Feeling like my whole existence is a joke... a loser

Postby DavidC » Sun Apr 21, 2019 9:56 pm

My ex wife, the woman I loved and mother of my child, left me a couple of years back, for another man.

I always feel an inferiority to him when I think of him. He’s 9 years my senior, taller, has hair (I don’t), tattoos, two sons and a daughter... always seems confident...

In time, I was able to at least somewhat come to terms with myself and the situation. However, something has happened recently that is really killing me.

This man opened up a restaurant, where my ex is working now, and the restaurant is booming. In just a short matter of time, it’s gained excellent online reviews, and I just dropped my daughter off there today, and it was packed...

I feel like such a loser in comparison. I had an online business (wimpy version of a business compared to what he’s done), and it went under a couple years back, shortly before the divorce. The stress definitely lead to issues in the breakup. I now work for someone else.

Taking the whole situation into consideration, the man who took my wife, and who my daughter is around all the time, has been able to set up a business that is just taking off... the opposite of what happened with mine.

He’s the winner, I’m the loser........

Help me see this in a better light please....
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#1

Postby Candid » Mon Apr 22, 2019 8:18 am

I'm sorry for your troubles, David, but continuing to compare yourself to this other man is the guts of it. He may have a better business head (or he may just have got lucky) but YOU are the unrivalled expert on being YOU, and it's time to remember that or you'll be just another embittered wannabe.

You know your daughter better than he does, and you love her more than he ever will, so concentrate on being the good father you've always been. In time you'll recover your sense of self and find the things only you can do.

I wish you all the best.
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#2

Postby laureat » Mon Apr 22, 2019 12:15 pm

dont try to prove these guys tht you are better

if she has abandon you, if she thinks you are not worthy, let them think/believe that is what it is, dont fight it

even if you have no money on the wallet, dont fight it,


your reason to success should not be these guys, you should not bother about them even if you are homeless

your reason to success should be your own reasons nothing about these guys

do what you want to do, be what you want to be,

you dont need them to be inferior so you could finally feel proud who you are, let them be superior as much as they possible can and still dont give a sht about it,
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#3

Postby Livetowin » Mon Apr 22, 2019 12:45 pm

I think the first matter you need to alleviate yourself of is this idea the "other man" took your wife. He didn't take her, she agreed to go. Life is not a perfect race and if your ex-wife is predicated on running to the next best thing when times get tough, then she was never a good partner to start.

And lets not get lost on the confidence issue here either. When times are tough, confidence levels will be low. That's why you need your partner to help pick you up. With her out of the picture, you can now focus on rebuilding yourself and your life with your child. Quit chasing after someone else's dream and live your own. I would not want to run my own restaurant. That is HARD work and asks much of those who own it. What is popular today is one bad write up from being tomorrow's building for sale.

But that is what they signed up for, so let them worry about it, whether they flourish or flounder. You have better things to do like get your own backyard in order. Move on and build yourself a new set of dreams so you and your child can share in your happiness. Time to get out from under that shadow and stand in the bright light of your own future. I wish you all the best!
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#4

Postby DavidC » Sun Apr 28, 2019 8:19 pm

Thank you very much guys. Your kind words, insights and encouragements are greatly helping. I’ve gone back and re-read them several times.

Dropped her off again at the restaurant today, and it was hard, but not as hard as last time... still... had a couple “angry at God” moments driving out... a tear or two fell on the expressway... don’t know if I’ll ever get over this.

One of the things I struggle with is part of me doesn’t want the business to do well... and I feel terrible that I feel that... the ugly, envious dark side of me. Feel like he took a ballsy move, did it right, and it paid off... something I feel I’m not cut out for. I continue to compare and and feel inferior. Like he’s the better man...

Don’t know how to stop comparing like this...

Then part of me feels terrible for wishing this, and doesn’t want him to go through that....

Still struggling...
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#5

Postby demonbluess » Tue Apr 30, 2019 1:12 am

Hey man, you be you! You're already showing the self awareness necessary for assessing and conquering this. You said it yourself that you know it's cruddy to wish this guy's business harm. That's the biggest step, and you've already taken it! Big props.

Healing takes time and everyone goes through it differently. Be patient with yourself. Set small goals and take it one day at a time. Do your best to be a good dad. In the end all we can do is our best.

Life is short. Love yourself every day. Don't let your ex tarnish those opportunities. You've got to make it your number one priority.

Wishing you good vibes.
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#6

Postby DavidC » Tue Apr 30, 2019 1:29 am

Thank you Demonbluess
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#7

Postby Livetowin » Tue Apr 30, 2019 2:09 pm

DavidC wrote:Dropped her off again at the restaurant today, and it was hard, but not as hard as last time... still... had a couple “angry at God” moments driving out... a tear or two fell on the expressway... don’t know if I’ll ever get over this.


Time will take care of that and not much else. You hurt because you cared. If you weren't hurting then you would have lost the caring a long time ago. But caring doesn't mean you keep kicking a dead horse. She actually did you a favor by leaving because she revealed her intentions and gave you a fresh lease on life.

DavidC wrote:One of the things I struggle with is part of me doesn’t want the business to do well... and I feel terrible that I feel that... the ugly, envious dark side of me. Feel like he took a ballsy move, did it right, and it paid off... something I feel I’m not cut out for. I continue to compare and and feel inferior. Like he’s the better man...


You need to drop the "better man" feelings because in effect what you're saying is, " I don't like being me." And you need to be careful about that because you have a child that needs you, so your self worth is very important. Quit acting like you need to compete with this guy. You're only competing with yourself and in that contest you always finish last.

You should focus on your daughter and make your life about you and her. You have allot to live for. The more energy and time you spend being distracted on something NOT in your life, takes away opportunity you have to make yours better. Focus on looking straight ahead and think about the things you can do to build your world. One day your daughter will come to you and tell you how she felt during this crisis. They feel it allot more than we do.

Your confidence and smiles will do wonders to comfort her during this difficult time. Reassure her that your world is a tremendous place to be and meaning will fill in all around you...and for her. There's your mission statement.
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#8

Postby DavidC » Tue Apr 30, 2019 9:07 pm

I believe I’m a good father. She knows nothing of what I go through, and I show her the best time possible when she’s with me. I bring her around friends and families, parties and set up plans for her. She has a bright, disposition and beautiful outlook on the world.

These are my internal struggles...

Definitely many helpful and insightful pieces advice in your response though. Thank you
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#9

Postby hojoos » Fri May 03, 2019 6:21 pm

I dont want use any pills(
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#10

Postby James_Lee » Fri May 03, 2019 11:15 pm

I agree. The key problem here is this mindset, where you keep comparing the situations. Everyone is unique, and comparing different situations like this really leads you nowhere
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