My girlfriend needs help.

Postby r_neto » Fri May 24, 2019 1:22 pm

We have been dating for about 5 months. She's japanese and I'm brazilian but we somehow manage to communicate well enough. We're both 25 years old and we're living together.

She had a terrible familiar environment. Her parents hated each other, and particularly her mother seems to always regret her being born. Her father is a little bit more understanding but also doesn't care a lot about her. She says she was treated worse than a dog in her house. She was deprived of doing the things she liked, which apparently caused her to never do what she likes.

She is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and has depression episodes. She has been seeing a psychiatrist almost every week for about a year. I go together with her, but I feel he's as lost. She never follows the few advice he gives, and lately she's just been going there in the hopes of getting medicine. When feeling bad, she either tries to escape via alcohol abuse, medicine overdose, bulimia, or, in a few occasions, self harm.

Sometimes she has long periods (a few days to a whole week) when she keeps saying that living is painful, and that she just wants to be asleep. She usually needs medicine to fall asleep, but it doesn't always works. She's currently unemployed (working also makes her get down because she has to deal with people, which she hates), and doesn't have any active hobbies. I try to entertain her by watching series or movies together and encouraging her to go on walks, but when she's really bad she doesn't want to do anything.

I'm no psychologist, but I feel that the biggest problem is that she has too much free time and nothing to with it, so she starts remembering her bad childhood memories. I encourage her to find hobbies, but she says she doesn't know how to find what she likes or why she should do it, since she was deprived to do it in her childhood. It's difficult to force her to try new things anyway and she usually gives up on it soon.

We love each other a lot, but I don't know I can't fix her mental health by myself. But I want to do something, at least show her how to get well, or that she can do it. I feel like she doesn't believe she will ever get well, so she doesn't care about trying. I have to always give her attention, but I have started to fear for my own mental health. Showing to her I'm sad only makes her sadder so I always have to hide it. I don't want to leave her but I don't know if I can keep it like this.

I know this is only a forum and the best thing to do is for her to keep going to the professional psychiatrist, but I think we need help. Any advice would be welcome now. Thank you.
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Postby Candid » Fri May 24, 2019 3:42 pm

r_neto wrote:She is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and has depression episodes.


Whoa!

Adverse childhood experiences (ACE) typically lead to Complex PTSD. Have a look at http://pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalNeg ... exPTSD.pdf -- and then you might like to look at other topics on Pete Walker's website. Above all, look at FAQs About Complex PTSD, which starts out with What may I have been misdiagnosed with? BPD is on the list. http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

Psychiatry and meds are not the way to go with C-PTSD, and the BPD tag is an insult. Alcohol abuse, medicine overdose, insomnia, self-isolating, bulimia, intrusive thoughts, rumination, anger, self-harm and suicidality are all symptoms. She needs a counsellor who specialises in trauma therapy, in which EMDR is the preferred treatment.

The childhood memories most certainly do need to be addressed, and most clients find EMDR pleasant.

Diane Langberg has a number of youtubes on the subject. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxAuHG9hKo is a good one to start with. Don't worry about the religious stuff (it's minimal) or the fact that Langberg mostly talks about child sexual abuse. Her treatment recipe -- talk, tears and time -- is the way through.

Showing to her I'm sad only makes her sadder so I always have to hide it. I don't want to leave her but I don't know if I can keep it like this.


You can listen, and if you show sadness you'll be helping. That alone lets her know how much you care. Don't try to stop her crying or change the subject, and you'll find she feels better for having your empathy. That doesn't mean she won't keep coming back to certain events in her history, but when she starts seeing the right professional you should see improvement very soon.

I know this is only a forum and the best thing to do is for her to keep going to the professional psychiatrist, but I think we need help. Any advice would be welcome now. Thank you.


Only a forum?? I've been here nearly nine years and have learned so much from other members. And no, the psychiatrist is not the right person. In my experience they're short on listening and long on prescribing pills. Best she keeps taking them while you find a trauma-trained therapist for her, but she'll probably be able to start weaning off them further along the line.

My best wishes to you both. You sound like a lovely partner.
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