What am I doing wrong? Will you open my eyes?

Postby Whynotthou » Fri May 03, 2019 6:09 am

I'm coming out of a few years of depression, I have a goal for my life and the drive to accomplish it.

I feel I'm finally ready to try and have a real couple-realtionship with someone else, but I keep failing from getting a head with the women I try to engage this type of realtionship with.

The situation right now as I can see it -

I'm fairly smart guy - I read, learn all the time and have fun engaging in challenging conversations and I have lots of ambition for my future.
I'm good looking - I exercise 4 times a week and my body is quite lean and muscular now.
I'm doing o.k with friendships and popularity - I have lots of friendly realtionships and I can sense people respect me for who I am and what I can do.
I have good friend-realtionships with women - I have 3 close female friends and some other female-acquaintances which I'm honestly convinced are into me but aren't my type really so I keep things polite and respectful with them.

The problem -

Whenever I try to start something serious with a woman I'm interested in, things don't go my way:

I tried direct approaches - going up to a woman and asking her out - didn't work.
I tried creating some casual realtionship first - went out several times with friends and just the two of us - then telling her I'm interested - didn't work.
I tried just telling the woman the truth about how I'm not very sure about how to handle this because of my lack of exprience - jesus that one really didn't work now that I recall it. :roll:

The causes as I see it -

I never been in a realtionship of the type I'm looking for and at my age it might be a little weird so as I try to engage in those I'm probably doing something wrong that puts them off.
I might be too passive because I'm not sure how to begin to approach.
maybe some of them feel intimated by me?

I spoke with one of my closest female friends she said I'm incredibly direct and often hide too much of what makes me "great" and that I need to give it more time.

However I do feel like I might be doing something wrong so I'm looking for fresh perspectives and enlightening "open your eyes dude" tips.

So can you help me by giving me even the tiniest bit of new perspective / insight to my situation?

Thanks a lot for reading,

Someone who can totally be your friend
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 03, 2019 6:48 am

Whynotthou wrote:I spoke with one of my closest female friends she said I'm incredibly direct and often hide too much of what makes me "great" and that I need to give it more time.

Two things to consider;

-1- Re-evaluate your desirability relative to the women you approach. It is possible you believe you are a better catch than you actually are. This is normal, yet also a normal reason for a high rejection rate. Desirability is physical, but also presentation. If you come across too direct it is often interpreted as desperate or needy. That is very unattractive.

-2- Listen to your friend. She has politely told you point -1- in a soft way. The hide what makes you great and give it more time is code for, stop telling women on the first date you have names picked out for the children. I’m exaggerating, but it is the point your friend is making. People don’t have the time to get to know you, because you’re on a mission to quickly determine if they are a marriage potential.

A third point;

-3- What reasons should a woman not date you? You listed the good things and how your life is all together, but that is not what women see. Why? What do they see? There is a disconnect between what you believe they should be seeing and what they actually are seeing. It sounds like you think they should be seeing an attractive man with his sh*t together, but what they actually see is a sort of desperation, maybe? No way to tell based on a few paragraphs of info, but that’s my first guess.
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Postby Whynotthou » Fri May 03, 2019 6:59 am

Interesting, I think you are right.

your reply is exactly what I was looking for.
I believe I sensed it several times, the disconnect between what I think I'm projecting and what people receive.

Maybe I am rushing things.. as soon as I have "target acquired" inside my head for a potential woman in my life, I switch into "get her" mode which gives off a vibe of being in a rush..

It's hard to think about.. but if I do rush things all the time by being direct and not allowing her to get to know me, how can I slow down?

Would you be able to give me a mile-stones, list or overview on the steps to take?

either way it helped, even if no one else has any other perspectives - yours gave me a lot to think about
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Postby Candid » Fri May 03, 2019 7:12 am

You're right, and there's a scattergun element in your approach. It's clear you're in a hurry to find someone.

The good news is it's always the woman who chooses. As long as you're interacting with women, sooner or later one of them will look at you, hear what you say, and want to be with you. She will soon let you know that. The most common way for a woman to let a man know she's interested is with eye contact. It's been shown that women's pupils dilate when we look at a man we want. It's not something we can hide.

You've already been given some good advice: Stop hiding those "things that make me great". Understand that it's safe to be you. There's no point attracting several women who've fallen for the caricature you're presenting. Be confident and share your opinions. Look directly into their eyes.

It's a waiting game, but it appears you're not afraid to talk to women. A lot of men are, and that'll never get them anywhere. Confidence is the chief element. It says I like who I am, I'm a good catch. And because I love myself exactly as I am, I'm prepared to wait for the right person to be my partner.
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Postby Whynotthou » Fri May 03, 2019 7:17 am

The more I think about it the more I realize how right both of you are.

I feel like I lost so many years doing nothing and wasting away that now that I'm "awake" I want it all.

I want to "regain" everything I lost to time and self-pity and bs.

Now I know my biggest mistake.
and I will I get it all, I know I will.
just not in a rush - I'll try my best to take my time.

I thank you so very much you are good people!!
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Postby tokeless » Fri May 03, 2019 11:57 am

I concur with Candid and Richard in that you probably give off needy vibes rather than a confident in yourself vibe.. In my experience many women find confidence attractive. Try and just work on you and friends for now as you've just come out of depression and now want sun, sand and romance. Confidence is the key.. Despite your view of you, you aren't projecting that. About 80% of what we do is subconscious and that's what we give off without realising it sometimes.
Best wishes
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Postby James_Lee » Fri May 17, 2019 1:15 am

I think you are giving up slightly too easy. There is always someone that will come along your way. Just keep your chin up.
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