Dad

Postby livingwithasdx » Wed May 29, 2019 1:26 pm

Hi, I have an issue and I'm just seeking some advice about my relationship.

I have autism and have some anxiety and depression, and some other disabilities.

So, I'm going to try and make this as brief as possible whilst staying as anonymous as possible :P
My mum and dad split up when I was little, I wasn't 3 yet. According to my mum, I did not see him for quite a while, then I started to see him on the weekends. Let's just say I HATED it more than anything, I would kick and scream until I was sick. My dad found a new wife during this time and we got along fine but I remember her treating me extremely badly sometimes but other days fine as rain. She would lock me in cupboards which i remember clearly even though i have a very bad memory :D Scream at me, and not talk to me, make me stand up and not allowed to sit down, and she just wasn't pleasant at times, she would even not include me in certain things when my father wasn't there, not let me feed my baby sister or play with her, forget to make me breakfast when I couldn't make it myself and treat me viciously. I also remember telling my mum when I was around 6 that she hit me, and before I woke up when my Dad left for work I would pray in bed she would treat me better and that I could just go home to where I was loved. Due to this, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and as an adult am still scared of her. This would happen when I went up on summer vacations, for about two weeks. My dad was often working so it was just her with me.
It carried on for a while, and I started seeing them less as I got older. I don't see them as much now as I'm an adult, but I have other problems now.
It's with my father.
He has been off and on contacting me for the past year or so. I saw them the other month but haven't heard from them since, only very blunt texts. He does not care to message me or call me. I struggle with calling on the phone so I tend to prefer to text to ask if he is okay, but sometimes he won't reply, sometimes he will. It doesn't seem like he is interested in me, it has not seemed that way for a long time. I have a lot of worries when it comes to them, I can't pinpoint why but I'm guessing it was from the abuse, that he never helped me with when I was a child. I have an amazing mother and a longterm boyfriend, I am a full-time student and I'm trying to sort my carer out in medical nursing, whilst sorting out my own issues with my mental health along with physical. My mother is also very poorly. In a nutshell, all my PTSD, and anxiety is linked to them. Should I cut them out my life, or carrying on talking to them/seeing them and keep having all these issues which aren't improving? I can't even bear to hear a phone ringing as I get worries it's them, I don't go on my phone for days as I'm too worried, I have nightmares regarding them even. I'm really stuck on what to do, and what's best for myself at this time.
Thank you :)
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#1

Postby Candid » Wed May 29, 2019 3:53 pm

Have a look at viewtopic.php?t=108039. You'll find widely differing opinions there addressing a similar dilemma.

Obviously you can discuss your own case further on this thread, if you choose to.
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#2

Postby livingwithasdx » Wed May 29, 2019 5:34 pm

Thank you :) It's just very difficult for me at the moment. I'm only 18 and I am still figuring out my career etc as I put, I just need a way to let go of the past, and try to enjoy my life whilst I'm young.
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#3

Postby Candid » Fri May 31, 2019 10:39 pm

livingwithasdx wrote:In a nutshell, all my PTSD, and anxiety is linked to them. Should I cut them out my life, or carrying on talking to them/seeing them and keep having all these issues which aren't improving? I can't even bear to hear a phone ringing as I get worries it's them, I don't go on my phone for days as I'm too worried, I have nightmares regarding them even.


I think you've answered your own question, here. Why would you go on putting up with this?

I wish you luck.
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#4

Postby livingwithasdx » Sat Jun 01, 2019 11:54 am

I'm going to try and send a very long text message, write it up first and send it in the next upcoming days. I think I can find the strength from somewhere.
And I don't know, I guess I think I'm stronger than I am and I would feel bad for cutting them out my life. I'm extremely scared of them.
The other day I was formally diagnosed with PTSD on an extremely high scale, so I'm awaiting treatment.
Thank you :) I hope you all have a lovely weekend.
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#5

Postby Candid » Sun Jun 02, 2019 7:40 am

I question whether a "very long" text will have the result you want, or make matters worse for you. If you intend to explain at length why you're considering not seeing them again, you're going to feel bad if they respond in a way you're not expecting. I urge you to consider what the result might be. If you're intending to list the many ways in which they've hurt you, you may be in for a shock.

My experience of doing similar earned me the silent treatment. They considered it an attack. I felt worse than before I sent my letter, because I realised I'd been begging for love and understanding, maybe an explanation I could live with. Instead I was immediately ostracised, as if I'd given them more reason to hurt me. My letter was conciliatory; it would have been better to have written an angry one that I didn't send, just to get things out of my system.

I would feel bad for cutting them out my life. I'm extremely scared of them.


So you're struggling with a contradiction. You want them to change the way they treat you. I don't think they're going to do that, no matter what you write in your text.

The other day I was formally diagnosed with PTSD on an extremely high scale, so I'm awaiting treatment.


Your therapist will probably have seen this scenario before: an adult child struggling to come to terms with the knowledge that a parent was at best uncaring, at worst willfully cruel. He or she can then support you through the minefield of deciding whether to cut Dad and his new wife out of your life, or help you build up the resilience to continue seeing them on your terms.
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