Need advice or new perspective

Postby Cluster » Tue Apr 23, 2019 3:59 pm

Hello everyone,
I don't really know who to turn to since I finished therapy and would really appreciate your opinion.

To break it down, I'm 23 yrs old, married and have no clue what I'm doing.
So far so normal.
I've spent my teenage years in therapy and worst case- on mental wards, 12 times by the age of 21. My last diagnosis was schizoaffective disorder.
Luckily, the last 3 years have completely changed my life. I've had no psychotic episodes and the depression didn't get out of hand either. I'd like to think that, apart from the occasional panic attack, I'm ''healed''. I used to be a medicinal testing ground so to speak - changing medication all the time, because nothing really seemed to work and a lot of the time side effects were treated better than the original symptoms. In the end, I turned my back on psychiatry and tried to manage on my own. And I did - I changed my life drastically.
The relationship I was in when I was still being medicated was basically just for stability, because I thought it mature to have a simple but stable life. I never thought I could change, so I just rolled with it. We shared an appartment, he was fine with me not being able to work due to my mental condition and so long as I could be his little housewife it worked.
Until I got off meds and realized what my life has become. After a few months I moved to my best friend. I felt like I was finally free to start my life. We had a lot of fun together and I even got a job at a restaurant. We married soon and enjoyed being young and careless. But we've had a difficult start because he didn't have a job for a long time and the stress of being a sole earner built a lot of tension and frustration. But somehow we pulled through and when he got a job offer from across the country we didn't hesitate and just went.
But somewhere along the way I lost my motivation. I was so focused on getting through the day - day by day, working in a rather toxic environment and coming home to console my husband who got rejected by yet another company while also doing the housework. All the talking in the world didn't help my frustration and even now as things are good, I'm still feeling empty. I just don't really know what to do now. I thought about starting the training to be a chef but that would mean that I'm bound to my husband for at least another 3 years and I don't know if I want that either. We married because we genuinely liked living together and cherished every moment of it. I never loved a partner but he got damn close.
Yet again, we just had each other to rely on, since we didn't have any friends.

Now that he is working again and my worries about money are mostly gone I am questioning our relationship in a different way. Maybe due to his dependency I distanced myself somewhat. I still like living and spending time with him but more as a friend than a lover. I really don't like intimacy at the moment which doesn't help the situation. All the women I know are in more or less unhealthy relationships but stay in it because they built up a life and think they would be worse off on their own. Am I making the same mistake? Again? I don't have to, I don't have any children and I am financially independent. But I still very much like my husband, he is the coolest guy I've ever met. If he would stop wanting physical contact, I'd be totally fine. But that is not healthy. But it is MY issue, not his. Is this what marriage is like? If he'd be a woman there would be no difference, this is not about gender - i'm pansexual, I don't have that excuse. I just don't want to break his heart by changing something for no reason but I don't want to regret doing nothing again.
I am a master in enduring unpleasant situations but I never know when to stop.

I've told you about my history because even if the problem is just ''marriage issues'' there are things to take into account as to why I am behaving the way I am. Any thoughts on my situation?

Sorry for the long post
- take care
Cluster
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 24, 2019 2:11 am

My opinion, for the benefit of this other human being, end the marriage.

That is not a negative dig at you. It’s just simply a pragmatic observation that ending the marriage is the right moral decision. Give this other person the chance to find an actual life partner in every sense of the concept, rather than someone that is pretty much ambivalent and in an indefinite take it or leave it mode. You being cool with it being platonic and no big deal, is about you rather than him. Like you said...and I agree 100% with you, it is your issue. So don’t make this other person the unfortunate casualty of your issues. Even if they say they are willing to be a casualty, you know it is not the right thing.

Ultimately, by focusing on what is the right decision for him rather than the right decision for you, the outcome will be better for you both.
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#2

Postby Cluster » Wed Apr 24, 2019 9:31 am

Thank you for your honest words, I suspected as much. This might sound even more selfish but I am looking for a loophole. Is there nothing else I can do? Can ambivalence be fixed? Is there a moral guide, something along the lines of: follow these steps and you'll live happily ever after? Even as I'm writing, I know how ridiculous this sounds, but he still is my best friend and I don't want him to suffer from neglect. Can I force myself to change?
Is there nothing else?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 24, 2019 10:14 am

You know the answer, but I will go ahead and type what you already know.

No. There is no loophole fix or a moral guide to happiness. That’s why the self help industry makes billions of dollars annually selling the latest formula to happiness packaged in some new wrapping. That is why Tony Robbins is worth over $100 million, selling his “secret formula”.

You are being understandably human in your short term desire to avoid pain. It is normal, but you know it is wrong. You know that he is being neglected at this very moment. You are currently neglecting and making him suffer, while wanting him not to be neglected or to suffer. It is selfish, but you recognize it. Kudos to you, that is no small achievement.

Focus on him, do what is right for him. It will be painful for you both, but both of you will benefit in the medium to long term. Don’t delay by fooling yourselves with the idea that you can change for him or that he can change for you. That is not a healthy basis for a young marriage.
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#4

Postby Candid » Wed Apr 24, 2019 2:57 pm

Cluster wrote: I still like living and spending time with him but more as a friend than a lover. I really don't like intimacy at the moment which doesn't help the situation.
and
I still very much like my husband, he is the coolest guy I've ever met. If he would stop wanting physical contact, I'd be totally fine. But that is not healthy.


I have a different take on this. I say there as as many kinds of marriage as there are couples, ie. that every marriage is different. Plenty of married people go without sex for long periods.

In your situation I would present all the above to him then ask him what his expectations are and how he'd like to proceed from here. Just be honest. You love him but you don't want to have sex with him, and it's up to him whether he wants to go on living together or if this is a dealbreaker.
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#5

Postby HelpCoachig » Mon Apr 29, 2019 1:18 pm

You are smarter than you think. You know what you have to do, don't run and leave behind what you know you should do, need guidance? great idea, start an honest conversation with him, but before, evaluate yourself, ask yourself the tough questions, get to know deeply what you think and what you want him to understand, get it clear so that no one is lost in translation.
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