How do I control my anger outbursts?

Postby BO-DACIOUS » Sat Jun 01, 2019 8:28 pm

Hi, I have been angry my whole life but it's worse lately. I have a little bit of OCD, I have PTSD, ADHD,, bi polar, and I've had multiple head injuries. Sometimes I feel happy then I'll lose at a video game and I will explode. Or I will fight with my parents (I'm currently staying with them as I am on disability and waiting for my new place to become available) and do the same thing. Sometimes things dont make me that angry and I can control myself but sometimes I have huge outbursts and say and do things I feel horrible about. My anger goes as quickly as it comes and turns into regret. I am currently on lithium and latuda for bipolar. I've gone to anger management and passed it, but it didnt do anything. They mostly made me draw my anger and things like that. I'm currently looking for another anger management course.

Does anybody have any other suggestions or strategies I can use to identify when I'm at risk for an outburst and how to deal with them?

Thanks,

Jesse
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#1

Postby BO-DACIOUS » Sat Jun 01, 2019 10:58 pm

Please, someone help me. Anger is ruining my life.
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#2

Postby Leo Volont » Sun Jun 02, 2019 11:58 am

BO-DACIOUS wrote:Hi, I have been angry my whole life but it's worse lately. I have a little bit of OCD, I have PTSD, ADHD,, bi polar, and I've had multiple head injuries. Sometimes I feel happy then I'll lose at a video game and I will explode. Or I will fight with my parents (I'm currently staying with them as I am on disability and waiting for my new place to become available) and do the same thing. Sometimes things dont make me that angry and I can control myself but sometimes I have huge outbursts and say and do things I feel horrible about. My anger goes as quickly as it comes and turns into regret. I am currently on lithium and latuda for bipolar. I've gone to anger management and passed it, but it didnt do anything. They mostly made me draw my anger and things like that. I'm currently looking for another anger management course.

Does anybody have any other suggestions or strategies I can use to identify when I'm at risk for an outburst and how to deal with them?

Thanks,

Jesse


Hi Bodacious,

Wow,Bodacious, I got to wonder how you can function long enough to write this post with SO MUCH wrong with you. Apparently you are not really extreme on those Scales because you seem to have some impulse control. But, yes, sometimes you blow up.

Anyway, I have a really good trick, but it does take some Self Awareness. But before I explain the Trick, let me tell you about Cortisol. Cortisol is a hormone that get released in the brain that turns on your adrenal system, and that is what gets you all fired up. What happens when you Blow Up is that the deep subconscious part of your Brain somehow already knows that you've been Insulted or Frustrated or Whatever, and so it starts pumping that Cortisol, maybe even before your Conscious Mind even had time to figure out that you have reason to be upset. That is why it seems like a Blow Up, because suddenly you are ANGRY and you don't remember even thinking about it first. anyway, the Trick is that the Cortisol actually takes a few seconds. The first Sign that the Cortisol is beginning to flow is that your Jaw Muscles will tighten. You will clench your teeth. As soon as that happens, you feel your teeth come together RELAX. Open your mouth and breath through your open mouth. What usually happens is that a Situation is developing and you clench your teeth and the Cortisol is flowing, but you don't really notice that. What you notice is the Blow Up that happens a few seconds later. You Have To Catch IT At The Point Where Your Jaws Tighten. Then just relax.

Now the thing about Cortisol is that it takes more than a day for it to totally wash out of your system. Until it does you will feel stressed and worried. You mind will full of repeating thoughts (it is like the Brain is trying to find a solution to a problem by obsessing on it) . Oh, and when you are wound up like this, it is EASIER to explode again, and this maintains the cycle. SO, it is important to be able to go DAYS without a cortisol rush. But some people with chronic anger, well, their bodies are always full of cortisol. The cortisol never shuts off. Do you grind your teeth when you sleep. that means that you are constantly wired. If you are like that then you need to learn how to relax. But that might be impossible because under that much Tension and Stress, well, almost anything could trigger you. Rich People can go to Resort Spas where the environment is controlled to prevent the Clients experiencing any stress: no insults, no frustrations, and everything is Fine.

So, yeah, Bodacious, you need to monitor your jaw muscles. They tighten up,well, you have to RELAX INSTANTLY. If you get good at that, this should keep you from blowing up.

BUT, there is more you can do, and it might help with your other problems, but, I wonder how much control you really have over yourself. Are you able to read for a half an hour at a time? Can you concentrate. Here is a concentration test for you. close your eyes and relax and start counting slowly and silently to one hundred. Have a little more than a second between each number. What happens if you have a lot of THOUGHTS in your mind is that those THOUGHTS will take over and you will notice you are not counting anymore. Nothing to worry about. Start over again. After a few minutes you should be able to finally reach 100. But if it seems almost impossible to keep on the count without your Mind taking over with Thoughts, then,well, you really need to practice.

But if you can eventually get to the point where you can keep on count. Then you won't be wasting your time by Reading Books about Anger Management. Now, yes, a Book is supposed to get you to Think, but you first have to be able to take in what the Book says. I often read a few seconds. Take time to think and go back to the reading. Oh, after a Blow Up, if you try to read a book, well, it is nearly impossible. The Thoughts in your Head will drown out the Book.

Anyway, Bodacious, let me know if any of this sounds good to you, and maybe we can talk somemore.
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#3

Postby BO-DACIOUS » Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:51 pm

Oh wow, i didn't know about any of that. I dont grind my teeth at night that I'm aware of and I do have some control. I used to put holes in my walls every time I got mad, now I dont hit holes in my walls but SOMETIMES I hit my bedside table or even my head (I know, this is exacerbating the problem, but I cant stop sometimes).

I notice I freak out more when nobody is home because there are no consequences. That tells me I have some control.

When I was in school 2 years ago I was able to read several hours a day but it would be very difficult. I would get very bored of reading very fast but I made myself keep going. Now i could not do that. (I didn't quit university, my funding got cut -ironically I was a psych major).

I will try counting to 100 tonight. I'm pretty sure I will be able to do it. I feel when i blow up i dont have time to think about it SOMETIMES. other times there is a few second delay before the explosion and I can tell myself "its okay, it's not a big deal. Just calm down. Life is good" and that prevents an explosion but I still have this awful feeling in my throat, chest and upper stomach and my limbs are tingling. Next time I get mad I will try the breathing through my mouth technique like you said.

I should note that I also have a pretty severe spinal cord injury. I crushed 4 vertebrae in my back and 3 in my neck. I have partial paralysis. My right leg doesnt move all that well making it impossible to run and hard to walk. My left leg has very little sensation. This makes me feel awful about life. Before my accident (MVA) I was a welder apprentice. I always think about the fact that I would probably own my own home and have a life by now if I didnt get in this accident. I struggle greatly with depression.

Thank you for your help. I will get back to you tomorrow and let you know how the counting went and I hope we can talk more.

Jesse

P.s. If I actually am grinding my teeth at night, will stopping that affect my anger? Like does it go both ways? I know if you do certain things, that can affect anger - the think-feel-do triangle is what I'm talking about I guess...just a thought. It could be conditioning, couldn't it? I have forgotten much of my psychology, so I'm not sure.
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#4

Postby BO-DACIOUS » Sun Jun 02, 2019 6:08 pm

I just noticed that I do clench my jaw. I hear a sentence on TV or I think of a sentence and I clench one side of my jaw then the other, alternating for every syllable. This is a bad habit probably caused by my OCD and it drives me nuts. I only noticed doing it with my breathing and bending my fingers and toes until now. I just noticed that I do it with my teeth. Does this count as grinding?
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#5

Postby BO-DACIOUS » Sun Jun 02, 2019 6:26 pm

One more thing. I'm not sure how important this is for anger but i have really bad chronic pain. I'm on fentanyl patches for them and I'm trying to get off them. I'm taking less and less. That puts me on edge as my body is aching badly most of the day.
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#6

Postby Leo Volont » Sun Jun 02, 2019 11:41 pm

Hi Jesse (thanks, "Bodacious" is hard to type)

GREAT! You have Inhibitions and Impulse Control. We can work with that.

Jesse, YOU DID NOT UNDERSTAND MY POINT ABOUT CORTISOL AND THE JAW MUSCLES. You do not WAIT to get Angry to relax your Jaw Muscles. By the time you are Angry IT IS ALREADY TOO LATE. The TRICK, and it is a Trick... that is why I call is a TRICK, is that you have to WATCH for the Jaw Muscles to Tighten. Just the Tightening of the Jaw Muscles, THEN relax. If you catch it at the Jaw Muscles THEN THERE WILL BE NO ANGER. That is why it is such a cool TRICK!

Oh! Good, you were a Psych Major. Okay, now you will understand why you can't Read about my Trick anywhere. It is because Psychology is split up into different specialties. The People who usually deal with Anger are the Cognitive Behaviorists. But this THING about the Cortisol is Physiological and that is in another Department. But I have been working on my Anger for years and read just about everything and so I made the CONNECTION myself. Hell, somebody should give me the Nobel Prize for Psychology or whatever.... you see! In Science Today the Friggin Right Hand does not know what the Left Hand is Doing. that will change when Artificial Intelligence comes On Line. People are really just "Higher Primates" and the Computers will be able to spot a lot of stuff us Monkeys have missed.

Yeah, that alternate Jaw Clenching thing you do is an indication that you have a Slow Leak in your Cortisol System. this is keeping you stressed out. You got to FOCUS on being relaxed, especially THERE.

Oh, I should have pointed out. I myself use the Count to 100, and Again, and Again to Fall Asleep at night. There are usually a bunch of Thoughts running in my head and I can RARELY EVER get to 100 the First Time... or the 2nd Time... or the 3rd Time.... usually after the 3rd Mis-Attempt I can finally get to 100, and then I do it again, and then somewhere in the 3rd Pass to 100 I start getting Hypnagogic Imagery which is the Threshold into sleep and so i just let go at that point.

but, yes, the Count does offer a resistance to Intrusive thoughts, stealing some of their energy away. BUT it works best if you have very little Cortisol in your system. Being Wired Up with Stress keeps those THOUGHTS Flying. So watch those Jaw Muscles. Oh! Those other signs of Tension you Mentioned. Well, YES, them too. Remember, this is JUST ME and there may be a lot more to this than what I have thus far been able to figure out. Remember what I said about the Field of Psychology.... so far it HASN'T BEEN ANYBODIES JOB TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM OF CORTISOL AND ANGER. You are Me are Pioneers!

Oh, Welding! When I was in High School, I was Prepping for College, but I was also interested in Flying Airplanes and so i saw how Wood and Metal Construction would be fun to learn about. and so I did the SHOP Courses (and had to stand up to the Crap the Kids gave me for being Smart until I shoved back. the Metal Shop Teacher even threw a brush at me to see if I was Common Sense Smart enough to duck. then he walked up to my bench later and subtly dragged a hammer off the edge of the bench to see if I would jump my feet away by reflex.... Honestly, those Shop People think that the Smart Kids are "Stupid"). So I learned how to Arc Weld, Solder and Braze. Years Later, after College (a Degree in Philosophy) I am caught in a Recession and I am doing Casual Labor in California, and the Employment Counselor in the Employment Office says "It's a shame you don't know how to Weld because I have a Job here". Well, I almost let it go because,well, I just did Shop for FUN. but I said, "Heck! I took Shop in High School. I can solder, braze and Arc Weld! Damn! Give me the Address!" I went there and the Shop Owners didn't think I looked like a guy who knew how to weld. so he asked me what I knew about Welding. I looked around and pointed to the Lincoln Arc Welding Machine and said "that is a Lincoln Arc Welding Machine. Those are the Best. do you have a Hood? the hardest part is striking up an Arc. The problem there is that a Stick will get Stuck. Sticks get Stuck for two reasons: not enough current, or the stick is really old.... so if you are going to Test me, I'd like a fresh can of sticks." So, they didn't even test me. they tossed me an apron and put me to work with a Grinder, but picked up welding jobs as they came up. So, yeah, I once had a job welding.... it was mostly Fabricating Steel Rail fencing and Bed Racks for Pick Up Trucks.

Sorry about your accident. Oh, I was crippled for awhile. I've had double hip joint replacement. My hips were REALLY FAR GONE before I lined up both Insurance and a Hospital that could do the Surgery (I live in the Tropics) So, yeah, pain and immobility SUCK, don't they. I'm sort of sorry that you are kind of stuck with it. I didn't think about it at the time because I am BASELINE Happy, but, now I realize that it had been a little bit Depressed when I was a Crip. So, that is another thing that you have to deal with. Jesse, you really got a full plate, don't you?
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#7

Postby BO-DACIOUS » Mon Jun 03, 2019 4:57 pm

A full plate? Its overflowing! I dont have quit in my DNA so its impossible for me to quit.

So I had a milestone yesterday. I did the open jaw breathing when I was about to snap and it worked even though I did it wrong! That horrible feeling inside me only lasted 5 minutes instead of the rest of the day. Thank you!

I am trying my best to quit clenching my jaw now that I know what I'm doing. I'm also laying my hands flat so I cant clench my fists, which seems to work.

I WAS one of those shop kid jocks in high school because even though I was told by doctors that i was smart i didnt believe it. (Even though football requires intelligence, despite popular belief). So I didnt realize i was smart until after my accident. I started to become interested in science and other disciplines.

That shop teacher sounds like a sociopath to me...throwing things at you. Did you know when Salvador dali was a youth he threw his friend off a bridge to see his reaction? That's what your shop teacher reminds me of.

I also have so many thoughts going through my head at night that it's impossible to sleep without watching TV. I tried the counting to 100 and I did it the first time but i was super eager to stop. I just wanted it to be over. I have the same problem with reading.

Okay, so I am going to keep trying this mouth breathing technique when I start clenching my mouth from now on and let you know how it goes. Should I do it any time I find myself clenching my jaw or just when I'm angry?

Any other tips or Information you have is welcome at any time. I will check this forum every day or every other day.

If I stop replying it's because I lost the forum...sometimes when I'm on a forum the page changes and I cant find the thread again.

It's great talking to you, you seem to get me which is rare!

It wont let me read your post as I reply so if I missed anything, let me know.


Thank you!

Jesse
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#8

Postby Leo Volont » Tue Jun 04, 2019 12:11 am

Oh! NO! Mr. Falhaber, that Metal Shop Teacher. He was of my Favorite Teachers! His Throwing Brushes and Sliding Hammers off the Bench (remember, I was able to Duck and Dodge... No Harm, No Foul) , that really WAS to test for Safety, and to see how I would react to CRAP like that (he might have anticipated that the Shop Kids might give me a hard time for being on the Academic Track, and wanted to know up front whether I had any PUSH BACK in me. But, yeah, it turns out that HE was an Intellectual too and so we talked about books and Politics. You already know how I MUST HAVE listened to his every word. When that Iron Shop in California asked me if I knew anything about welding, I just ZONED BACK to what Old Mr. Falhaber used to say.

Oh. I guess I was lucky because I found out I was smart when I was a Freshman in HS. Before that I would get Grades of A once in a while, but at home a B was considered "good" and so I didn't push it. Good Enough was Good Enough. but in Freshman English we studied Shakespeare, and, you know, Shakespearean English IS almost like a Foreign Language, or at least a Dialect from a Valley WAY over the Horizon. but, I had went from read Kid's books to reading Swift and Dickens and so got familiar with reading with a dictionary by my side. And, I found that the little dictionaries didn't really cover 18th and 19th English Literature that well, and so I saved up and bought GOOD dictionaries. So, Shakespeare wasn't that much of an issue for me. So I got an A. Well, Holy Crap! I was the ONLY kid who got an A. It woke me up. It hit into my competitive spirit. Maybe Adolescence. but I decided to start getting A in everything. Apparently I had some setbacks, but I graduated in the Top 10% (at the Bottom of the Top.... my Twin Brother was a slot below me and I got a Gold Tassel but he only got a Silver... I was like 9.9% and he was 10.1%. It was a GOOD School in a Working Class Neighborhood. Our School, a small School, accounted for about 40% of the State Scholarship money in the whole state. So, yeah, being in the Top 10% of THOSE Kids was quite some honor. But, I don't know whether it would have happened without that A in friggen Shakespeare.

GREAT! That Cortisol Trick WORKS. Yes, I've had good reports before. but you're one more, and you studied Psychology. You know, I have six cats and so i get to practice all the time. The Cats will do stuff that bothers me when I am trying to concentrate or get things done, and so I am ALWAYS relaxing my jaw muscles, and the worst the Cats get is a "You Be Good!".

Oh, are you too screwed up to drive? yeah, you can drive. Even when I was on crutches, I was still driving. It seems that ANGRY People have a Field Day when they are driving. EVERYTHING Triggers them. But, yeah, use the Jaw Method (or in your case, you have Multiple Clues -- Fists, Tightness in Chess). Oh, but I had been Angry for Years, with the Exception that I would NOT get angry when driving. That may have been for several reasons. I had been an Airplane Pilot before I was old enough to Drive, and so I probably went into Driving with a more Professional Perspective. Also, I was more likely to be Empathetic with people who Speed and Cut Off Driviers and people who just Screw Up. One time when I was in college, I pulled out of a side street turning Left, and apparently there had been this BMW in my blindspot coming from the Right. Well, that Guy WHIPPED his Beemer into a Stores Parking Lot and then Whipps back in front of me. He saved us BOTH a lot of trouble (and personal injury.... there were no air bags back then). But the light ahead had turned Red and I thought I would get out of his car and punch me in the face. he only lit up a cigarette. Cool Huh! SO, how on God's Green Earth could I ever get mad at anybody, right? Next, when I was in the Army, well, Sergeants don't drive. They let one of the MEN drive. BUT, every once in a while the Guy you let drive would be all DRAMA -- cussing ans swearing and hitting the horn. I had to establish rules. "The rest of us are trying to have a nice day. You're job is driving. So drive. But you can do that on your own, right? The rest of us don't need to be bothered, right?" But I remembered that little speech. YES, we ALL are trying to have a nice day. So even if it is OURSELVES that are driving, why raise up any bothersome drama. Let the INNER CHAUFFEUR drive, and tell HIM to keep his mouth closed. Oh, also, I was a motorcyclist, and it ain't healthy to Flip People off when it is so easy for a car to kill you.

But, yeah, that reminds me of another thing. JUST NOT SAYING ANYTHING HELPS SO MUCH. You know when you get demonstratively Angry and you can't stop thinking about it ALL DAY. Well, that does not seem to happen if only you can NOT SAY A WORD. If you can STAY OUT OF IT your mind just lets it go. Your Mind does not Really Start To Care until you somehow jump in and take sides.

Now, Turning On Those Endless Thoughts, is not always a bad thing. as a Writer it is a Good Thing when your Head Can't Stop Thinking about something. Well, then you sit down and you are hit with the "Where Do I Start" and you have to structure it all. BUT you KNOW you have plenty of material. You really need to Edit and Select because you have so much.

But, yeah, PICK YOUR FIGHTS. Don't get triggered by little stuff. Oh, did you ever see "Point of No Return" with Bridget Fonda and Harvey Keitel . You can youtube the "Point of No Return (1993) I never did mind about the little things" scene where Ann Bancroft teaches Fonda about what to do instead of reacting with hostility or anger. Instead just smile and say "I never did mind about the little things" . Fast forward to the "Point of No Return 1993: Harvey Keitel The Cleaner", where an assassination job goes terrible wrong and Harvey Keitel is called in to Clean Up. Well, Fonda's partner in the job has a kind of nervous breakdown, and so Keitel just shoots her, and then looks at Fonda with eyes that say "Are you going to be a problem too?" and she smiles and says "I never did mind about the little things". So, yes, we have to go from reacting Emotionally to reacting Intellectually (like we're on a Football Field). there is all that hitting, but the best players are THINKING or REACTING only on relationship to the Ball and the Goal.

Oh! I was reading Ronald Potter-Efron (the best author in Anger Management Literature), his book "the Angry Brain" and it turns out there are TWO Types of Aggression. It seems that Predators are Quiet and focused, even as they pounce. It is the Defensive Animals that stir up a Fuss and make all the Noise. But it is Avoidant Behavior ! Ronald Potter-Efron did not make the Connection to Sports, BUT haven't you noticed that a Team that is Psyched Up and in the Zone is, well, QUIET... even when they Pounce. But what happens when a Team CHOKES and is unravelling and their Game is going to crap? NOISE and Plenty of it. The Coaches that should know better, start to Cuss and Throw Chairs (Avoidant Behavior. But you Can't Win by just NOT Losing... WINNING is largely an Active Process. It takes Initiative and Predatory Aggression to Win, and that is QUIET and Focused.

SO, when you are Triggered, consider it being 'Challenged to a Match', and then think "What is my Game Plan here?" It may be to defuse the present situation, so that you can Pick Your Own Battle Field later. It may be that you think that "This is a better friend than an enemy" and let the guy think he scored the point and take it like a Good Loser. Oh, often to become part of a Social Group, you have to start by accepting an Inferior Rank on the Status Ladder. Okay. There was a REALLY STUPID Movie, "The Karate Kid", which was really implausible because the BAD KID was made to seem to care about the Weak and Whimpy Kid, which NEVER Happens (Most High School Bullies, when confronted with it later, at Class Reunions, go "Who Me!?" There being Bullies was a Perception on the Other Side. They were just being themselves in their Social Group, and they were just acting out their Status Rank. Nothing Personal, right? SO, the BAD Kid and His Group give that little whimpy Karate Kid a hard time. but what does the Karate Kid do? he Cries and Runs Away. Actually, what was happening is that he was Being Initiated Into the Group, but RAN AWAY. I see it in my Feral Cat Feeding Colonies. New Cats can fight into the Colony AND LOSE, and lose BAD, but as long as they don't run away, they can say "Okay, when does That Guy come and Feed Us?" And they are Part of the Group, though their Rank had been established. When I was in the Army, I learned that you should NEVER win TWO fights. Win the first fight if you really think that you don't want to be THAT low on the Totem Pole, but if you Win the next fight, the fights won't stop. SOMEBODY will make it their business to stop your Social Climbing. So Lose. The Group will like you better for it. Oh, an you keep an eye on the Group. If the guy that kicks your azz is EVERYBODY's Friend, then he is your friend too. One of my Second Fights was this little scrappy Irish Guy from the Motor Pool. He started off my kicking me in the nuts and then basically he was able to dance on my head. They dragged me to the HQ Office and I told the First Sergeant and the Captain that "it was all my fault" because I was being a Pushy Headquarterw Clerk (my MainJob was that I was attached to the DIVISION Headquarters as a Clerk... which was a Step above This Little HQ ) and so I had a good azzkicking coming my way . But, "No Harm No Foul, right?" Does this have to Paper Worked? I'd LOVE to get a Good Conduct Metal. Couldn't I do Extra Duty somewhere for a Couple Weeks to teach me my Lesson"? The Captain and the TOP both said, "Yeah, sounds like a Plan. Get out of our Office" I dragged my wounded butt back to the Motor Pool with a Six Pack of Heinekens and said "Hadley, Jezis Krist , couldn't you have broke my arm", and I handed him the beers and said "I forget, but was it these we were fighting about?" And he laughed! From then on we were best Buddies. SO, don't react Emotionally. It should always be "Now HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY THIS?"
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#9

Postby BO-DACIOUS » Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:26 pm

Okay, yeah I have a very hard time accepting I'm not the best...I hate losing more than I love winning. I am a sore loser. But before my accident I always won everything so I guess I never learned how to lose. Now I'm faced with the reality of having to accept that I'm not the best. I will try to think of the situation differently next time..I actually am getting better at it...I almost lost to my dad in the golf club 2019 for ps4 and it didnt bother me too much. Your strategy for anger is helping me accept things like this a little better. I feel like when I blow up I have lost and that normally makes me even more angry.

I found out someone close to me lied to me (or I think they did) and I was seething. But I breathed through my mouth and eventually the feeling went away.

I will keep trying these strategies and let you know next time I come close to a blow up...whether I succeed or fail. No idea when this will be.

Thank you so much for your help!

Jesse
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#10

Postby Leo Volont » Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:45 pm

BO-DACIOUS wrote:Okay, yeah I have a very hard time accepting I'm not the best...I hate losing more than I love winning. I am a sore loser. But before my accident I always won everything so I guess I never learned how to lose. Now I'm faced with the reality of having to accept that I'm not the best. I will try to think of the situation differently next time..I actually am getting better at it...I almost lost to my dad in the golf club 2019 for ps4 and it didnt bother me too much. Your strategy for anger is helping me accept things like this a little better. I feel like when I blow up I have lost and that normally makes me even more angry.

I found out someone close to me lied to me (or I think they did) and I was seething. But I breathed through my mouth and eventually the feeling went away.

I will keep trying these strategies and let you know next time I come close to a blow up...whether I succeed or fail. No idea when this will be.

Thank you so much for your help!

Jesse


Morning Jesse,

Oh, you should start reading the best Anger Management Books. As I said, I like Ronald Potter-Efron, a Psychologist that goes mostly the Cognitive Behavioral route, but there are others. Stay away from the New Age Crap. Anything that says Anger is Natural, throw away. We don't need any excuses! We don't have to act out our emotions.

Oh, often we use Angry Behavior as a form of Communication. For instance, when you are part of a group, or a team and you lose an event and so the Team's Tally goes down and so the Entire Team might lose. So do you say "Ooops. I guess I will have to practice my Back Flips more", or do you ACT OUT. All the Rage and Hate that you would expect from your Team Mates, well, you beat them too it with Self Abuse. It is really just DRAMA. Notice how much of your Anger you save for an Audience. Oh, but you get Angry alone. That's Odd. Hmmmm, You ONLY Let Yourself Down, and you Flip out on Yourself. WHY?

Oh! I thought of THIS a while back. Think about it, THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU. Now, I am EVEN popular and have Friends and stuff, but, somewhere along the line I had the realization that MOST PEOPLE ARE REALLY SELF ABSORBED and even if you are momentarily the Center of Attention for some reason, in FIVE MINUTES they will be back to thinking entirely about themselves. So, when it is getting late a party or in a Club, I'll say "Smoking outside right?" and people will nod (and I don't even smoke), so I get up and leave and drive home. One person in a dozen will know I left. WE DO NOT MATTER TO PEOPLE. NOT REALLY. SO, and this is the point, WHY THE HELL DO WE MATTER SO MUCH TO OURSELVES?

Oh, I've had Spiritual Leanings all my life and decades ago I had this VISION in which some Celestial Guru in Light and Clouds told me "To be your Own Master, you must be your Own Slave". Well, I've had Decades to think about that, AND, is it Worth the Price, being your Own Master if you HAVE TO TREAT YOURSELF LIKE CRAP TO GET THERE? Jesse, you got to be able to work with yourself. When you are Angry with yourself, Well, WOULD YOU LET ANYBODY ELSE GIVE YOU THE SAME CRAP YOU ARE GIVING YOURSELF? NO! Whatever happens, there are Plenty of Circumstances. Even when you ARE 100% Culpable, well, what good is the Drama.

Think about Medical Staff, especially Operating Room People. Air Traffic Control People are the same thing. Sometimes STUFF Happens and it IS clearly Somebody's Fault. Even YOUR fault. The Rule there is to Shake it off and STAY IN THE MOMENT. Go Smoothly from Mistake to DAMAGE CONTROL in a heartbeat. Now, yes, we do live in a Society that severely punishes Failure. People who say "we no longer whip our slaves" aren't paying close enough attention. Yes, it is hard not to emotionally react when we realize that a single moments action may result on our becoming Homeless. Oh, you studied Psychology. You know that Stress and Backgound Worrying depletes the already limited resources of Working Memory... from situation to situation,we are not fully present and performing. Our Social System that exists on that structured level of Anxiety is therefore Dysfunctional. We couldn't Perform at the Same Level as a Non-Theatening Society. It is like with Dog Shows. Trainers have learned to use ALL Positive Reinforcement and NO Punishment, because the last thing they want on Show Day if for the Dog to hesitate and cower.

But, yeah, we DO suffer Consequences. But, "crying over spilled milk" won't help. Oh, there was a good book about the 14th Century, "The Distant Mirror" by Barbara Tuchman, and one of the stories is that the Supreme French Marshal was on one side of the River, and on the other side was his Enemies (the Uprising in Ghant or something). Well, a significant detachment of the French, without waiting for Orders, had gone downstream and managed to ford the River and they surprised the Belgian Left Flank. Well, all these really important Baron and Nobles were standing there with the Marshall and watching the battle unfold. Everyone was staying Positive. EXCEPT the Marshal . he was an Emotional Basket Case. The French actually won, but the Marshal came really close to losing His Job. the thinking in the King's Palace was "HOW CAN WE LEAVE SOMEBODY LIKE THAT IN CHARGE?" Napoleon Bonaparte, or Horatio Nelson... they said that you could never tell how a Battle was going by looking at them. So, Jesse, if you want a Goal in Life, then be the Solid Point of Stability in the Room when everything seems to be falling apart. People look around to SEE who has it Together. Let them see YOU.
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#11

Postby Power_of_Spirit » Wed Jun 05, 2019 6:41 pm

You've already taken a huge step towards recovery in admitting you have this problem and need help. Your life situation sounds like it makes you frustrated. I also think you feel pretty powerless and that makes you lash out. It's also important you pat yourself on the back for seeking help. Many people never get that far.

We are human beings and have emotions, both good and bad. However, with emotions we might consider negative or bad, it's important to acknowledge them. To try and ignore or suppress them means we stuff that little emotion bottle with more than it can take and eventually, it explodes, leaving us with a nasty mess to clean up. In acknowledging the emotion rather than reacting to it, we take power back from it and give ourselves a window to observe rather than react.

Say you've just lost at a task in a video game. Maybe your escort mission failed and the person you were supposed to protect got lost or was killed. You feel anger and shame because you didn't win. It's easy to yell or hit something in this situation. After all, games are supposed to be a fun escape. Maybe try putting a note on your monitor or tv that says something like "it's just a game" or "you can try again. Just reload a save." Then next time you lose, you see that note and you can observe rather than react to what happened. You can observe why the mission failed and make changes. This isn't an overnight process but starting here will help you observe rather than react in other parts of your life. When you learn to control your reactions, situations change for the better.
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#12

Postby Leo Volont » Wed Jun 05, 2019 9:39 pm

Power_of_Spirit wrote:
......We are human beings and have emotions, both good and bad. However, with emotions we might consider negative or bad, it's important to acknowledge them. To try and ignore or suppress them means we stuff that little emotion bottle with more than it can take and eventually, it explodes, leaving us with a nasty mess to clean up. In acknowledging the emotion rather than reacting to it, we take power back from it and give ourselves a window to observe rather than react.....



Dear Power Of Spirit,

Please, we are trying to run an Anger Management Forum here, and you come in with "We must acknowledge our dark emotions and give them sway over our lives or, bottled up within us, they will rot us out and kill us"... isn't that almost a direct exact quote!? There is No Scientific Evidence for any such counterproductive idea. Cognitive Behavior Therapy has been around for more than 60 Years. Even if we DO have Negative Emotions, well, it is only our THINKING (Cognitive Appraisal) that gives these Misguided Emotions any power to start with. Have you ever heard of Cognitive Dissonance? It seems that the Human Psychology is even PREDISPOSED to turn Negatives into Positives. So what does that say about you, Power Of Spirit, Fixating and Clutching onto the Negative and giving it sway and power over our Lives, so that it WON'T (!?!?) rot us out and kill us from the inside. Maybe you need to stop being so Negative!

Real scientific studies show that the less attention we pay to negative emotions, the better. We are to Dispute the Grounds of Negative Emotions. For instance, wife leaves you. "It's more peaceful around here already. It was Age that made her obnoxious. I guess it is time to find a Younger Woman. the Judge will give her the House, but screw it, the Dump needs a new roof which she can pay for, and I can get an Apartment in the City where all the Young Chicks hang out". What about the Most Negative Emotion, a Child dying, "Baby will go to Heaven. this is a World of Suffering and Baby is better off." You see, what good do Negative Emotions do us when we are in charge of our own lives and can put a Positive Spin on anything? When you think about it, Anger is just a failure of Imagination.
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#13

Postby BO-DACIOUS » Thu Jun 06, 2019 12:17 am

Okay that's a lot to read. I'm going to read it little.by little over the next few days or more. With my head Injury and adhd it's very difficult to read a lot but i will try to get to it. I appreciate your time very much. I stopped myself from exploding again today! Very happy. I will get back to you.

Thanks man,

Jesse
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#14

Postby Leo Volont » Thu Jun 06, 2019 12:43 am

BO-DACIOUS wrote:Okay that's a lot to read. I'm going to read it little.by little over the next few days or more. With my head Injury and adhd it's very difficult to read a lot but i will try to get to it. I appreciate your time very much. I stopped myself from exploding again today! Very happy. I will get back to you.

Thanks man,

Jesse


Good Work about Stopping those Blow Ups. Practice Makes Perfect. Anyway, I better not add to the pile, and let you catch up.
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