Niece abuse claims against parents at school

#30

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jul 14, 2019 12:56 pm

Candid wrote:At this point you have two choices. One is to assume she's lying, put it out of your minds and do nothing at all. The other is to call the children's helpline in your country, tell them what you've told us, and take their advice.


There is a 3rd option...one the OP doesn’t want to pursue, because it will start a “family feud”.

-3- Go knock on the damn door.

It is never too late. Abuse isn’t a single event.

And this is what the thread boils down to, the OP and aunty gossiping about “bad parenting”.

They have not actually talked to the victim, because avoiding confrontation is more important to them.

The OP could easily dominant this situation. The OP could easily gain access to the niece. The OP could easily play a leadership role, using the accusation as leverage to change the dynamic of his relationship with these parents.

But, this leadership requires confrontation, tough conversations, commitment, sacrifice...all things the OP doesn’t want to pursue.

The OP doesn’t want to suffer the consequences of leadership.

It is easier to just gossip while using various justifications to maintain distance. It is easier to take the parents word for it, avoid any leadership role, and spin up an explanation that sounds plausible, eg attention seeking, metoo, etc. The “we” gossip and comfort each other while distancing themselves. Then one day, when it turns out abuse was taking place, “we” says, “We knew it! But there was nothing “we” could do.”
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#31

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jul 14, 2019 1:05 pm

Porridge wrote:I really can’t seem to get thru to anyone here how ridiculously difficult it is to speak to our niece and I get the message “you should have” or “must try harder” to do so.


This is your opportunity to change the dynamic, to be a leader, to take charge by using the event as leverage.

You don’t, because of the consequences you don’t wish to suffer.

Yes...when you go knock on the door and make demands you are going to be hated. Yes, it will stir up trouble.

If you don’t want your niece to be sheltered, you become the “bad guy” and suffer the consequences.

You want a way to stay the good guy, to minimize and avoid a feud while at the same time shifting the treatment of her parents. That results in exactly where you are, ineffectual gossip.
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#32

Postby Candid » Sun Jul 14, 2019 2:28 pm

Porridge wrote:I really can’t seem to get thru to anyone here how ridiculously difficult it is to speak to our niece ...


You've got it through to me now. It was the fact that the messages were sent from your wife's phone that made me think a) that niece and wife had been together recently; and b) that niece has become more closeted since your wife told her sister about the allegations she'd made.

The last resort to at least get it out in the open was to tell her mum so that at the very least, should there actually be any truth here, she knows that we know and it’s no longer a closed secret.....does that make sense?


It does, but not as long as you believe your niece is lying and that therefore no further action is in order.

Like I’ve said a number of times, I don’t think there is actually any truth in it and I do firmly believe that it’s the way she’s being parented and controlled that’s led her to seek popularity and acceptance using these methods.


It makes no odds to me that you "don’t think there is actually any truth in it". Josef Fritzl https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fritzl_case managed to hide from his wife, with whom he was cozily living, that he had their daughter Elisabeth in a cellar under their home for 24 years, during which time she gave birth to seven children sired by him.

How would you and your wife expect to know what goes on in a home around the corner from you, and from which you are now denied entry?

I’m not claiming any parenting superiority, just making an opinion based on what I, others and even Tokeless on here find odd.


Yes, I've got that, too. Please note that I haven't accused you of "parenting superiority". What I take issue with is you finding your niece's claims so improbable that after presenting the issue here, you took off on holiday for about 10 days.

I/we will eventually speak to our niece about it but rightly or wrongly, doing that in her parents presence will be ineffectual.


Yep -- and that's IF they let you get a foot in the door.

I/we don’t have sufficient belief (all things considered)...


What things? Really, what makes you find it so incredible, given her parents' clear desire for control, isolation and secrecy?

Some parents do hideous things to their children. I don't know why, and I don't care. What I do care about is a 14-year-old girl who has made at least one cry for help... and that doing so has made things worse for her. Whether she's being physically abused or is 'only' so alone in the world that she tells whoppers to make herself popular, she needs help.

So I'll repeat that I believe you ought to report it to someone, and let them make the call. If you want to tell me where in the world you are, I'll find the number for you.
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#33

Postby Candid » Sun Jul 14, 2019 2:39 pm

You write mum instead of mom, so I'll refer you to this:

What to report
Child abuse includes physical, sexual and emotional abuse, and neglect. You can read more about the signs of child abuse.

You don’t need to be sure that a child or young person has been abused - it’s OK to report a suspicion.

What happens when you report it
The person who answers your call will decide what to do. For example, they might:

    gather more information
    ask a social worker to look into it
    contact the police, if they think the child is at immediate risk or a crime has been committed
    The children’s social care team will tell you what happens next, but they won’t be able to give you any confidential information.

Get advice
Contact the NSPCC if you want to discuss your concerns and get advice.

https://www.gov.uk/report-child-abuse
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