She pushes me away and now blames me

Postby DavidB » Sun Jun 02, 2019 9:57 am

So, let me get this out of my chest in the shortest possible way so you can understand what I am struggling with. A few months ago I met this wonderful girl. We talked a lot over text and where in touch pretty much every day even though she cancelled dates in the very last minute a few times. She told me from the beginning she suffered from Depression and anxiety which at that time i didn't know much about. However, when we finally met, we clicked and I could feel that this girl was something I want for life. She was very open from the very beginning how much she liked me, how much she missed me and when I was gone, shooting a movie in Spain for a month and a half. We kept in touch and spoke over the phone every single day. Until one day, she seemed aloof. I asked her what it was but she was just distant over texts, I gave it a couple of days and then texted her saying " Im thinking about you" She responded and our contact became better again.

When i came home. We started dating again immediately. She was loving, she was caring, she had energy and she was pouring compliments and kindness over me.She told me she wanted more with me and that it frightens her.
I did the same to her, gave and responded to her feelings in a mutual way. It was beautiful. Then something happened. She entered this horrible working week. She has three jobs btw.

During that week. She barely responded when I texted. And I only sent her encouraging texts. Not hey can we meet up or whatever. I was just being supportive. She told me she was feeling tired. She stopped texting me first. She was basically not herself anymore and I could feel the change over a night.

I gave it time. Tried to show myself available. I tried to keep in touch with her as normal. We bumped into one another in the gym and she was sweet and close to me. I could see that she liked me even though she didn't behave that way when we were away from eachother.

After a couple of days, she went silent. Told me she needed to be alone. We spoke over the phone and I asked her how I can be there for her. That I care. That she should push me away and instead talk to me about what she needs. She needed time, i gave it to her. During that time, I studied, I read, I learned and I watched videos about depression, how to deal with it. I did everything to understand and through understanding get closer to her. I sent her supportive texts which she responded positively to. We started talking again.

Then something happened. She snapped at me over text and then went silent again when I tried to have a conversation with her. We were supposed to meet and she cancelled as well the following day. A few days of silence passed.


Then I decided to send her a letter through email. In this letter i explained that I want to be there for her, that i have tried to learn on my own how to cope with depression. I told her that I dont care about the mood swings, that it is okey for her to cancel dates. That it is perfectly fine if she doesn't wanna go out and be amongst people and that I am there for her whenever she needs me and that I truly want to continue our relationship no matter her depression. I told her that it is okey if she doesn't always have the strength to give. I told her I could be the giver when she doesn't have the strength. I told her how beautiful she was, strong and that she is a fighter, that I want to be there for her in whatever way I can.

To my chock, she responded in the most brutal way. She blamed me for things I didn't even know about. Saying I've hurt her. I've crushed her feelings and I hurt her trough that phonecall a couple of weeks ago. ( That phonecall was me trying to tell her that I care and that I dont wanna give up on her because she is sick and that I truly like her)
She said that I took her depression as a joke ( which I know i haven't and i have done everything in my power to be supportive)

She said that she thought better of me and that she has now realized that I dont take her seriously and that I will never understand no matter how much I try to learn.
She then ended her email by saying that she doesn't want anybody in her life in that way, she wants to be alone and do the things she loves on her own. She was cold in her writing, as if I never ment anything to her. She ended it through the mail. She said we could just be friends.

I sent a response saying I was in genuin chock and hurt and felt mistreated. Knowing I've done everything to be there for her. Still I apologized If i had in any way hurt her feelings. But I questioned why she hasn't told me anything about it, why she hasn't told me how she felt, because we had been speaking after the phone call. She didn't respond.

I wonder why she choose to blame me and end everything after my letter. She had the chance to do it these last two weeks. But when I showed my compassion, my caring and my will to go through it all for her. She leaves me with guilt and no answers.

Sorry for writing this huge text. I know I shouldn't take it personally. But I´m so confused right now. I know I have to respect her will. But it feels like she is someone else and that she has perceived reality in a twisted way the last month after her horrible stressful week. Its like she is a complete different person right now.
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#1

Postby quietvoice » Sun Jun 02, 2019 11:50 am

A roller coast relationship from the get go . . .

It's all a tease for you. When someone we like pulls away, we want them even more. When they are back in our life, we feel more excited and alive and the feeling of the aliveness is stored within us for our memories to call upon when they pull away again.

It's a recipe for a life of heartache.
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jun 02, 2019 12:07 pm

DavidB wrote:She blamed me for things I didn't even know about. Saying I've hurt her. I've crushed her feelings and I hurt her trough that phonecall a couple of weeks ago. ( That phonecall was me trying to tell her that I care and that I dont wanna give up on her because she is sick and that I truly like her)


You treated her like she is sick.

Let’s say a person admits right away that they have a disability, that they are missing a leg. You like them and want to demonstrate that regardless of her not having a leg that you will be there. You study up on what it is like to be an amputee. You are really into this person. You think you are doing the right thing. Then, without your knowledge you “crush her feelings,” because you find out that you have been treating her LIKE SHE IS AN AMPUTEE.

Of course it is not that simple. Based on what you wrote it sounds like you were in a lose/lose situation from the beginning. Treat her as any other person, i.e. don’t treat her like a person with depression and you lose, but treat her like she has depression and you also lose.

I’m not saying I’m spot on here. I’m saying if you read what you wrote you were trying to be a bit of a “white knight” as to help her with her sickness. It sounds like she took this as you treating her as a patient or someone in need of special care rather than a girlfriend.

I feel for you, because it sounds like you felt like you were trying to do the right thing.
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#3

Postby DavidB » Sun Jun 02, 2019 1:11 pm

Thank you Richard for your response.

The thing is, you might be right. But I really didn't treat her like that in the beginning of her sudden change and cold behavior. I was pretty calm. Knew she was under stress. It was when her friend told me she was feeling very bad, and all the signs became obvious that I stretched out my hand to show my support. And I was also very clear about not wanting to fix her, because I cant, but that I can be supportive when she needs me. But it backfired obviously. So perhaps I was always in a loose/ loose situation. It feels like no matter what I did. It would have ended the same way. But I just wasn't expecting all this blame and guilt poured over me.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jun 02, 2019 1:47 pm

DavidB wrote: But I just wasn't expecting all this blame and guilt poured over me.


Why unexpected? I mean, you studied depression so I would not think it necessarily a surprise. Maybe the strength of the blame was unexpected? Maybe you didn’t think she would go so far as to want to end the relationship? Maybe that threw you off guard?

I guess I’m trying to help by figuring out where you may have misjudged. Depressed people regularly attack, manipulate, guilt, and otherwise blame others. That is to be expected. Given it is expected, given it is the go to tactic of those with depression, you not expecting it must come from some misunderstanding?

Maybe, again it is just a guess, maybe you felt like you were being extremely positive, extremely supportive, so in your mind it was unjustified. In other words, you know a depressed person sometimes blames and lashes out, but given your perceived level of being supportive her reaction of “pouring” the guilt was unexpected?

My advice is to reflect on what or why exactly a depressed person blaming you is something you would not expect. What was it, given your interactions with this depressed person, that violated your expectations?

As I type, I can’t help but add the possibility that maybe you had developed a level of trust or comfort with her. It wasn’t that you didn’t know depressed people use blame/guilt, but that you believed the relationship was stronger than it was, so this adjusted your expectations with her specifically. In this sense, it was a level of vulnerability or trust with her, expecting that her treatment of you would be different than how she treated other people.
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#5

Postby DavidB » Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:49 pm

Yeah I guess i missed that part. Have directed my focus mainly on the studies about how they feel. Why they push away and how I can be supportive to someone going through it. I obviously made a misstake there. I didn't know blaming and manipulation was a part of it until now. Please be a bit understanding that I have only recently started to learn about this condition and have a lot to learn. Also this was my first experience dating a depressed person. However, my intentions were honest and I genuinely care for her. Now I cannot do anything more than respect her wishes and hope she recovers and gets better. I truly wish her happiness in her life. With or without me.
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#6

Postby Candid » Sun Jun 02, 2019 10:44 pm

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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jun 03, 2019 3:20 am

DavidB wrote: Please be a bit understanding ...


I’m not here to beat you up. I feel for you. My responses are intended to offer up things you may not have considered, different perspectives that might be helpful. I get that being told mistakes were made can be less than comforting, but it isn’t about making you feel bad. It’s about being open to what you can learn from the experience, what can you do different in the future.

What you are going through sucks. It hurts. But, it does sound like you are doing the right thing and are learning to move forward.
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#8

Postby DavidB » Mon Jun 03, 2019 10:36 am

"It’s about being open to what you can learn from the experience, what can you do different in the future."

Thank you Richard. I know you weren't trying to beat me up. If she gets back in touch, I will definitely give it another chance if that is what she wants. It felt as if I was speaking to another person through the mail. A very angry person.

I just hope that she can see that I've tried to understand, instead of playing me off as an ignorant person and that I never cared. I dont see where she got that from. I tried to have an open communication with her, I tried to be an open book. What would you recommend me to do different in case of her coming back? How should I treat her?

Thank you!
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#9

Postby DavidB » Mon Jun 03, 2019 12:48 pm

Oh and one other thing. Just an hour ago, my friend told me that he had seen her two weeks ago partying with friends. He didn't know we were in the situation we were in. Now, I know that I'm not supposed to take anything personally.

But the thing is, that very day, we were supposed to meet up and talk, me and her.
She changed the plans in the last minute, saying something had come up, she was a bit rude and acted like she didn't care through her text, and then told me her mother had come home from wherever she was and that she was going to see her. Now I now she was lying to me, and instead of meeting up with me, she went partying with friends.

Is it a normal behavior to lie in this manner when it comes to depressed people? Because right now, I'm taking it very personally and it hurts.
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#10

Postby Candid » Mon Jun 03, 2019 3:56 pm

DavidB wrote:my friend told me that he had seen her two weeks ago partying with friends.
that very day, we were supposed to meet up and talk, me and her.
She changed the plans in the last minute, saying something had come up
she was a bit rude and acted like she didn't care Now I now she was lying to me, and instead of meeting up with me, she went partying with friends.


Seems to me you need to ask yourself what makes you want to "be there for" this person.

Is it a normal behavior to lie in this manner when it comes to depressed people?


Pretty much everyone will tell a white lie to excuse themselves from the odd undesirable social engagement. However, as someone who suffers intermittently from depression, I can tell you that wild horses couldn't drag me out partying with friends when I feel rotten!

Because right now, I'm taking it very personally and it hurts.


Quite seriously, David, wanting to "be there for" someone who treats you so casually says more about you than it does about her. A person with healthy self-esteem would be out of there as of now.
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#11

Postby DavidB » Mon Jun 03, 2019 5:14 pm

Yeah as I said, I just found out about it just a couple of hours ago.
The " relationship" is over for a couple of days now so there isn't any point of analyzing this lie. But its actually good to hear you say that. That while depressed nothing could drag you out. Gave me a lot of perspective. Perhaps I have given to many excuses to her " Depression". Thank you.
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#12

Postby DavidB » Mon Jun 03, 2019 6:46 pm

I want to thank you for your replies. Its been very helpful in this stressful situation. It feels like I have made a fool out of myself. I just really believed her expressed feeling for me, And that we had something that was worth fighting for. I have been raised to be understanding but I think this might go a bit over my capacity right now. Again, thank you for you time and your replies.
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#13

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jun 04, 2019 2:31 am

@David,

You seem to be either avoiding or superficially addressing Candid’s points. Having been raised to be understanding is not sufficient. Most people can claim to have been raised or at some point in their life learned to be understanding, empathetic, etc.

Your responses are focused more on what you think you learned about her rather than what you have learned about yourself. Your responses are not about what you believe you will do differently in the future to avoid a similar situation.

Candid wrote:Seems to me you need to ask yourself what makes you want to "be there for" this person.

Quite seriously, David, wanting to "be there for" someone who treats you so casually says more about you than it does about her. A person with healthy self-esteem would be out of there as of now.
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#14

Postby DavidB » Tue Jun 04, 2019 9:12 am

To avoid a similar situation?

Are you talking about new experiences in the future with other women or are you addressing to being in a similar situation with this very same girl?
For instance, I would never accept this behavior in a normal situation, I would basically just walk away and be done with it if a healthy person acted like this.

But as I said, this was a first time experience dating a person with depression and anxiety. It is hard to deal with something new, no matter what it is. And I was trying to figure out how to deal with it and why she behaved like that. I can say for now, what I have learned, is that depression is not an excuse to treat people poorly or as Candid described, casually. And if I ever get the chance, I will tell her so. That I won't accept that.

As to Candids response regarding my self-esteem. I was trying to be patient, patient because she didn't treat me casually at all for the first three months. She was a very very kind person, affectionate, caring and giving. I really dont understand what my self-esteem has to do with it?

I think the real problem lies in misunderstanding the depression and by doing so, believing her behavior to be acceptable, and not holding her responsible for her actions.
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