Guilt over childhood mistake.

Postby annonymous9319 » Tue Apr 23, 2019 5:15 pm

I’m a 26 year old female and I suffer from sever anxiety but something from my past has worried me so much the last 2 years it’s taking over my life. I understand that children experiment sexually when they’re young and I know it’s common but when I was 10/11 I dry humped my mothers friends son who was 7 and he showed me his privates but I never touched him we were both clothed and it only happened once and for a few seconds but I feel like a monster and don’t know why I did it. I also did the same to my 3/4 year old cousin when I was around the same age and again never touched him or anything. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy and feel like an awful person or that I am an abuser. If I could go back and not do it I would. I felt regret from around 14 and have worried on and off ever since. I feel like it’s going to come to surface and I will ruin not only mine but my families lives and that I’ve destroyed the two people involved lives too. I’ve spoken to my mother who is very understanding and she tells me I’m not a bad person I just don’t believe it. I’m distraught.
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#1

Postby annonymous9319 » Tue Apr 23, 2019 8:52 pm

Anyone??
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 24, 2019 1:59 am

annonymous9319 wrote:Anyone??


Answer shopping isn’t helpful. It is a problem with the Internet Age.

There are only two possibilities in this forum. One, you will receive similar advice as your mother gave. This will do nothing, given you don’t wish to believe your mother. If you believe you are not a bad person then life becomes tough again. Maybe you need to actually step up and be productive...after all, that is what a good person would do.

Or two, someone will be a troll and willing to provide you with the answer you are shopping for. They will indulge this reverse victim narrative that helps justify your “bad person” identity you wish to adopt. This allows you to then comfortable avoid taking on anything remotely challenging in life. It gives you an out anytime things get a bit tough. You just say, “Well, I’m a bad person, that was confirmed by XYZ troll on the Internet, so I don’t deserve success.”

Go seek professional counseling. Explore the reasons you wish to be labeled “bad”. My guess is that you feel pressure and subconsciously it is the path of least resistance for you. Note, I said subconsciously, as in it is not something you recognize. But it is evident given your rejection of your mothers advice.
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#3

Postby annonymous9319 » Wed Apr 24, 2019 7:26 am

Thank you for your reply I appreciate. You are right I am looking for answers I just wanted to know if what I had done was as bad as I thought it to be and maybe a strangers input rather than my mother who may be bias would be helpful in helping me come to a conclusion about it that could help me finally move on from it or learn from it. I will definitely look into professional help as I need that for my anxiety alone. Just struggling with this a lot at the moment.
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#4

Postby anonymous34352 » Sun Jan 24, 2021 2:21 pm

Hi annonymous9319,

I hope you managed to overcome your problem eventually.

I am here for the same reason. I have done the similar thing when i was 10 or 11. Somehow I forgot it, and after 25 years it strucked me as a lightning, in the moment when lot of things are happening. Maybe, because of complete situation all together, it emerged from under the carpet.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't study, constantly wandering did I have catastrophic influence on the kid's life. The sense is so strong, that I am feeling like passing out in some moments. I don't have a courage to say something about it, because it will affect 3 families.

Very selfish reason for wanting to turn back time.

This is not a seek for the compassion, just kind reminder that you are not alone, if you still have this feeling.

And many thanks to Richard@DecisionSkills for his kind advise.
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#5

Postby tokeless » Sun Jan 24, 2021 3:19 pm

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't study, constantly wandering did I have catastrophic influence on the kid's life.

What evidence do you have that you did any harm? I would guess not, otherwise you'd be discussing it differently. What answer would resolve this conflict you have, yet have no evidence of?
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#6

Postby anonymous34352 » Sun Jan 24, 2021 11:37 pm

Well, I don't have.
But, it really hunts me because of the fact that I repeated it couple of times.
I didn't perform any sexual motions, nor touching the private parts. But I left kid in my lap, which made me errected. Firstly, it happened unintentionally. After that, I have done it with the purpose few times. Soon, I figured it out, and felt regret. Time passed by, and I have forgot it until some time ago. I guess I denied it very well.

I have done it couple of times with the intention and that is killing me.
I am was not attracted to the children, I didn't have any intention to make any true physical conntact, I "just" liked erection part.
I am trying to convince myself that I was just a stupid horny kid, however I am not able to overcome it. Going to speak with psychologist is not working for me, since I am not victim in whole situation. I mean, I am the one which deserve to be punished, not to be helped.

The most likely, girl (as far as I know, now meried woman), was not aware of this, maybe she had some thoughts in some point of her life, but was not sure. These things are hard to be proven, so maybe she didn't have courage to say something, who knows.

But even if it didn't have any affect, I should have known better.
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#7

Postby tokeless » Mon Jan 25, 2021 12:20 am

Ok, so you admit you have no evidence to support your worry that you messed up this child. You accept you had no malicious intent at that time and throughout.
You say you can't accept you did nothing wrong, so why not confess and tell those you feel you harmed, what you did and why? Tell them and clear your conscience.
Or, you could accept it was part of an innocent exploration by a child with another child, who didn't know anything happened and you know no different... I think you'll decline the first suggestion and refuse to believe the second one. Well, in that case, spend your life in turmoil and misery, but not as a punishment but because you choose to.
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jan 25, 2021 12:49 am

anonymous34352 wrote:But even if it didn't have any affect, I should have known better.


Nope. You should NOT have known better.

Experimenting and trying to figure out what the heck is going on with this new experience of an erection is normal. Most children as they hit puberty do not "know better". I mean seriously, how the hell are children that are experiencing puberty for the very first time in their lives suppose to "know better"? Can you answer me that?

No. You can't. Unless you had a parent that pulled you aside and explicitly went through the "moral rules" of erections, then there was no way for you to have known better. Did that happen? Are you the rare exception where dad said, "Son, soon your penis will be hard and it will feel good. Be very careful with your erection that will be in your pants under your clothing. No matter how good it feels, no matter how odd, no matter how curious you might be, do not touch anyone while you have an erection, even with your clothes on."
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#9

Postby anonymous34352 » Mon Jan 25, 2021 7:01 am

Thank you, tokeless.

You are honest and you set the facts so nicely.
I declined the first suggestion because we live in the smaller community, quite patriarchal, where this thing would not pass with understanding as yours. I think the consequences would be quite unpleasant and long term, as I initially wrote,for 3 families.
Maybe, part of the problem that I have is not having the courage to come clean and confess.


Thank you, Richard@DecisionSkills.

You are very supportive and for sure you are giving another perspective to all this.
I didn't get any explanations from my parents about all things related to sex. We never had those coversations. That was the time when internet was not common, we felt ashamed if we talk about it, even with friends.

It remains that I work on it, think it through,decide how I should deal with it and when time comes, try to explain to my kids what is wrong, and by that I think about saying to them what is malicious and what can harm others.
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#10

Postby tokeless » Mon Jan 25, 2021 8:32 am

It remains that I work on it, think it through,decide how I should deal with it and when time comes, try to explain to my kids what is wrong, and by that I think about saying to them what is malicious and what can harm others.


I wouldn't advise doing that. What happens in puberty is completely normal and not malicious at all. If you make it sound wrong, the reactions will still happen as it's biological, but they would feel it was wrong and it will mess them up. Work on you and let your children be children with their normal reactions.
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#11

Postby anonymous34352 » Mon Jan 25, 2021 11:52 am

That is great and very thoughtful advice.
Thank you for eye-opening comments and very constructive conversation about topic which othervise I would not had.

It really feels little bit easier now, and the fact that the stranger can be so compassionate gives me real sence of goodness in the world.

All the best!
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