My behavior regarding sex confuses me.

Postby infumo » Sat May 25, 2019 2:35 pm

There is this ugliness about me, and I don't know how I have come to the be in this place that I stand today.

Once upon a time, I was a subscriber to the social convention of job, wife, house and family. And at a young age, I was well on my way. I took a job that allowed me to be a good provider and engaged in a relationship with a woman whom I adored.

Sadly, she mislead me of her intentions. And after hanging on to the relationship for well over 10 years, we said good night during a phone conversation and didn't speak again for years.

I have struggled to engage in and maintain a meaningful relationship since. Since that relationship, I've been unable to fall in love.

Since this happened, I have entered into other relationships, but it seems that I always find excuses not to pursue them. But most distressing is that I don't pass up an opportunity to engage in some kind of sexual activity with these women.

I don't want to be this way. And I do what I can to avoid putting myself in situations conducive to such behavior. But when an opportunity presents itself, I find myself unable to resist.

After such an experience, I am filled with self-loathing. I hate myself and am sickened by the behavior to the point where I actually want to vomit.

I spent over 10 years in therapy addressing a multitude of issues, and while I am in a much better place today, I am still faced with unresolved issues such as this.

I don't want to be this way, and I don't know what else to do. I am posting here in hopes of finding some fresh ideas and strategies so that I can stand looking at myself in the mirror.
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#1

Postby jwc0846 » Tue Jun 04, 2019 2:42 pm

What a dilemma, when something that has the potential to feel so good feels terrible it can get to be a lose-lose!

Concluding that your self is basically bad is a double whammy. It is an awful place to be AND it is easily taken as "proof" that you can't dig out of the hole you are in.

If you have 10 years of therapy under your belt, it seems likely that you have plenty of understanding and it's time to bring in some additional action on your part.

You might take a look at some of the insight meditation systems that are available.

I have gotten a lot from the approach offered by Jack Kornfield, but once you are researching the topic you will find a number of potentially valuable ways of coming at the same thing.
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