is it time to cutoff for good?

Postby ced316 » Mon May 20, 2019 5:41 am

Same song different day.

my son is graduating.

He invited everyone on our side of the family and his moms side of the family which is perfectly fine. I decided to put together a little celebration while his mom, whom ive been divorced for 12 years, also wanted to have a get together on her own.

I have been remarried for a number of years and for some reason, my toxic mother avoids even getting to know my wife. shes mentioned she didnt want to 'hurt ' my ex feelings and still to this day argues with me to 'be nice to her' and spends her time with her frequently. this dynamic was so hurtful based on the messiness of our divorce (she cheated, lied in court and continued to slander me after the fact) i cut my mom off only to try to restore a relationship with her over the last year.

well in this last week, my mom started a group chat with me my wife sisters and people that she considers family, to demand that I accept that she loves my ex wife and at her age I can not change that or tell her anything differently. she said her relationship with my ex is in retaliation for me finding and restoring my relationship with my biological dad, whom she hates.

my wife was in the chat and it broke her emotionally. she tried hard to get to know her but my mom gave her the cold shoulder for so long and now this, she broke down in tears and said she doesnt want her around at our life events anymore.

circling back to the party, my son told my mom he was uncomfortable with my side of the family mingling with his mom and her side of the family because the divorce happened so long ago he just didnt want his day overshadowed with drama. my mom retaliated by stating he was a racist because she is biracial and this is proof he is segregating her from everyone.

yes, she's bi polar

at this point, i've told her all i can tell her and done all i can. what can or should i do in this situation? its all emotionall draining for sure
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon May 20, 2019 6:42 am

I would just limit my contact with her.

Based on what you wrote this would hold particularly true for any group activities. It sounds like she feels empowered when she has an audience.

Any contact moving forward would be one on one, limited, and 100% on my terms.
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#2

Postby ced316 » Mon May 20, 2019 6:51 am

What you wrote stuck me deeply

I just realized that when she’s one on one she’s very careful as to what she’s going to do or say

But the more people are around her the worst her behavior is.

She’s got an audience and she wants to show off for that audience then come back quietly straighten things out in private

100% limited contact is doable thank you
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#3

Postby Candid » Tue May 21, 2019 3:49 pm

ced316 wrote:she said her relationship with my ex is in retaliation for me finding and restoring my relationship with my biological dad, whom she hates.


Well, at least that's honest! And shows herself a seriously messed-up and vindictive woman.

I think you need to protect your wife and yourself from any drama, given that your mother's worse (the mind boggles) when she's playing to a bigger audience.

my son told my mom he was uncomfortable with my side of the family mingling with his mom and her side of the family because the divorce happened so long ago he just didnt want his day overshadowed with drama.


And it looks likely to be, unfortunately.

I don't know what you can do to prevent drama and be free to enjoy your son's graduation. I stayed away from my father for the last 15 years because it would have meant contact with my mother, and I knew I couldn't stomach that. These narcissists cause so much trouble all round.

Does your wife particularly want to attend? It might be easier on her to stay away, and perhaps for you yourself to limit the time you spend there. Maybe ask the graduating son how he'd like it to be?
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#4

Postby ced316 » Tue May 21, 2019 10:08 pm

Thank you for the response! you have far more discipline than I do for sure, since you've kept your distance for over a decade! I respect and admire that.

Now that I am reflecting on every out burst, it's been in front of people she considers her audience..even in a group chat. So I am considering how to address this once and for all to just remove me from the group chats, the invites dont need to come anymore and to just flat out leave me alone.
She is like a spoiled child - she wants something and if its not her way she has a vindictive tantrum which she will follow up on with a gift some time later.I cant say i hate her, but i can say I have to question what the definition of hate is at this point

as far as the party, the whole idea was to have it at my sisters place so we all can bond and strengthen our relationships together since we have gotten away from that over the years. my wife and I were excited for it and now its more a downer. I feel like this will be a manageable event if its just one and done, so long as Its the last time I see her for the foreseeable future.

ultimately, i just lost all emotion to spend any more time talking to her in anyway at all. my step dad is her enabler who cosigns everything she does; i feel like telling him to piss off also
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#5

Postby Candid » Wed May 22, 2019 2:40 pm

ced316 wrote:Thank you for the response! you have far more discipline than I do for sure, since you've kept your distance for over a decade!


I meant to write that I stayed away from my father for the last 15 years of his life. I loved my dad, and I agonised over it. I haven't been in the same place as my mother since late 1991 and have no intention of seeing her. Keeping me from my father is another in a long list of the many things I hold against her.

She's in a nursing home now, and I have three siblings she actually appears to like so no one's telling me I have to see her.

I am considering how to address this once and for all to just remove me from the group chats, the invites dont need to come anymore and to just flat out leave me alone.


You might like to read this https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog ... -your-life, particularly the bit about the death of hope. Most of us abused by a parent keep the door open for too long, accepting messages because we think there might have been a miracle, she realises what she's done, she's going to apologise, try to make amends...

I cant say i hate her, but i can say I have to question what the definition of hate is at this point


I agree that's a hard one, but you can cut contact without hating her. I don't hate my mother, but I certainly am furious with her over that 'long list'.

Has your sister taken sides, either with you or with your mother? Seems to me that bonding and strengthening relationships is impossible if you can't talk about the most obvious thing you have in common: your mother. And I know what you mean about an enabling stepfather. My dear old Dad adored my mother and could see no fault in her. Knowing that, I never spoke to him about what she was doing.

My mother was a covert abuser, ie. put the knife in only when she and I were alone. Yours is overt, which I've always believed must be easier to handle because pretty much everyone can see how awful she is.

I wouldn't be surprised if my mother told my dad he was the reason I didn't see them any more. I had a few phone conversations with him after I stopped seeing her, and one time (the last time I saw him) he showed up on my doorstep... but he died without knowing the truth, and possibly believing I didn't love him.

I feel like this will be a manageable event if its just one and done, so long as Its the last time I see her for the foreseeable future.


You have another son, don't you? And having sons whose wacky mother is now besties with your own abuser means there are likely to be more occasions when all parties are in the same space. Graduations, engagements, weddings...

ultimately, i just lost all emotion to spend any more time talking to her in anyway at all. my step dad is her enabler who cosigns everything she does; i feel like telling him to piss off also


That's probably easiest. It's a fine line you're walking, and I believe the best you can do is trust your gut as to how much or how little contact you take on, and who with.
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#6

Postby Candid » Wed May 22, 2019 3:30 pm

By the way, you can attend functions without having to come face-to-face with anyone you'd rather not see. See them coming towards you, walk away. Find yourself in a group she joins, walk away.

Just keep walking away. :)
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#7

Postby ced316 » Wed May 22, 2019 7:48 pm

Wow I miss read that, I'm sorry that you went though so much on account of your mom. I truly have hope that your father passed knowing the love you had for him
And thank you for the article ,I just finished reading it and It has alot of information that I need to apply.

I have two sisters in this situation. My mom treats one sister like gold and can do no wrong, while the second younger one is treated as if she cant do anything right and is blamed for things that has nothing to do with her. So in a situation that I am in, for years my mom would lashout and do something ridiculous , while my sisters would side with my mom. AS they grew up, my younger sister would have similar things happen to her so she at least is a bit more sympathetic about where I am coming from which is nice to have that going for me at least.

At this graduation I'll just say hello and goodbye, same as at the party I'll mingle with other people and avoid any contact. because predictably she's going to make a show out of saying she loves everyone so much and blah blah blah...but then will go back to being the same terrible person in her actions. Like the article said, we sometimes hold the door open for too long hoping for change, when it just brings more problems.
I inherited this conflict ; my dad broke her heart when they were dating. after he left I have heard my whole life terrible slander about my dad. She would throw in my face (like im responsible) that my dad got her pregnant and left her and never helped her. Then added to it, stated I am wrong for having a relationship with him now. I guess she wanted to weaponize me into somehow hurting him back by siding with her and never speaking to his side of the family again..it didnt work so nothing i do will ever amount to much but abuse.

and no matter how they justify it, i dont deserve it.
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#8

Postby Candid » Thu May 23, 2019 7:25 am

ced316 wrote:My mom treats one sister like gold and can do no wrong, while the second younger one is treated as if she cant do anything right and is blamed for things that has nothing to do with her.


Interesting. One scapegoat wasn't enough!

She would throw in my face (like im responsible) that my dad got her pregnant and left her and never helped her.


Yep, Mad Mom's propensity to blame you before you were born would be laughable if it hadn't been so hurtful for so long.

My mother blamed me for younger sister's pregnancy. :shock:

I hope you have a good relationship with your dad, for two reasons. One because a sense of belonging is important, and two because it gets under mom's skin!

and no matter how they justify it, i dont deserve it.


This is something I need to be reminded of often, so thank you. Since absolutely everything I did in my formative years was by definition wrong, I still get caught (especially on the rare occasions I see extended family) being whiter-than-white, defensive, and saying either too little or too much. I'm glad you can see things clearly.
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#9

Postby ced316 » Sat May 25, 2019 2:31 am

how could you be blamed for your sister being pregnant???

Im very sorry that you have had the experiences that you have had but I can also let you know that you are not alone and I can say that you definitely did not deserve any of it.
I think what I'm going to do is make my mind up once and for all to just wear my experiences as an evidence based armor to keep myself from going through this situation any further. Giving the benefit of the doubt has lead to more problems than I would like to admit. My peace of mind is far more important than being there to be abused
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#10

Postby Candid » Sat May 25, 2019 10:38 am

ced316 wrote:how could you be blamed for your sister being pregnant???


Yeah I know. :roll: But in a way it's good, because it's so blatant. Whenever I get really down, I can think of it and know none of it was my fault.

I think what I'm going to do is make my mind up once and for all to just wear my experiences as an evidence based armor to keep myself from going through this situation any further.


That's a great idea, putting the blame where it belongs. And yes, "giving the benefit of the doubt", for me, meant doubting my own perceptions, and naturally that leads to some really bad experiences. I tried for too long to believe in a loving mother, and was in my late 30s when she did something so horrific even I couldn't fantasise it away. Perhaps my biggest regret is that I hadn't walked away sooner.

Im very sorry that you have had the experiences that you have had but I can also let you know that you are not alone


That's how I feel about you.
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