Arrested development clearing?

Postby Applebubbly1 » Sun May 26, 2019 1:56 am

Hi there.

Brief psychological history. I have had social phobia, adhd, ptsd, and depression for close to 20 years now.

I have been doing a ton of self help work and am noticing that as I start reversing some of my thoughts from my past childhood/teenage/young adult trauma (I'm 34), I am having unusual childhood flashbacks of happy times? Almost as if there were suppressed happy memories being set free. It is so bizarre.

The arrested development part is, many people say I look and act very young. I am 34 but people say I look and sound like I am 23 or sometimes younger. Sometimes my reasoning is very basic and like a little girl (I think sometimes about 5 years old but sometimes 13 (example: "people talk to me so they like me, right?" (when that isn't necessarily true)

Another example:

"Well, he was being petty to me and wanted to teach me a lesson so I'm going to do it to show him how it feels"

I have a history of child sexual abuse that started at age 4 by a sibling, I was bullied on a daily basis by the same sibling while also being sexually mistreated (propositioned constantly, men asking me to watch playboy, saying I was their girlfriend..etc). This happened so much by old men my parents knew until 13 then got involved. At age 14 with a much older man who got me pregnant (lost the child) then got into drugs and alcohol..Although I was very socially inept, my looks got me into many different social circles, and I got into the clubbing and import racing scene, getting into clubs and bars for free, dating the hottest DJ at that time, meeting more bad and shady people with more alcohol and drugs.. i still didnt develop proper social skills because of my prior abuse so I did more alcohol and drugs..2 suicide attempts by 24, committed to a psychiatric ward for my 1st attempt, then tried again 2 weeks later.. got treatment for my anorexia that I had for 13 years and got clean and sober. I have been mainly sober for 10 years but had relapsed a couple times just wish alcohol and cigs though, no hard drugs. That was a while ago. I am leaving a lot out and I have been sober for about 10 years from alcohol and drugs.

I think my personality is sometimes between the age of 13 which is around the time my behavior and promiscuity/wearing sexy clothes etc started getting out of control.

I throw tantrums at times but have gotten much better but it is very childlike.

Now that I am reversing so much damage, I can see some happy parts or my childhood, the little that I had with my parents. My mind goes to different places I've been to, a couple of rooms at my elementary school, or I'd remember an assembly I had during elementary. Weird how it is about my elementary even though my sibling used to be horrible to me outside of school during that time.

Any thoughts as to why I would have happy flashbacks now that I'm resolving my issues? This is great but just really curious cause I love studying about the human mind. I think now that I am resolving my past issues, my mind is now releasing happy memories? :)
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Postby Candid » Sun May 26, 2019 8:30 am

Applebubbly1 wrote:I think now that I am resolving my past issues, my mind is now releasing happy memories? :)

I'd stick with that, if I were you.

Sexual abuse starting so young and continuing for so many years is horrible. Your parents were not looking out for you. You've had a difficult history and missed out on some key developmental stages.

It sounds good to me that resolving (making peace with?) what happened to you has allowed the good memories to resurface. Most people with a trauma history use all their mental energy to fight the bad memories and be cheerful, as society demands. You've somehow been brave enough to face your demons and show them you're bigger than they are.

More power to you, Applebubbly1. I hope the happiness continues to well up in your life.
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