - of course more than I was legally allowed to. Instead of feeling proud of how far I have come, I was always ashamed of the fact that I studied so long. I tried to apply for big companies but they all turned me down due to my working paper and I guess, probably because I am not a German native speaker. I then continued with my Master, and thanks to my improved German, I could finish it quickly and with very good results. However, when I compare myself with my peers, I feel like I am nothing and have got nothing to prove. Deep inside I know that I am an ambitious and smart person, I used to be always among the best of my peers when I was in my home country. But here in Europe, I fall far behind native students who have support from their family, know the language and have connections. Despite my achievement, I am so ashamed of myself because I am not as good as my friends in my home country, who - although did not go abroad - have already gone to work and earned so much money and gained experience, while I, who used to be so proud of my decision to go abroad, am now behind them in so many ways.

It was clear to me since years that I don't have a normal life path like most of my peers - which will be ,like, graduation at 22 and find a job and then have a family and so on. I am now 30 and have just finished my studies, the only experience I had was from gastronomy, I am too old to come back to my home country where most people start working at 22 and also not good enough comparing with my peers here in Europe. These feelings of shame never leave me, I could try my best to achieve many things, but I never feel that I am good enough. I want to stop this negative self talk, it is always there and I cannot get rid of it. My friends here always told me how great I am, and that I should be proud of how far I have come, but I never believe in them and never believe that there is someone out there who will choose me to work for their company, because there are so many qualified people out there. I know I have many good qualifications, but it seems like nobody really care about that (I suppose). These thoughts and feelings are extremely toxic, but I cannot find a way to prove them wrong. Please, I really need some help to start a new beginning, I don't want to feel like this forever, because this is too much resistance and I can't seem to let things flow.

Sorry for the long post and I really hope for some piece of helpful advice.
Cheers
M
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#1

Postby Candid » Wed Apr 10, 2019 10:18 pm

You sound pretty wonderful to me!

Have you considered working as an interpreter for a while? Or teaching English to German students?
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#2

Postby Magnolia_April » Wed Apr 10, 2019 10:45 pm

Dear Cadid,

thank you for your nice reply, I hope my future employer will think like you as well ^_^. Well, I do not have a proper education to work as an interpreter, although I used to corporate with the embassy of my country some years ago to help them during meetings. I also teach children of the embassadors German and help them with school work, something that I very much enjoy, but I don't have a proper education for that either. And the German students are sooo good with their English, considering that I am not from a native English speaker, I won't stand a chance. You know, the thing is I am in the DACH region (Germany, Austria and Switzerland), and people from here are so smart and hardworking that I can't keep up with them, even though I try 10 times harder and give up on so many things in my life. That might explain the inferior feelings :(
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#3

Postby Candid » Wed Apr 10, 2019 10:47 pm

Would you need further education to do interpreting/language teaching for private clients?
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#4

Postby Candid » Wed Apr 10, 2019 11:57 pm

Thinking a bit more about this, going into business for yourself might be a bit daunting.

For a while I lived in a foreign land where I didn't know anyone and didn't speak the language. I taught yoga there. I've practised yoga for about 50 years but I wasn't qualified to teach it. I took up public speaking, which wasn't paying work but a way to get to meet people. I did other odd jobs, the worst of which was overnight shifts in nursing homes. Somehow I survived, and by the time I left I'd made a few friends.

You haven't mentioned friends where you're living, and I'm wondering whether you've become socially isolated. Making contacts is the best way to find work.

You're a woman with loads of talents, and it took a lot of courage to do the things you've done. You really can't give up now!
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