What's wrong with me?

Postby Gizmo83 » Sat Jun 15, 2019 8:35 pm

I have issues that have held my personal growth back for a long time. I am aware that the answers I am looking for are probably not what I really want to hear. The truth does hurt, but I think I'm ready to hear it.
I'll start off by telling you I'm a middle aged adult Male that could be precieved as normal. I feel like I have missed out on life. Everything that a "normal" person has experienced I haven't. I haven't been able to call anyone my girlfriend since middle school. I finally lost my virginity at the age of 26. I have only had sex a total of 6 times in my life. I have never owned my own place. I've never had a car in my name. I have worked for my families business since I've dropped out of high school. I have no money saved, and I live with my brother/employer and his family along with my mother. My mother and i sold our business elsewhere and moved in with my brother when my fathers dementia got really bad. I have issues mentally and physically that I must address soon. Mentally I have been depressed for a long time. I tend to over think about everything, which leads to me being somewhat quiet and shy. Physically I let myself go when i was younger. No excersize except work. My teeth have never been good and after a drug habit that lasted for a few years they are almost gone. I am vertically challenged, thanks to my family genetics, I'm only 5'4. Which is about average for women which I am not. The most recent experience in trying to date has me in a depression like never before. I reconnected with an old girlfriend from middle school. We started talking and hit it off so to speak. Well, just talking to her made me feel great. She lived 2000 miles away and we were talking once a week until she got a boyfriend. We only talked once every few months after that. Since then, she had been through a couple of boyfriends. Just before moving back to the state I'm in where she and i grew up. She got into some trouble with the law and drugs. We also started talking everyday for more than a year prior to her move. Just after moving she had to do some jail time because of her troubles in the previous state. 3 long years in prison and she is set to get out. She gets released into her parents custody and remains on intense probation for a few months. Now we have been talking everyday for 4 + years. I thought we had something together, but I was way wrong. She actually started seeing someone she met when she first got released. The halfway house is coed. Fast forward a couple of months later and 4 days after her birthday and 7 days before she gets off of her intense probation, I find out about this other guy shes been talking to for months. All the while telling me that shes not ready for a relationship and she needs to focus on her at this time. Then the slap in the face is she tells me that she can't talk to me anymore and doesn't want to see me because she doesn't want to ruin anything with this new guy. So, I back off after letting her know just what I'm thinkng about what shes doing. I feel empty, and alone, and confused at the moment. I should have walked Way from her a while ago but I didn't and she took advantage of my I securities. She definitely made me feel like there was something between us. We had discussed our relationship goals when she got out not too long before she was released. Why am I so unable to create a relationship with any woman. If I'm around a girl I get really self conscious and I act like a kid. My lack of experience with intimacy and sex is a big part of my lack of confidence. Along with the fact that I still live at home with my family and depend on someone else for money is killing me. Now that this girl is gone, I really need to address somethings that should have been taken care of long ago. Where can I start doing better for me? I'm really overwhelmed with my emotions and with everything that I should have done a long time ago. Like getting my own place and being independant. I feel I have missed out on life.
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Postby Septimus » Tue Jun 25, 2019 5:54 pm

By the sounds of it I think you're high in the trait neuroticism, it's something that is usually genetically inherited, so try and go easy on yourself, it's not your fault.

I'm also high in neuroticism, it includes getting stressed out easier, problems with anxiety and over thinking negativity, or over thinking in general, self consciousness, it also includes depression however that's one I don't struggle with. Basically it can be life restricting. However there are always things that can be done to improve your situation.

Start improving things now for the future, getting yourself in shape would be a good start. Invest time now to make the future better.
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