She pushes me away and now blames me

#15

Postby Candid » Tue Jun 04, 2019 4:41 pm

DavidB wrote:To avoid a similar situation?

Are you talking about new experiences in the future with other women or are you addressing to being in a similar situation with this very same girl?


Either. Or both.

I would never accept this behavior in a normal situation, I would basically just walk away and be done with it if a healthy person acted like this.


What was abnormal in this situation? It's extremely common, people with poor self-esteem being "in love" with people who treat them casually. viewtopic.php?t=1352

It is hard to deal with something new, no matter what it is.


What made you think you had to deal with this? Did you, perhaps, have some kind of White Knight Syndrome? I say that, because people usually walk away as soon as it becomes clear that a relatively new partner isn't that into you. It's a whole different ballgame if you've been married 50 years and your spouse develops a mental illness.

And if I ever get the chance, I will tell her so. That I won't accept that.


But you did accept it, kept telling her you were "there for her", and because of your responses here one or two of us are concerned that this is more about you than about her, which would make it very likely you'll hook up with another non-starter.

I really dont understand what my self-esteem has to do with it?


People with healthy self-esteem rarely choose partners with diagnosable mental illness, which depression is, or those who think depression excuses poor behaviour towards... people like you.

I think the real problem lies in misunderstanding the depression and by doing so, believing her behavior to be acceptable, and not holding her responsible for her actions.


Next time you meet a girl who you think is "something I want for life" (your first post), you need to raise the bar -- quite a lot -- re. what constitutes acceptable behaviour. I also hope you'll immediately reject anyone who can't be held responsible for her actions.
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#16

Postby DavidB » Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:45 pm

Okey. I understand and I appreciate your concerns. Life is about lessons. This is another one to keep in mind and throw in the backpack.

But just to clarify. You are basically saying that having a relationship with a depressed person is a No Go and that you basically need to cut a person off as soon as a diagnos is mentioned?
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#17

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jun 05, 2019 2:43 am

DavidB wrote:But just to clarify. You are basically saying that having a relationship with a depressed person is a No Go and that you basically need to cut a person off as soon as a diagnos is mentioned?


Have you ever used online dating sites/apps? I have. You have preferences, right? We all do. You have a list of “No Go’s” that revolve around certain things, some more superficial than others.

Write down your list. Write down the top 5 things that are a No Go for you. For men, a woman with kids is often times a No Go. For many people, if a person smokes it is a No Go. If you are honest with yourself, you have certain preferences related to age/weight. We all do.

Where does “mental health disorder/depression” fall on your list?

You won’t date an obese person, obesity is a No Go for you, but depression isn’t a No Go? You won’t date a single mother, but being mentally unhealthy is okay? You won’t date a woman more than 15 years older than you, but it’s fine if she is on Zoloft? You won’t date a woman with X or Y or Z, but mentally unhealthy, “Sign me up for that!”

YES, if you are being honest with yourself you No Go someone that is mentally unhealthy! If you are honest with yourself, then like most anyone else, you No Go potential relationships for much less superficial reasons than “mental disorder”.

Question...you want a family, children one day?
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#18

Postby DavidB » Wed Jun 05, 2019 6:21 am

Question...you want a family, children one day?[/quote]

I really didn't understand it was this complexed. And now as I speak to you it makes me really really sad knowing this. Of course I would like a family and children, it is one of my dreams. It has always been a lifelong goal. I thought depression could get better, that people can get healthy. It makes me sad knowing they are being robbed of their life.

I came in to this relationship not really knowing what I was taking on. I didn't know how serious this condition was. When she told me about her depression I really didn't know it was this complicated and that it caused changes in the behavior. I seriously didn't expect this. I was too uninformed.
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#19

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jun 05, 2019 7:09 am

DavidB wrote: I thought depression could get better, that people can get healthy. It makes me sad knowing they are being robbed of their life.

When she told me about her depression I really didn't know it was this complicated


That’s fair. You didn’t know or understand much about depression.

Depression can get better. Just like an obese person can be “robbed” of years of physical healthy living if they don’t lose weight, if they don’t get better, if they don’t seek to get physically healthy, the same goes for mental health. A person with depression can get mentally healthy in time, but like obesity it isn’t easy and it doesn’t happen in a week or two. People can be “robbed” of years of being mentally healthy if they don’t do what it takes.

I don’t like the term “robbed” as this denotes a person is a victim, that they don’t play an active role in being mentally healthy.

Obesity = physical health = easy to observe.
Depression = mental health = not easy to observe

It is not a purely equal comparison, but I encourage you to think about mental health similar to physical health.

Granted, I am oversimplifying a complex subject, but you seem to think a mentally unhealthy person is some victim in need of rescue. Fair enough, if you want to help the mentally unhealthy you become a therapist, you don’t start a family with them.

***
I can hardly wait for the haters, lol. Someone will trip over this response one day and cry that depression is nothing like obesity.
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#20

Postby Candid » Wed Jun 05, 2019 7:41 am

DavidB wrote:But just to clarify. You are basically saying that having a relationship with a depressed person is a No Go and that you basically need to cut a person off as soon as a diagnos is mentioned?


Richard says yes, I say not necessarily. But the second line of your first post says "she cancelled dates in the very last minute a few times".

So I say that very soon after you two got together, she thought it was okay to drop you the minute she got a better offer.

Your ensuing posts were full of 'doormat' thoughts and actions.

I gave it a couple of days and then texted her saying " Im thinking about you"
She barely responded when I texted. And I only sent her encouraging texts.
I gave it time. Tried to show myself available. I tried to keep in touch with her as normal.
I asked her how I can be there for her. That I care. That she shouldn't push me away and instead talk to me about what she needs. She needed time, i gave it to her.
She snapped at me over text and then went silent again
i explained that I want to be there for her
I told her that I dont care about the mood swings, that it is okey for her to cancel dates. That it is perfectly fine if she doesn't wanna go out and be amongst people and that I am there for her whenever she needs me and that I truly want to continue our relationship no matter her depression. I told her that it is okey if she doesn't always have the strength to give. I told her I could be the giver...
I told her how beautiful she was, strong and that she is a fighter, that I want to be there for her in whatever way I can.
she responded in the most brutal way. She blamed me for things I didn't even know about. Saying I've hurt her.
I sent a response saying I was in genuin chock and hurt and felt mistreated. Knowing I've done everything to be there for her. Still I apologized If i had in any way hurt her feelings.


All that's from your first post. Need I go on?

Here's a tip: women want strong men, not men who are practically begging to be kicked in the teeth.

Had you not done all the above, had you said the first time she cancelled at the last minute: "Okay. Give me a call if you feel like getting a coffee some time" and then gone completely silent and got on with other things, she may or may not have lifted her game.

There's a wise saying: We teach people how to treat us.

You taught her that no matter how casually she treated you, you would still "be there for her" with apologies and grovelling.

Date single mothers, smokers, and people with diagnosable mental illnesses if you want to, but the first time one of them treats you casually, go silent. Walk away. Start looking for someone else. You'll do a whole lot better in the dating game.
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#21

Postby DavidB » Wed Jun 05, 2019 12:28 pm

Candid Thank you!

When she did cancel dates, just to be clear on what happened.
It was according to her, because of her anxiety, and that she felt really bad. Usually referring to a black clay on her chest and that she just needed to be alone, she also suggested other days instad and we spent those very nights talking through texts instead.
The situation was complexed.
I didn't really care about the cancelled dates in the beginning. And after the first date we went on, she became at ease and the cancelling stopped.

But you are totally right. I agree with you and I realize now that I should have left earlier. As I said earlier, my misstake was not knowing about the condition and therefore accepting behavior that should not be accepted. You have been very helpful in this mess, both you and Richard.

Thank you.
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