80 days clean of weed

#120

Postby SparkleFly12 » Mon Nov 11, 2019 7:54 pm

Today is a bad day again, after a pretty rough week. Headache, brain fog, low libido, and the depression has returned with a vengeance. Really sad today for no reason. And for the first time feeling depersonalization. This sucks.

@Anna I dont have any cravings now either; in fact I did smoke a small amount once a few months ago and PAWS came back really bad a couple days later; seems like I undid a full month of recovery. That has made me completely repulsed by weed. Im now perfectly okay thinking that I may not smoke for another year, or even ever again. I just want to be out of this misery. I dont feel like I get addicted to weed; but my body sure as hell gets chemically dependent on it and thats just as bad. I dont want to use anything that will make me feel like this ever again. If my abuse of weed has made it so that I feel this shitty every time I smoke then I am perfectly okay never smoking again; its my own damn fault for abusing it thinking there were no consequences.
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#121

Postby AnnaK » Mon Nov 11, 2019 10:09 pm

@sparklefly I don’t think I can ever smoke again. I can’t stand the stuff. There are times when I remember being happy and having fun being stoned and I think I want that back but I also think it’s an illusion. I wasn’t really happy. I was hiding from life. I get depersonalization for twenty minute spells still.
This is off topic but my father and his parents were Polish non Jewish holocaust survivors and my mother was mentally ill. I had a terrible childhood and I suffer from ptsd. I used weed as a way to alter my reality and stop the nightmares since you don’t dream when you use cannabis. The dreams returned and I don’t have a crutch for ptsd and I am now dealing with menopause hot flashes and hormone mood swings. I am putting myself out here raw to explain that I understand depression well.
There may be something underlying that you never dealt with while using and that is the case for me.
I’m having trouble teasing out which is PAWS and which is menopause and which is ptsd/ocd. I can’t speak
for you but I am relearning life sober as I was always high. I thought this “safe” little plant was curing my issues but it was actually making it all worse.
I don’t think cannabis is as safe as they say and we will be seeing the result of the studies after they legalize. Hang in there everyone, the brain does heal.
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#122

Postby SparkleFly12 » Tue Nov 12, 2019 3:23 am

@Annak yeah, I am struggling to relearn sober life too. But the problem for me is that it isnt yet "normal" sober life...still have pretty bad headaches which really make me want to lay in bed. Depression is rare now but it still happens like today. I had a few days that were almost normal but overall its still not too good. Eons better than a few months ago - but still hard to want to do normal things every day.

I hope you are able to figure out what is what with all the things you have been pushing to the side with weed. It really is hard to separate what is from PAWS and what is from other things (in your case menopause and ptsd). I really hope you are able to sort things out. My cousin is a psychiatrist who deals with trauma patients and I know childhood trauma can be extremely scarring.

I know myself, I have anxiety problems. But they arent that bad that I need to take meds for them. But what made me start smoking was when I also depressed from being heartbroken. Now I know I dont have that aspect at all anymore, so I know none of my depression is from that. I am just trying to work out what stress is normal for me with my anxiety snd what is from PAWS.

All the best
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#123

Postby AnnaK » Tue Nov 12, 2019 4:41 am

Migraines every day, I just don’t know if they’re from PAWS or not. I did the heartbreak thing too and tried to smoke the pain away. It doesn’t work. I see his girlfriend in the grocery store etc.
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#124

Postby SparkleFly12 » Thu Nov 14, 2019 9:02 pm

Really tired of feeling PAWS, again. Though I was over the worst since I felt better for a goof week a month ago; but its since been a bad couple weeks, headaches, swollen lymph nodes, brain fog, and low libido/ed. This is the longest paws wave Ive had in a long time, it feels like its the length of two.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

@Annak I usually dont smoke or drink or anything when Im feeling down...but the only time I did was when I was heartbroken. I hate it now because PAWS sucks, but honestly I dont know if I regret it because i am really emotional and my anxity really makes me feel worse than anything when heartbroken. Hope you have some good days around the corner.
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#125

Postby SparkleFly12 » Fri Nov 15, 2019 3:09 pm

Just like that PAWS is back in full force...
headaches, poor sleep (6hrs), swollen lymph nodes, ED/low libido. Just out of nowhere it all came back 2 weeks ago.
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#126

Postby AnnaK » Fri Nov 15, 2019 4:12 pm

@sparkle how is your health? Are you eating well? How is your personal and work life? Is it drama free? Is your financial situation stress free?
All these things cause problems and most of us have stresses like these. It seems these things are why people smoke too much weed to begin with. I really hate that crap and people
have tried to pass me joints lately and I’m like no thanks!
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#127

Postby biohack9 » Fri Nov 15, 2019 11:46 pm

SparkleFly12 wrote:Im now perfectly okay thinking that I may not smoke for another year, or even ever again.


Wow, I can't even believe you're CONSIDERING smoking in a year!!
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#128

Postby AnnaK » Sat Nov 16, 2019 12:01 am

@biohack I was trying to be tactful, thanks for calling him out. :)
@sparklefly I hope you feel better soon!
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#129

Postby biohack9 » Sat Nov 16, 2019 12:08 am

AnnaK wrote:@biohack I was trying to be tactful, thanks for calling him out. :)
@sparklefly I hope you feel better soon!


Considering his story and PAWS symptoms (if it's really even that) I think it would be absolutely nuts to ever go back even in the most extreme moderation. It would like wanting to return to hell after you've made your way out. Insanity.
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#130

Postby SparkleFly12 » Sat Nov 16, 2019 1:44 am

Yes, my health has been very poor the past 2 weeks. I have a close family member in the hospital and going to pass away soon. Life has been very stressful.

So yeah that could be whyi feel so ahitty now.

@biohachk yes I did originally think I would smoke again sometime but have really changed my mind about it. But im curious why you say "if it even is paws"?
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#131

Postby biohack9 » Sat Nov 16, 2019 2:47 am

I'm very to hear about your current circumstances, my thoughts and prayers are will you during this trying time.

I'm glad you've taken that thought out of your mind, and I hope you bury and burn it... there's no going back!

I just feel differently about PAWS than many, especially since you're so far down the road... I think much of it is mental, and even just talking about it so much and being on this forum may not help matters. This is just my opinion, some people need to label things exactly, but if you just went on with your life without any thoughts of PAWS or even knew what it was, I think it would help more. Many people experience ups and downs with mood and sleep, and you getting 6 hours is about double what i'm getting these days nearly 2 months in. 6 hours would be absolute bliss for me. Not to downplay your issues, but I think it could be other things too. Ex. Just your present life circumstances, that will play a lot with your mood, sleep, libido etc.

I do wish you the best!
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#132

Postby AnnaK » Sat Nov 16, 2019 3:22 am

Weed totally sucks and there is no reason to smoke it again.

@ sparklefly I think you have a lot going on and I’m sure you would have headaches and lack of sleep considering the conditions you are dealing with. You were feeling better but life is handing you your donkey right now. It’s awesome that this forum is here.

@ biohack keep posting because your comments are helping me deal with me.
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#133

Postby biohack9 » Sat Nov 16, 2019 4:09 am

AnnaK wrote:Weed totally sucks and there is no reason to smoke it again.
@ biohack keep posting because your comments are helping me deal with me.


If it sucked so much, we wouldn't be in this position! lol It's the mice pushing the button for their dopamine fix without the work. Eventually they would starve to death because of prioritizing the button (hit) over food!

I'm always here if you have any questions...i've been at this bs for nearly 2 decades, but I don't have experience with a break longer than 3 months, although i've always chosen to relapse. Not this time!

It's all about going anti-dopamine... basically resensitizing the dopamine receptors in our brain. Even alcohol, caffeine, junk food, porn/sex, etc flood our brains with dopamine, and it takes a long time to rebalance that chemistry back to baseline, depending on your history and usage. Likely 6-12 months, sometimes longer.

At nearly 7 weeks, my only symptoms seem to be broken sleep after a few hours of deep slow wave sleep, REM rebound, and resulting fatigue during the day. However I do suffer from childhood trauma and PTSD and am completely unmedicated and just dealing with things via exercise, sunshine, fresh air, clean diet, meditation, deep breathing, yoga, and cold showers. Just gotta keep pushing through, but I try not to focus on things too much for the reasons i've already mentioned.
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#134

Postby AnnaK » Sat Nov 16, 2019 2:45 pm

This. You are 100% right.
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