Maybe I am that guy people avoid

Postby calvinTO » Sat May 04, 2019 4:33 pm

Do you have a friend you sort of keep at arm's length because, well, there seems to be something off about them. They're generally kind, upbeat, curious, smart, progressive, attractive, socially clued in, and so on. Yet there seems to be this ineffable quality -- you can't quite put your finger on it -- that makes you keep a comfortable distance. You socialize with him in groups, and he's very much part of the social dynamic; but when it comes to a closer intimacy, well, no.

I've come to the painful realization that I might be that friend. I know a lot of people -- and I mean a lot -- as I play many sports and am exposed to a variety of social situations which I can handle comfortably. But in terms of being, say, asked over for dinner or out to a social event involving some of these people -- no, it rarely happens. And so I wonder that, despite all that self-awareness (and years of therapy trying to become a better person), that I am just not The Guy People Want Around. Sometimes I feel that people think they can walk all over me; and though none have tried, I sometimes get the sense that I am not taken seriously when I need to be.

Or maybe that's the way it is for everyone. I have a very close friend; my two other close friends I've lost over the past couple of years, one because he got hooked on drugs and disappeared, the other because it was like a very long, bad marriage. But all that aside, I just can't shake the feeling that though people think I'm a great guy that there's something about me that rankles.

No, I'm not looking to be perfect, and yes I know how to get out and socialize. I just find myself sad about not being to make more intimate connections, despite my efforts. I'm at a loss,.

Cal
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#1

Postby James_Lee » Sun May 05, 2019 6:04 pm

You seem to really make your situation seem more dire than it is. You seem to be a very successful, socially competent person. This sort of self-loathing really is not going to get you anywhere. I mean you really are complaining about really small things, when you seem to have the big things in life. You could try out new friendships, or you try and invite people yourself over pizza or ice cream or whatever. Either way, it really seems like you have little to complain about. Correct me if I am wrong.
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#2

Postby Whynotthou » Fri May 10, 2019 5:02 pm

I'm no expert but I'm a fellow borken soul that the nice people helped a few days back.

I think I'm going (went?) through a similar thing.. I'm trying to work on it.

I realized what was one of the main issues when I watched Kurzgesagt (youtube channel) video on lonliness.

It didn't and won't solve all my problems but it allowed me to be aware of the issue, which is thinking all too arrogantly that you know what other people are thinking or feeling about you - or even worse - deciding for them how much they like you.. or let's be honest it more like how much they don't like you.

there was a point in my life that I was in a painful situation that I was ill-equipped to handle, my misinterpretation of it led me to form a harmful belief about myself and how other relate to me, maybe you did too.

watch the video with an open mind, it resonated with me I hope it does with you -

(Website didn't allow me to share link) = the chaneel is called Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell the video Loneliness - I highly recommend you look it up!

at any rate here is what I know for certain, there is nothing wrong with you. there might be something wrong with what you do - your behaviour, your mindset, what you keep telling yourself about other people - these are the things the are clear to people around and you won't believe how much impact changing those will do.. until you try of course.
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#3

Postby Candid » Fri May 10, 2019 5:59 pm

Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Xv_g3g-mA

Whynotthou, you'll be able to post links when you have a few more posts.
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#4

Postby calvinTO » Sat May 11, 2019 6:17 pm

Thanks for the video; it is really helpful. It very much describes me, and it was a bit painful to watch. I will watch it again a few times.

James also hits the nail on the head, in that my complaints are at once minor and major. I just need to get a grip and move onward.

But the difficult part is, as the video shows, lethargy. It's often easier to just sit at home rather than take a chance.

One of the teams I play on I have played for about five years. Sometimes I feel closer to these guys, but many times not. I've put myself out there. But I've come to feel that it's a one-way street; or it's just not that I am that "popular." (I find that in sports high school dynamics get re-played, and it's quite unfortunate.) So I switched teams within the same division, to a group of friends whom I know less when and have far less socially in common -- but with whom I have a much better time. A couple of evenings ago my new team ended up playing my old team. They all knew I had switched and weren't thinking of me as a "traitor" or anything..... indeed, we chatted before the game. But as the game went on, I thought I had made my choice to change teams based on my anger toward my old team, that superficially I was part of the group but in depth not more so. Which team do I enjoy more? The new team. These guys live lives I've never encountered before and the dynamic is foreign but invigorating and fun. Will I go back to the old team? Not likely.

Sigh. It really IS hard to figure this out.
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#5

Postby James_Lee » Sun May 12, 2019 9:34 pm

calvinTO wrote:Thanks for the video; it is really helpful. It very much describes me, and it was a bit painful to watch. I will watch it again a few times.

James also hits the nail on the head, in that my complaints are at once minor and major. I just need to get a grip and move onward.

But the difficult part is, as the video shows, lethargy. It's often easier to just sit at home rather than take a chance.

One of the teams I play on I have played for about five years. Sometimes I feel closer to these guys, but many times not. I've put myself out there. But I've come to feel that it's a one-way street; or it's just not that I am that "popular." (I find that in sports high school dynamics get re-played, and it's quite unfortunate.) So I switched teams within the same division, to a group of friends whom I know less when and have far less socially in common -- but with whom I have a much better time. A couple of evenings ago my new team ended up playing my old team. They all knew I had switched and weren't thinking of me as a "traitor" or anything..... indeed, we chatted before the game. But as the game went on, I thought I had made my choice to change teams based on my anger toward my old team, that superficially I was part of the group but in depth not more so. Which team do I enjoy more? The new team. These guys live lives I've never encountered before and the dynamic is foreign but invigorating and fun. Will I go back to the old team? Not likely.

Sigh. It really IS hard to figure this out.


Oh yeah. Lethargy is a huge problem. It has been haunting me for a while too (among many other things.)
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