Tackling the Devil's Lettuce (Again)

Postby gogertie » Thu Apr 25, 2019 2:03 am

I've posted here a few times over the course of the last several years. Here's to hoping this is the last "first days of quitting" post.

On Saturday, I will be three weeks weed-free. I just intend to use this thread as place to vent and get out what's in my head...if anyone wants to comment and leave feedback, that's the bonus I get from doing this online, instead of my endless notebooks of journaled thoughts. If not...at least I have some thoughts out of my head.

Background: In mid-June I will two years sober from alcohol. I had quit back for just over a year in 2014-2015. I also quit weed for about 9 months during that time span, the longest I've quit since I started in my early 20's. I would say I've been chronic since about the beginning. Single mother. Completely single mother. No child support, no every-other-weekend to myself while dad takes daughter. Relatively recently, it hit me that I've been depressed my whole life, probably at a rather severe level, so I have some trepidation that quitting weed will just leave me with a different kind of hell.

I've also recognized rather recently that I will likely be alone the rest of my life. I can't have relationships. I never have been able to, and I feel that there is no way I can explain myself to anyone at this point in life. I'm 41-year-old. You would never know by my public demeanor, but I have a fair amount of rage that is vented only in the presence of myself and my daughter.

My first week of quitting was tough...I had the crazy, vivid dreams (which I actually REALLY enjoy) and the sloggishness during the day for the first few days. As I get closer to week three, I'm exhausted, because now I haven't slept for about 2 weeks. I can't fall asleep, and when I do, it's very poor quality sleep.

The last week or so, I'm very emotional. I've been crying a lot, which is not really me. I have two uncles that died at age 43. They both drank themselves to death, and I've been thinking about them a lot lately. I almost feel this baffling sense of envy of them, that they were able to drink themselves out of this pain, while I had the self-awareness to quit. And as I face whatever it is in my head with a clearer mind, I know that I might be close to doing the same had I taken another step in the other direction.

I am certainly seeing some good, too. No more paranoia every time I have to go somewhere, no more ruining my day the second it starts by smoking a bowl that makes my eyes puffy and dark and glassy, my speech stammered, my head scream for more halfway through the day. I went to a rock concert by myself on Monday and I talked to people in the crowd and had a great f***ing time...I would have been the weird chick in the corner by myself if I'd been smoking.

One thing I'm really frustrated about is working out and eating. I was doing really well with lifting weights on a dedicated regular basis. And for the first time in my life I completely ditched junk food for 2 weeks solid and ate clean. Since I quit weed, I have nothing in me for fitness. I'm ruining the progress I made, and I can't seem to force myself back. I've taken a couple walks, but that's about it. Really angry at myself for that, but yet can't bring myself to care enough to do it, if that makes sense.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there for now, and write more later when I need to vent some more. Feel free to comment, suggest, etc.
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Postby Candid » Thu Apr 25, 2019 8:21 am

gogertie wrote:I've been depressed my whole life, probably at a rather severe level

I will likely be alone the rest of my life. I can't have relationships. I never have been able to

I have a fair amount of rage

Self-soothing substance addictions, depression, trouble in relationships and a constant undercurrent of rage are all symptoms of Complex PTSD. You might find a soul mate in Pete Walker, http://pete-walker.com/
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Postby gogertie » Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:23 pm

Very interesting reading, thank you. I think I've identified myself in one of his descriptions, and I was diagnosed years ago with PTSD by my first therapist.

An update at three weeks: I finally started sleeping again, only to be hit with an arthritis flare-up. The main issue that is really frustrating me is my lack of ambition. I am getting less than nothing done and I've regressed to an all-garbage diet.

I know I'm indulging myself in an attempt to "baby" my way through these first few weeks. I keep telling myself I'm not doing myself any favors, but still I insist on sabotaging what progress I've made physically in the weeks leading up to quitting.

One of my acquaintances posted on FB that she was looking for softball players for an over 40 league. I would never have thought about volunteering for that a couple months ago. The anxiety and paranoia I've developed over years of smoking has become crippling. But I told her to put my name down as a tentative yes, pending babysitting arrangement. I realized after a conversation with her that I would have never considered it if I had still been smoking.

I haven't really been "craving" weed any more than the way I crave cigarettes a year and a half after quitting. It will hit me that I really want to smoke, and it passes within a few minutes. Comes and goes in waves.

Again, the main concern and frustration is my total lack of ambition. It's so frustrating that I am wasting so much time that I almost feel like I would be better off toking. At least I get a few things accomplished that way, even if it's in a haphazard and disjointed fashion.

I think that will be my main challenge in the coming weeks. If I don't start making some progress in sobriety, I'll revert back to a way where I'll make SOME progress. But where do you start when you feel paralyzed?
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